Mom went missing

bzynursing

So today my mom called a car dealership and they picked her up at assisted living and allowed her write a nonsufficient fund check for a car and gave her the keys. She drove off and four counties of people were looking for her before we found her. I’m just sick. She has been told she can’t drive but she doesn’t want to hear it. She has been kicked out of assisted living now and I’m sitting in a recliner watching her sleep until morning when we decide what to do. Law and doctors won’t take her license but they don’t recommend she drive. Dad died six months ago and this became my life. I had no idea it was so bad. Dad was good about hiding it. Mom still is!!! I’m overwhelmed and exhausted. How do people do this???

M1

Oh my dear, i can only imagine. Where was she??? How did you even know? Did the AL call you???

I wonder if you have any recourse with the dealer. I also wonder, if you don't have power of attorney for her, strike while the iron is hot and get it now-she might be contrite for a brief period.

Welcome to the forum, you have come to a good place for support and advice. I'm a bit speechless that a dealership would do such a thing. But at the same time not surprised, and just so sorry at what you are facing. My partner ended up in memory care when she threatened to come after me with a knife when I didn't let her drive. It's a hotbutton issue, for sure.

Mohicque

When my brothers and I went through this phase with my Mom, we disconnected the car battery or you could remove the fuse that connects the starter. My brother moved in with her to look after her and make sure she didn't wander off looking for her husband who died 40 years ago. We still kept the car disconnected.

She'd get in the car and it won't start. We just told her it was broken and we were working on getting it repaired. We called it "a lie of love." We had to tell her a number of "lies of love" through this this journey.

I don't know what basic needs skills your Mom can still do for herself but, it might be time for a medical evaluation of her cognitive abilities. She might be needing to reside in a Memory care unit. Also, consider getting POA and maybe a trust for her estate (estate lawyer needed).

We were fortunate. My brothers and I worked together to take care of Mom. We didn't argue, we worked together to take of Mom.

I'm so sorry you are faced with this and my heart goes out to you.

Quilting brings calm

There is a 72 hour void possibility for car sales. There’s also a void possibility for incapacity. I don’t know what you do about the non sufficient funds issue legally. If you have POA, it’s time to exercise it and sweep funds in the account as soon as they come in- or open an account ‘ for the benefit of’ that she has no access to. Remove all checks, credit cards and all but prepaid debit cards from her possession.

I think an MC would be best for her own safety. She’s liable to make similar calls for transportation if she’s at your house.

what was the reason the AL gave for kicking her out? Usually AL residents can come and go as they please- so I can’t see just the fact that she left the building as a basis for kicking her out. Are they saying she needs a higher level of care than they provide- as in they feel she needs to be in a locked MC unit? Or is she disruptive in other ways?

dancsfo

@bzynursing I am sorry about what you are facing. I agree with @M1 & @Mohicque that a POA is probably a good thing to get and will open up many possibilities. I can't tell under what circumstances she was kicked out of AL, but perhaps the reasons for that can be a basis for other things that could not be done, such as law and doctors not taking away her drivers' license, or recommending the next steps for medical evaluation. Sometimes, people are in such a hurry when they make evaluations, a 3rd party (i.e. info from the AL) can assist in make a better evaluation if they were on the fence (perhaps due to insufficient info). and perhaps there are social service you can contact or even use the Alzheimer's Association helpline (with phone # on alz.org's home page.)

M1

Im surprised you didn't get more responses to such a dramatic story. Any update?