Struggling with Mom's Alzheimers/Dementia

JennTerr

Hello! I am new to this group but grateful to have found this. Sorry for why we are all here but hoping to draw wisdom and strength from you all. Mom has been deteriorating for 4 years and despite my many efforts to get her help, she and my father have chosen to pretend nothing is happening. She is 82 and things are getting really bad. I feel overwhelmed and so sad. She is so miserable all of the time, nothing makes her happy, she can't remember things minutes after they are said, what she does remember is often fantasy, she gets angry always insisting nothing is wrong with her, Dad still lets her drive which terrifies me. I have MS and several autoimmune conditions that stress exacerbates so trying to manage this while taking care of myself. HARD! Just feel isolated with this though I have a very supportive loving husband and adult daughters. Just grateful to feel less alone here. Any advice from others who have parents choosing to just ignore what is happening as they watch their loved one deteriorate?

solerdr

JennTerr,

Sorry that you are here, which as you stated means you are caring for a parent who has Dementia/Alzheimer's.

Has your mother been to a Neurologist? If not, then you can try and schedule an appointment for your mother with a Neurologist and tell her it is her annual check-up with her doctor (this is known a therapeutic lying: lying to help our loved ones).

Once you get a formal diagnosis from the Neurologist you can ask the Neurologist to write a letter to you mother stating that in the Neurologist's professional opinion the Neurologist feels that your mother should not drive anymore. Be sure to make a lot of copies as you will have to show it to her anytime she wants to drive.

As for your father, you can inform him that if your mother drives and gets in an accident, the injured party, should there be one, can sue your parents for everything they have and see how it takes that. Ask him if that is what he wants.

If your mother has already received a formal diagnosis from a Neurologist, ask the Neurologist to write the letter and then proceed with what I suggested above.

We did all of this for my father and eventually he was okay with not driving. The other thing we did to help my father accept not driving was to let him know that he had driven long enough and had missed out on seeing a lot of scenery while driving; thus, and that it was our turn to drive him around so he could enjoy the scenery.

Sadly the Department of Motor Vehicles would not revoke my father's license even though he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's; how idiotic.

I hope these suggestions help.

May God's light guide your day and His spirit fill your heart with peace.