Vascular dementia

chochee Creed

How can I get past the guilt of not being able to take care of my husband anymore at home

mommyandme (m&m)

As I’ve read here many times… “You didn’t put him in a facility, this stupid disease did.” You’re doing your best, you’ve got his back. He’s safe, that’s your number one job as his caregiver. You must take care of you. Your life is no less important than his. You’re still his wife and are caring for him, just not the hard core physical stuff. You’re overseeing that he’s being taken care of, not a small feat on its own. You’re still his care manager. He’s still got you. Maybe he might lose you if you continue to run yourself ragged. You’re not at fault. Put blame where it belongs, on Dementia, darn thing.

So sorry for these struggles. It’s just hard hard hard, no matter what.

ladyzetta

I like what M&M said because feeling guilty is something a lot of us go through. I placed my DH, 8 years ago he was in MC 2 years before he passed away. He got outstanding loving care, the best of care possible. Care that I knew I was not able to give, although I tried, I gave it my best. He has been gone now for 6 years but i still wonder if there was anything more, I could have done. Like M&M said blame dementia not yourself. Take care of yourself. Hugs Zetta

harshedbuzz

Cobbling onto what @ladyzetta said.

My mom really wanted to care for dad at home. I think she was driven by thinking that she was best for him. The sad truth was that he was uncooperative which resulted in spotty quality at home while killing my mom one inch at a time. A well-rested team of professional and dementia-trained professionals were much more able to provide him the care he deserved with the bonus that my mom could step back into the role of doting wife instead of nagging caregiver. The only picture I have of the pair of them smiling in the last 5 years of his life was taken at a party in the MCF.

HB

chochee Creed

My head knows this is best for him and for me but my head is saying that I should have kept him at home

mommyandme (m&m)

This is a heartbreaking situation for sure. I’m very sorry for your pain and grief…grief at every turn…and…grief sucks! Be patient with yourself while you process each new reality. Hopefully time will allow you to “accept and adjust” as you continue down this despicable journey’s path.

chochee Creed

I really hope so I'm going today to put in a appeal for guardianship everyone says I'm next of kin because I'm his wife and I was taking care of him before he had to go to the nursing home and they say I should be guardian

mommyandme (m&m)

I take it that he’s got passed the ability to sign for POAs? The reason you’re going for guardianship instead of POAs?

chochee Creed

Yes he doesn't even know why he's in a nursing home

viarail

If you can no longer take care of your loved one - you MUST do something so YOUR health is not affected. You cannot care in any way if you get sick! ALZ is a disease with NO drugs that stop the problems. They use available drugs which often do not work or work only partially. Most people have NEVER seen a patient with ALZ have sundowners and all the other issues which are caregiving nightmares. Forgive yourself. Do not feel guilty. What you did was common sense.

Timothy.Storey

My wife was in no position to write a will or give me POA when she was placed in a care home. The attorneys I hired have filed a petition to make me her guardian and her conservator. The process has been a lot more gruelling for me than her.

Birdie*4

My husband was officially diagnosed with VD almost a year ago. I am caring for him at home now that I am retired. He needs help with everything as he has forgotten how to do day to day things (making coffee, controlling the tv, working the microwave, etc.). He can still dress himself and feed himself, but needs help bathing and taking meds. He has trouble walking with balance issues and weakness. As you all know, It is so heart breaking to watch my partner slip away from me and I am feeling more and more alone and scared. Not to mention the pressure and stress of having to take over all the financial responsibilities as well. Would this be where the POA comes in? I have not even considered this aspect.. I guess I thought being his wife meant that I could step in for him as needed..how would not having legal POA affect matters going forward in the progression of this disease? Thanks for any help or words of wisdom.

M1

Yes Birdie, you need to hold his power of attorney for healthcare decisions and finances. Talk to a certified elder law attorney, you can find them by location at nelf.org. they can also help you assess how to finance long-term care if needed.

CaliforniaGirl-1

You are doing what's best for him by getting him the care he needs which is more than you can provide at home anymore. That is what to focus on. You are doing a brave thing,

You are not helping him by exhausting yourself and sacrificing your own health. Having him be somewhere, where he can get more care and more specialized care than you can provide is not taking the easy way out. Preserving your own health is not a little side issue. He needs you to be healthy so you can advocate for him and supervise the care he is getting and be there for him for the rest of his life.

The fact that he is not home does not mean you are not caring for him,