Coping with Grief

LaurenCordina

Hi Friends - this is my first post. This is pretty long, I appreciate anyone who reads it.
I am 31 years old and my mother is going to be 75 in September. I noticed over the last several years a slight decline in her memory but thought nothing of it. Last summer, my sister finally convinced my mom to see a psychiatrist who gave her the dreaded diagnosis - dementia.
I immediately denied it, but I knew deep down that it was probably true. Over the last year, my mom's memory has been ok! Minus being forgetful and needing reminders, she was doing pretty great. About a year ago, she started having significant back pain and had two back surgeries in March/April of this year.
After her last surgery in late April, things significantly changed. She wasn't ever answering my texts or calls anymore (she would text me every morning and call me daily) and was just overall acting very differently and not herself.

About a month ago, my dad called me and told me that she wasn't eating and it was really frustrating for him. On June 13th, my brother and dad took my mom to see her back surgeon. She was acting delirious, said she couldn't breathe and was not in good shape. She was immediately rushed to the hospital with an abdominal perforation and fractured hip and pelvis.

She had two life-saving abdominal surgeries and was in the hospital for two weeks. I visited her almost every day.
Two weeks ago, she was moved to a skilled nursing facility. This is when reality really set in for me - my mother has this horrific disease with no cure.
For the last several years I have dealt with my own personal therapy journey to healing from the "trauma" of my childhood (constant criticism from my parents, never feeling good enough, never being good enough compared to my siblings, always being the "black sheep", etc.), and this entire situation has felt like I have taken 100 steps backward.

I have so much guilt and sadness I cannot explain. I am constantly replaying old memories of my mother where I was a terrible daughter. I cannot shake the constant feeling of just pure and utter GUILT.

Every. Single. Thing. reminds me of my mom - TV shows, my dog, the weather, my literal house she helped me decorate, butterflies, flowers, gardening, the grocery store - to name a few. I cannot stop hyper-focusing on the constant feeling of guilt. It is so hard to see her like she is that I almost avoid and dread going to see her because I would rather avoid the feelings entirely.

This post has been entirely too long, so I appreciate anyone who has made it this far, but essentially the entire reason of this post is to ask: how do you live with the daily feeling of grief? What do you do to distract yourself when literally EVERYTHING reminds you of this situation?

Thank you to anyone who cares to read this and provide any help and insight. I see a therapist weekly who is very helpful, but I would like to hear directly from someone who is or has gone through something similar.

M1

Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have done some therapy in the past; maybe it's time to reconnect? I can understand your grief, but not your feeling like you were a terrible daughter. What did you do that was so bad? And in no way should you feel guilty about your mother's illness: you did not cause it. Personal counseling could be a big support to help you get through this.

harshedbuzz

I'm sorry for the place in which you find yourself.

I agree with @M1 -- it might be time to work with a therapist short term to get your bearings and help you process the change in your relationship.

It sounds like you still have some unresolved stuff around your own childhood that informs how you feel now. It sounds like you were what used to be called a "change-of-life baby" and that maybe your parents weren't able to be what you needed as parents when you were a child.

I lived that and it complicated my response to my dad's dementia. I came along too early in my parents' lives; my mom adapted but my dad never really did. He was better with my sister who came later and with his students, but we never really got along and dementia took away the possibility to work through it with him which was frustrating. I did, however, work on this disappointment and some other life challenges that came my way before dad got sick, and it helped me detach from the slights, accept the situation, become a compassionate and capable caregiver and survive without any feelings of guilt.

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

Welcome to this place although I’m very sorry you find yourself here. These folks have been a life saver for me.

My first thought was for you to please work on forgiving yourself for whatever you feel you did wrong and still cannot correct. You have time to ask for any forgiveness you think you might need, now. While caring for my mom, through this illness, I had a lot of past baggage that would come up, which often caught me off guard. I forgave my mom too, which really helped me especially after she was gone. I was able to get rid of my own looped thoughts of something she did that I couldn’t shake. It no longer holds me down, all because I sincerely forgave her while she was still here. Forgiveness goes a long way, especially for the forgiver. Unfortunately, I have some more history now to forgive myself for while caregiving for her, oh well, not perfect. We do our best, I did my best.

You're very young, I’m sorry this is your reality now. Keep coming back to share, vent, etc…

Marta

The OP states she is already seeing a therapist once weekly. I’m wondering why this therapist hasn’t mentioned getting a prescriber on the team - or maybe s/he has recommended medication and the OP is reluctant?

ButterflyWings

I am wondering about mom's injuries. Is she in a safe place? Does she have the correct level of supervision?

It definitely seems like you need to focus on yourself and getting the help needed to feel better, with no guilt for past perceived wrongs. That is one thing my DH with Alz has that I wish to practice (without having dementia though). And that is the erasure of prior bad memories or things that need to be processed (if possible) and then let go of, permanently.

I wish you all the best with your self-care, healing, and what sounds like grieving too, to me.

harshedbuzz

@LaurenCordina

Cobbling onto what @Marta and @ButterflyWings said.

Are you taking any medications to support you as you process this situation? And if you are, are they helping at all or do you feel like maybe you should revisit medication. Medication won't make this go away, but it can help you get "unstuck" and allow you to put the tools you learn in therapy into action.

Is your therapist a good fit? Are they giving you real life strategies and tools you can use to work through what has happened in your life so you can move on?

HB

Jackie_K

Hi @LaurenCordina - first, I am so sorry that you are going through this. My heart broke for you while reading your post. I hope you can get the support you need and that you can get to a place where you feel some peace.

My mom is newly diagnosed, so I am afraid I don't have wisdom to share on that front, but I can relate to the feelings of grief and guilt. We lost my father unexpectedly when I was a teenager, and I was just too young to be able to process a loss that profound at the time. I struggled for a long time with it.

I am glad that you have a therapist that you like and trust, as that is so important. I can share a few things that I have learned over the 25+ years since then, if helpful:

1) Feel your feelings - this is a really, really hard one, but as tempting as it is to want to distract yourself from the grief and pain, it's actually pretty important to feel all of those feelings that you're feeling. I spent so many years distracting myself in many ways, and all it did was compound the pain and have it build up inside. I have learned to accept those feelings when they come and allow myself to just feel them. It's hard to sit with pain but it does eventually pass when you allow yourself to sit with it when it comes.

2) Group therapy - some of what you're feeling sounds very isolating and that probably compounds how you're feeling. Being able to connect with others who have gone through similar things is a great way to help normalize those experiences and to feel less alone in what you're going through.

3) Self-care - it seems very basic and obvious, but I have become pretty relentless about this in the past couple of years and it really is so important. I used to roll my eyes when people recommended sleeping, healthy eating, and exercise, but it is truly so important to take care of yourself on this very basic level, and on a consistent basis. Grief and pain and everything you're working through takes a toll on your body and you need to have the physical energy to work through it.

I have a million other things to share but this is already long and I'm not sure how helpful I am being...! At any rate, take care of yourself and please keep us posted on how you're doing.

AlzWife2023

I agree with posters who suggest medication. I’m 50 and started on low dose Lexapro just as my DH Alzheimer’s journey ramped up. It was kind of a fluke b/c I never would have gone to a doctor to ask for meds but a close friend had just started an anti-anxiety med and it immediately changed her life (I observed her become calm, rational, etc) so I did an online prescriber and I’m so glad! There’s no way I could have gotten through this journey so far without the help of Lexapro.

SDianeL

So sorry you're going through this and for your childhood. My Mom is gone now and did not have dementia, (My DH was diagnosed 2 years ago) but my Mom had a terrible childhood. Her father beat her and she had 2 younger sisters 6 & 12 years younger that she was forced to raise. Her mother was useless and weak. My Mom kept asking why did they treat her so bad? I read a book about rational thinking a long time ago and it has some things that helped her. 1. You can't pick your parents but they made you who you are. Be thankful for that. 2. You did nothing to deserve it. 3. Write them a letter telling them how you feel. So when her Dad passed away by suicide she was devastated and again asked why?? I asked her to write him a long letter telling him everything. How she felt, how she was treated and what a piece of crap he was. She wrote the letter and put it in his coffin. She seemed relieved after that and never brought it up again. I would write a letter to your Mom, pour your heart out and then burn it and while it's burning, try to let it all go up with the smoke. The book I read was "A New Guide to Rational Thinking" and it's still available today. It not only helped her but helped me. One line in the book that stuck with me was when a husband was complaining to the psychiatrist about his alcoholic wife. The doctor said "well what do you expect an alcoholic to act like" and that he only had 2 options, live with it or leave. You can't change her. She has to do that herself. This forum has helped me so much after my DH diagnosis and with dealing with my guilt about not being the perfect caregiver. Please keep in touch here.