Falsely Accusing Me of Infidelity

cavenson

I can handle my DH's forgetfulness and losing things. I can take care of his meds and appointments and make sure bills are paid and home repairs get made. I can usually avoid arguments by agreeing with him and letting things go. However, the area I don't do well with is his accusing me of infidelity. This has been going on for over 5 years, but it's either getting worse or I'm just worn out from it. I didn't sleep at all after last night's tirade.

DH had left me another handout from the internet he wanted to discuss. This one was "What Ethical Non-Monogamy Is," and he said he wanted me to read the section on "The Effects of Long-Term Infidelity." I've never been unfaithful or ever been alone with any of the men I'm accused of having relationships with. The three men he accuses me of having affairs with are the husbands in couples we've socialized with and traveled with for many years. Two have died, but that doesn't stop DH from continually bringing up "proof" of my infidelity; and his "proof" is mostly somewhat bizarre incidents that he has made up--though he says they are vivid in his mind. He also says I've gazed at the men lovingly when they talk. (I have a counseling background and have a habit of making eye contact with people I talk with.) The one gentleman still living--we haven't seen in over 6 months--since DH had an outburst in the restaurant at him and walked out. I think DH has delusional jealousy.

I realize I can't reason with him, but I try anyway. When I tell him I love him and haven't been unfaithful, he gets angry and says, "You must think I'm really stupid to believe that." I'm not able to divert his attention when he begins to rant.

So, how do I cope with this? I know it's the Alzheimer's causing it, but how can I get to the point that I can let this go so that I don't get upset and have more sleepless nights over it?

loveskitties

Unfortunately this is not a rare occurrence with PWD.

Have you talked with his doctor about this issue? Any chance that a med change or new one could help?

What is his reaction if you say nothing or leave the room?

Hope that you can find a good solution because I know it is very hard to be a loving caregiver in this environment.

Quilting brings calm

Report this to his doctor and ask for medication to be given to treat the delusion. Counseling won’t help him because he can’t remember the discussions or follow directions the counselor gives him. The same for you trying to have a logical discussion about it.

You can leave the room in the moment. That’s it.

Ed1937

This is very common in dementia land. Try "I'm sorry this belief hurts you so badly." Then try to change the subject. "I have some pie and ice cream. Let's have some. Then we'll listen to some music." Or anything else that might work. PWD seem to not be able to process more than one thought at a time, and it might get his mind off that subject.

By telling him you're sorry that belief hurts so much, that validates his feelings, but you don't have to admit or deny it. Of course you wouldn't want to admit that, but if you deny it, that could also lead to more fodder for an argument, as you have already found out.

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harshedbuzz

@cavenson

I'm sorry. This hurts. Hurtful as this is, it is pretty garden-variety dementia behavior. It's pretty common in men especially.

My dad did this although he lost his computer literacy skills by that point. In his case, I feel like a lot of this was driven by anxiety over his loss of being a full partner in the marriage. He constantly accused my mom of infidelity whereas I was charged with theft and dishonesty. His beliefs were often conflated memories based off of something that had a small grain of truth but completely different actors.

Because this is his reality, protestations and claims of innocence will only serve to further upset him. I could convince him that mom loved him and would never look at another man, but TBH, I didn't have it in me to drive to their house and put this fire out multiple times in a 24-hour period. We got dad in to see a geriatric psychiatrist who put dad on a low dose cocktail to address his anxiety and agitation. It didn't eradicate this entirely, but it was enough that we could validate and redirect him to more pleasant topics. The infidelity accusation dropped to about once every couple of weeks vs every couple hours. Quality of life improved for everyone-- especially dad who was feeling the pain of his delusions.

Some wise folks here have suggested apologizing for one's sins. I personally thought this was insanity. One day when dad was on one of his "Harshed is a thief" rants which I was done a recording to send to his geripsych (dad showtimes in the office, so his doctor didn't have a good sense of how aggressive he could be at home), I apologized for being dumb and selling his house for $360K less than it was worth and said I would never do it again. He smiled and said "good" and then carried on with some ridiculous conversation about him driving to Florida.

FTR, the $360K number was a theme in his screeds. It turns out he lost that amount day trading before he lost the ability to use his computer. I begged my mother to cut off internet, but she felt it made him feel "useful". I, personally, would not allow a PWD to access the internet-- there are too many ways it can end badly. Scams sharing personal identity information, getting roped into donations to questionable charities, obsessive shopping, and even downloading illegal porn have all been discussed on this site.

I would change the WiFi password, slip his devices into airplane mode, spill a Coke on to it. I would also lock down credit with the 3 major credit bureaus proactively.

HB

M1

Welcome to the forum. Agree strongly with limiting if not completely curtailing his internet access. Have you checked to be sure he is not accessing porn sites? This is also common and may be feeding his sexual focus. Medication is frequently required to tamp this kind of thing down, becomes especially important if you need to hire outside help (frequently female) or he needs facility care (where help is also predominately female).

SheDino

So far, I haven't been accused of infidelity, but theft, trying to kill him and general dishonesty were pretty frequent accusations before doctor put him on quetiapine (aka Seroquel). Took three dose increases, but really helped. DH has both Alzheimer's and Lewy Body dementias.

ButterflyWings

Ironically, DH (age 80+) just asked me, "so is that your boyfriend?" I said, "No, it's our son". I then gave him a big smile and said "you're the only boyfriend for me! My husband, my best and only guy, ever!" Big kiss on the cheek and that's that. I expected him to let it go and he did. Had he continued, I would have ignored the conversation. For as long as it takes. That's what nipped it in the bud for us back in the day, when it came up.

It has been a couple of years since he really fixated for a bit on subtle and not so subtle accusations that I had a boyfriend - I remember him going there a few times and I did not handle it as lightheartedly as I can now- once it was his friend that stopped by to see HIM, or anyone who called or texted me (often a young lady student, or nurse, etc.). I was fortunate that he did not get hung up on this delusion that many PWDs have, as it really irritated me and that is not a helpful response from a spouse caregiver.

At the time, I gave him the firm lecture at least twice, that he is the only one for me, and if he didn't trust me that was his problem, but I assured him in no uncertain terms that I refused to be accused of something I would never, ever do. (I know you can't reason with a PWD), but I couldn't do any better at the time. With that scenario, it really was just not something I could handle. Either he respected the emotion and tone in my voice (I really was upset), or we just lucked out and his Seroquel helped us avoid that particular problem ever fully developing. Because after a few episodes I ignored any statements like that and he backed off, thankfully. Again, I am very glad he didn't get stuck on that because between AD and anosognosia, I realize my little lecture would not have mattered. I feel fortunate.