My MIL died

Kevcoy

It has been a long time since I've updated information about my MIL. As some of you may remember the two of us haven't had the best relationship over the past 2 decades since I've been with my DH. I forbid her from coming to our house after she accused me of stealing her deceased husband's Rolex watch, slapping me and throwing a can of cat food at me last year.

She started falling and not being able to get up in Dec. Then in Jan. was placed in the hospital, then rehab where she has spent the past 6 1/2 months before her body gave up and she passed away last Wed.

She had absolutely no friends so I suggested to my DH's brother (BIL) that maybe the best thing would be a grave side service for family and maybe a memorial pot luck at a later date. But my BIL and his wife seem set on having a memorial service and reception for their friends and ours. The problem with that is, our friends have told me they would never go to any kind of service for her because of the way she has treated us, especially me, in the past. My other concern is I think a big memorial would be very hard on my DH. He bursts into tears whenever anyone even says they are sorry to hear about his mother. I think having people come up to him who he may or may not know to offer their condolences would be very hard for him. There is also the fact that he may not even remember much of the service.

Finally, my MIL basically lived on her Social Security so there are no funds to tap into for a memorial service. My BIL and SIL are always crying they have no money since BIL lost his job a couple months ago so who do they think is going to pay for this? I know we are going to have to help with the funeral home expenses but why add to it?

harshedbuzz

I'm so sorry for all you have been through with this woman. I recall your many ghastly posts here about her behavior and can appreciate not wanting to stress your husband with the task of mourning a complicated individual given his dementia. These sorts of things are difficult for PWD.

HB

Quilting brings calm

I would call or go to the funeral home and speak to the director ( or whomever is going to help you all with the arrangements) . Explain to them how much you can or cannot ( will or will not) contribute to the funeral expenses. Explain to them your BIL’s financial situation and the probable lack of attendance.

I would explain the same thing to your BIL and SIL. Will they get mad? Probably - but at this point, do you really care about salvaging that relationship for the long term ( meaning after your spouse gets much further along).

Our son died just a few weeks ago. We had to give the funeral home the life insurance info so they could confirm it. I also had to give them a check for $3800 the day of the funeral. That was to cover payments they were making to the cemetery, vault company etc. The entire funeral cost was $17,000+. Visitation and service were the same day.

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Ed1937

I also remember your plight with MIL. It's too bad it had to be that way, but now you have to think of what is best for you and DH. I'm sorry this is yet something else you have to deal with.

Joydean

I’m so sorry you are now having to go through this ordeal. I also remember all that you had to go through. I agree with others that your priorities are now to you and your dh. I can’t see any reason you should have to put your husband through any stressful ordeal. And there’s nothing wrong with being cremated. Funerals are for the living not the deceased. I know you will make the right decision for you and your husband. Blessing to you.

JJ401

I'd tell BIL and SIL that they are free to arrange anything they want, but they are responsible for the cost. Then don't sign anything (and don't let them be alone with DH so they don't get him to sign anything).

Quilting brings calm have you some good advice on talking to the funeral director. They should be knowledgeable about the availability of county/state funds for the indigent.

Ed1937

Kevcoy, I don't know what you plan to do with this, but here's something you might consider. If you are going to buy a casket or vault, or even a monument or marker, you might get a much better price from a third party seller. I recently bought a double marker from a third party, and saved well over $1,000.00!

Iris L.

Was she a veteran or spouse of a veteran? She might be eligible for a veteran's plot.

Iris

Denise1847

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of everything else. I would tell your BIL that you cannot afford to pay for the service and that your DH will only be able to attend a private family service. Otherwise, he and you won't be there. It may sound curt, but you have to protect your financial interests and the your DH's condition. Are they helping you and your DH? I suspect not. Please don't be guilted into making a commitment. God bless.

ButterflyWings

Kevcoy, I am glad to hear from you, though the reason is not celebratory. I definitely remember what you went through, and you were a saint in the face of unbelievable abusive behavior. I was inspired by the decisions and boundaries that you ultimately set for you and your DH's protection and survival. It is time for clear boundaries again. I agree with Victoria, JJ401, Denise and everyone about your responsibilities to this woman and in-laws being fulfilled already. And that BIL and SIL need a simple, clear communication that you all are financially unable to underwrite funeral services and DH can only attend a small family ceremony due to his condition.

If they want to do something further, then that is on them to fund. I'd be concerned that they might expect you to be responsible for other outstanding bills or expenses your MIL had, if you go ahead and help fund something you already told them is not a good idea. I wish you well with the dementia journey and your caregiving for DH.

ButterflyWings

QBC, I am so sorry for your loss. Words are not sufficient to explain the bond between mother and son no matter the possible challenges they may have faced in the course of their lives and relationship.

Quilting brings calm

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/177297#Comment_177297

Thank you for your kind words. He had epilepsy( normally well controlled) and we believe he had a seizure in bed. Impossible to tell for sure after the fact. We miss him so much.