Early Alz - is distance caregiving better?

Smartin757

My Mom is on the verge of mild Alzheimers (according to her doctor it’s still mild cognitive decline, yet her short term memory is atrocious and will forget things I tell her 10 minutes prior).

my issue is that I’m her only family member. I live 3+ hours away. She doesn’t have anyone where she lives, except a couple of friends (who I can’t rely on for much).

the other concern is that she barely has any money, so if I move her closer she may lose her yard which she loves. Rent is high here, and she can’t move in with me since she has two large dogs and I have young kids. So either way she still will be living alone (as long as we can, her large dogs are her life).

is it riskier to keep her long distance (and slightly more isolated, yet she knows the area, likes her home), or move her closer where we can see her a little more, but in a home she won’t love and an area that she probably can’t drive anymore…with no friends. Will moving her potentially cause greater / faster decline? Should I just deal with distance as long as she can live alone? Appreciate the listening ear. I’m so tired and this is just beginning.

M1

Welcome to the forum. It seems the docs always say mild cognitive decline initially, whether warranted or not. You do have a dilemma, for sure. First: you didnt mention, do you have power of attorney for her? If not you need to pursue getting it asap, medical and financial, as she may well resist making changes (moving, giving up driving) as she progresses. A certified elder law attorney can help with this as well as advise you about protecting her assets and qualifying her for long term Medicaid, which she may need to finance care in the future.

Second, if you are so far away, you may not have a good handle on how she is truly functioning day to day. A long visit may be in order, to scope out the house (is it being kept up? Is there expired food in the fridge?), the car (any unexplained dents or scrapes?), the bills (being paid?), the neighbors and friends (are the dogs being cared for? Causing any nuisance?). That may help you assess more accurately. It's a general rule of thumb that most of us tend to underestimate how impaired our loved ones are and overestimate their capabilities.

Glad you are looking out for her. What to do about the dogs depends a lot on getting the other questions answered. Looking for overfeeding is another common thing (my partner fed two cats 24 cans of food in three days).

Smartin757

Thank you.

We just got the legal pieces in order, so that's done.

Its also a challenge because I have a 1 and 4 year old, so me being gone long periods of time isn't realistic. However, I have visited and have noticed things that should be better maintained (cleaning) and believe the dogs probably are overfed, poor things. We are in the process of taking over finances (I wish there was an easier way to quickly do this, every step seems to take ages and I have a full time job, so I feel like I'm drowning).

mommyandme (m&m)

Yes, you have a lot going on! I’m afraid it could become unsustainable this way, sorry to say.

My brother and I did long distance care for about two years. My brother painstakingly took over her finances since she was taken by scammers twice. That is a huge undertaking. After that, we noticed she wasn’t caring for herself well or her home so we hired in help. To start, we hired a service to come in 6 hours a day, in two three hour shifts. Meds, meals, dressing, appts and errands etc…were handled well for awhile. Then we had to increase to two four hour shifts. Eventually we got cameras in which helped us supervise from a far. All the while my brother and I took turns going each month and stayed for a week or more. Then we moved to 24/7 hired help. It was very difficult to manage long distance and there were two of us. After only six months of that, we moved mom next door to me and I took on the hands on caregiving, still with lots of help.

im not sure on any finances you have to work with but maybe a Care Manager could be a support for you. Do you know her neighbors? My mother had a few great neighbors that we could contact for facts and help at times. I’m thinking a move closer to you may have to happen, sooner than later. You have so many responsibilities. Your moms safety is number one priority for her. Wherever she is safest is where she needs to be, with or without the dogs. Having said that, you and your children’s lives are just as important, if not more. If you are overwhelmed, no one will be healthy or happy. You must care for yourself, and of course your babes.

Im so sorry this is your reality.