Impossible situation.

Rizzy

I could really use some prayers right now. My husband has mds, a form of blood cancer is getting ready to start chemo. That in itself is hard. I have a horribly abusive mom that is 86 with some dementia. She told me yesterday with hate in her eyes and face that I’ve been nothing but trouble and she’s been thru with me since I was 8 years old. Then she said she hopes my husband dies, he’s been nothing but trouble the 49 years we have been married. I’m just so devastated, I can’t stop crying. I’ve always known deep down she resented me since she had to get married at 17 and quit school. I’ve always felt unloved, but to hear her say it, I’m just hurt beyond words. At a time I’m scared to death I’m going to lose my husband. Thank you for any prayers you may offer up for me and my husband. I thank you from my heart.  Rizzy.

M1

Done. Terrible to have a toxic parent, i had one too and am lucky she died by the time i was 41, though it took years of therapy to get past it. So glad i didnt have to face caring for her in her old age, i give you all my sympathy on that one. Living well is the best revenge. I'm so, so sorry. the little girl you were didn't deserve that.

Myelodysplastic syndrome is a tough disease, i wish you both the best. Keep us posted.

mountainloon

Hi Rizzy, I'm sorry for the tough situation you are in. It is hard enough to handle a spouse with a disease must less have no support with a toxic parent. You do not deserve this and it is not anything you did wrong. This is something that is deep within your mother that she needs to handle, again it is not your fault.

I am praying for you to find peace and wisdom and the strength to get through each day. Praying for healing for your husband and for your mom to come to terms with her own issues and to leave you alone.

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harshedbuzz

@Rizzy

I am so sorry for this situation and hope your DH does well with treatment.

I am also sorry for the nasty things your mom said. Has she always felt this way about your DH? Sometimes PWD become an amplified version of their former selves which can be hard. Mix-in an increasingly absent social filter and things can go sideways. That said, sometimes PWD time-travel as well. My dad used to attempt to discipline me as if I were a teenager on the regular despite being 60. I wonder if your mom has traveled back to the time when she was forced to leave school and is experiencing those raw feelings like it's the first time.

What's her living situation? Is she still at home with you and aides managing her care? Is this still doable as your focus shifts to your DH's needs right now? If she can't personally fund 24/7 caregivers, the time has likely come for her to go into a MCF to free you up for a short weekly visit. If you're her POA, safety is your mandate-- not happiness or entertainment.

HB

The4thOne

Blessings to you Rizzy..

I can't say I understand the multiple challenges you are going through. My mother is 85 and when her 'cognitive degeneration' moved to dementia, she would say some of the most horrible things. I mean she has always been a firecraker, but nothing like this. The cussing of words she NEVER used. The insults, 'I hate you, I never loved you, I wish I would have flushed you when I got pregnant' Oh, it was nasty and then nastier than that! And it is impossible to hear that and not be so hurt with the idea that she must have always felt this way. I know what you mean about the face, when my mother was going through this the look on her face could only be described as demonic, and just evil. We got so that we felt the hate was a threat. Then when we would say what she said, it would trigger another round of 'your calling me aliar, I know you never loved me, etc' When we had no choice but to place her in a MC facility, it poured out on the staff as well. However, they had seen this, so they handled it, even when it was more than they were used to. But through research and speaking with others who went through it I learned not to be embarassed by sharing the evil that was spewing out. Even though it is a hurtful psychological abuse to you, for her it is really a neurological damage to the part of her brain that has no filter nor discernment. And while that may sound as if that only unearths what she felt underneath, it is not. I learned to normalize it; when I came to see her, and I could see her tuning up, as me and my brother called it, I learned to steal the power and just casually say, 'yeah Ma, I know, I'm a bi**h and a Wh**e, and you hate me' So did you eat all of your lunch?' Now she spews every now and then, but it does not hurt the way it did in the beginning. See, this is not your mother, because your mother would never say these things to you, and if she was in her right mind, she would be appalled and non-believing that you said she said such things. Because as your mother, she would NEVER say those things, because she loved you, and even on her worst moment would never say these things. That's where you have to remind yourself that it is a physical deterioriation attacking her brain, and neurological function it is a real sicknesss damaging her brain; this is not your mother, no matter what kind of mother she was.

Her is an article that may help you....

https://ohalllaw.com/a-loved-ones-cursing-with-dementia-and-alzheimers-what-you-should-know-tampa-elder-law-attorney/#:~:text=At%20some%20point%20in%20this,ability%20to%20guard%20their%20language.