Public restrooms

CStrope

DH has mixed dementia with FTD being his main diagnosis. Up until very recently, he has been able to perform his bathrooming needs on his own. This weekend we made the 4 hour trip to visit our daughter, which involves at least 2 or 3 stops to use the restroom. I can no longer pull up to the rest area and assume he can run in and take care of things on his own. How do others handle their LO when they need to use a public facility?

Crushed

You take the person to the bathroom

Last Dance

FROM: Last Dance This is a dilemma that most of us caregivers face at one time or another in our life, I am not sure but I think it's worse for a husband than it is for a wife. When my wife couldn't go to the bathroom by herself, I would take her in to the women's restroom, I would open the door and say I'm coming in to help my wife. I never had any push-back or any complaints I think most women understand that. I think that if you took your husband into the women's restroom it would be OK. You just have to say I'm bringing my husband in to the restroom to help him out. You could even use the men's restroom and I don't think most men would care it probably be more of an embarrassment for you then for them. And of course the problem could be with him. Would he accept going into the woman's restroom if knew that's where you were taking him. I always used the handicapped stalls if they were available. 2 people in those little stalls is a challenge.

PookieBlue

When we went on camping trip in May, I stopped at McDonalds to eat and use facilities. I got the food to take to vehicle. I walked with DH and pups back so he could use the rest room. I waited outside with dogs. He came back out a couple times and said he couldn’t get in. There was a key pad to enter and DH did not ask for code. I asked a nearby patron to help him with the keypad and they did.

MN Chickadee

Gender neutral bathrooms are so important to many people at various stages of life and we need more of them but they tend to be few and far between. I would focus on small gas stations, they tend to have single stall bathrooms so you could go in with him. You might find it useful to have little cards in your pocket to slip to workers or people who side eye you. Some caregivers carry something saying along the lines of "my husband has dementia. Thank you for your extra patience and understanding."

Joe C.

I second the suggestion of looking for places with single stall and family restrooms that you can go in with him. That’s what I did when DW could no longer use the bathroom by herself.

ghphotog

Multi-gender bathrooms are a God send.

JoseyWales

For the most part, I used family restrooms with DH when they were available.

But, there were times I just took him in with me and went into the handicap stall. I would just smile and say, "Excuse us. He needs help in the restroom." Only 1 time did I have a problem, and that was with the waitstaff at a restaurant on our anniversary. They saw us go into an unoccupied bathroom and felt it necessary to come in and tell us that he couldn't be in the bathroom. That was the last anniversary I had with him home. I am not sorry to say that I yelled at her. Included in my rant was how if they had a restroom for those with disabilities, this wouldn't be an issue.

Looking back, I'm impressed with how many women were ok with me bringing DH in with me. At the time he was mid 50s and still looked healthy at first glance.

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Beachfan

I just took DH into the ladies room. “Pardon us; he needs my help.” Never a problem or any pushback.

CStrope

thank you all for the comments and suggestions. I do have a stack of the little cards that I carry, I've used them mostly in restaurants, but will now have them at the ready in case I need them in restrooms.

Ed1937

"I would have yelled -- "it's our anniversary & this is a tradition--go away!" Victoria, I really think my laptop will be OK after I spit water all over it.

This is one difficult part of the disease. If you're at home, it's one thing. Public places are a whole different story. I agree that there should be more "family restrooms" in public places.

Gthoma

Good discussion. I've wondered about this. Last 2 yrs we took the 3.000 mi round trip to visit DWs family. Can't do that anymore now.

But I was impressed to see some roadside rest areas now have a sign posted outside both restrooms that says something like "Men/Women only except for caregivers." I thought that was a sign of progress for us all.

But unisex bathrooms are too few.

ButterflyWings

I have liberated more men's rooms than I care to admit. I decided if I could loiter at the door and even have a conversation to keep DH focused, I may as well join him and help. Plus it eventually became necessary as he can't get his unders down and back up properly, for sure can't clean up properly and get new diaper/tab briefs on. He is a flushing hazard - will try to disappear pretty much anything that's not locked down so clogs and floods are the aftermath. And I don't even want to think about the sanitation part of the facilities generally. Can you be sure your DH washes his hands even? Mid-stage travel for us was during the worst of COVID-19 so I did not want him touching handles, seats, faucets, etc. anyway and he couldn't remember any of those precautions. Used to take his disposable gloves off to wash his hands lol.

Airports and Road trip 101 was an early scare with me not knowing there was a separate exit to some mens rooms (the things we learn on this AD journey). Once DH seemed to be taking a really long time, and me yoo-hooing eventually from the door didn't help. Several guys came out and yeah, I got some weird looks before finally one told me DH left through the back door. It was single digit weather outside and scared the poop out of me because he couldn't be found for a few minutes. Elvis had left the building (by yet a different door) and circled around while I was evidently circling around the other way. The wraparound parking lot just looked like a parking lot to him I am sure and he kept walking around trying to find our car which we left at the gas pump for what should have been a quick pit stop bathroom break. I got panicky before we finally reconnected and got back into our heated car. It could have been one of those news stories where an elder walks off and that's it - lost, hypothermia, etc. Scared me so much. Much more scary than taking him into the ladies' room or me venturing into the land of the urinals.

It was small rest stops from then on, for me. No more big food court, truck stop, shower type places. Airports seem to be leading the way on Family/unisex facilities. What a blessing. Victoria you made me spit my coffee too lol. So true! Glad you yelled at that person, Josey. What a jerk. And yes CStrope as Crushed said, you take them to the restroom.

toolbeltexpert

I never had to do this and now dw can't find the bathroom in her room in the mc. Cstrope thanks for your post. Some of it made me smile and some of it made me scared. All the things that we take for granted. Loved all the responses.

JoseyWales

Victoria - You made me laugh! Why didn't I think of that at the time?!

CStrope

Here's another addition to our bathroom antics! DH has had some extreme issues with constipation lately (he has had issues his entire life). We are doing daily MiraLax and stool softeners to help, but it isn't always enough. He seems to not understand all of the mechanics around having a bowel movement, so I joke that I have become his "poop coach". I haven't quite decided how to add that to my resume'!! haha

Cathy123

ahhhh the dreaded public bathroom happenings. Gas stations were THE worst.

similar to those informational cards printed, we had printed on index cards

“THIS BATHROOM BEING USED

BY WITH ALZHEIMERS MAN AND

CAREGIVER WIFE.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND”

taped to the door and sometimes forgotten, yup, that was me