Dirty Liar

Hohenzollern

My DW has Early-Onset Alz. I hate feeling like a dirty liar when I agree with her about her driving again. I agree when she says she is looking forward to growing old together, etc. Recently and without anyone's notice or approval, her brother gave my wife's Toyota 4-Runner, which he was keeping, to his daughter (my W's niece). She took it to Fla. where she lives and works. When my DW asks about her car, I plan to tell her that it is "in for service." I don't know what else to do.

Rocky2

Hohenzollern,

My DW alao has EOAD. I share your feelings about lying. I have learned that my DW, and any PWD (person with dementia) does not reason or think like someone without the disease. It can actually be distressing, cruel and, actually, impossible to try to get them so see the world as non- PWD does. You will see some here talk about "fiblets". These fiblets are part of stepping into our loved one's reality and reducing their stress. They are used out of love, not a desire to do any harm. Others will provide their experiences and perspectives. I hope they will be helpful as you and your DW travel this often challenging journey.

Tom

M1

Hohenzollern (love the screen name btw), you're not a dirty liar. You are telling her whatever will bring the most comfort, and that's all that matters. My partner asks me every visit if/when she will be coming home, and I tell her just as soon as they say you can/as soon as you're ready, when you're better, whatever it takes. While I'm telling myself in my own head, I'll bring you home to scatter your ashes. It breaks me heart, but it's the only thing I can do. It's not a complete lie--she will be back at our farm someday, but she probably won't be alive to see it.

Hohenzollern

Thanks for the encouraging words. I know in my head that my DW will be better off and less agitated if I continue to use those "fiblets." However, I still feel bad about avoiding the truth with her. My hope is that I will be able to separate or compartmentalize regular lies and fiblets where my "feelings" are concerned. Thanks again.

Hz.

Pat6177

A video I watched on YouTube about dementia explained it this way: a lie is to deceive, a fiblet is to relieve. It does get a bit easier to give the fiblet, especially as the disease progresses. But it doesn’t come naturally to lie to my DH. I’m terrible at coming up with fiblets on the spur of the moment.

ButterflyWings

Fiblets are your friend. And hers. Then divert, distract, and change the subject after kicking the can down the road on touchy subjects. I got very good at noncommittal answers, like "hmm, not sure but I can find out, could be, maybe, I'll look into that" etc.

Is BIL the POA? I ask because if he's giving away her assets without checking with you first, that could create problems. Beyond just being inappropriate it would seem to me. But legally, if at any point she needs to be qualified for Medicaid, there is a lookback period of a few years and giving away assets can complicate things I believe. If you have not yet consulted a CELA, it is really important to do so very soon to make sure missteps are not made.

harshedbuzz

It's hard. My mom really struggled with telling dad what he needed to hear; she was really stuck on the notion that he deserved to be treated as an equal partner. I spent a lot of time driving to their place to put out fires.

She eventually came around to appreciate that it wasn't about what she wanted or needed, i.e. dad in his former state/a clear conscience, but about the serenity he needed with his compromised cognition.

HB