Seeking advice

thebadguy

Hello, new to the forum! I've been struggling trying to find answers and help with my mom. 4 years I tried convincing both my mom and dad to sell their house and move closer. My dad 6 years ago was diagnosed with colon cancer, late stage. He somehow managed to survive it, but never came even close to recovering fully. A little over a year ago he had complications and had to be hospitalized. Having a medical background I knew the prognosis wasn't good, and convinced my mom to move in with me. And I wonder if that was the wrong thing to do. My mom was my best friend, and I got along extremely well with my dad, but I think there were things he kept from us. We all knew in the family that she had a pathological lying problem, there are always Little White lies not harmful, but very embarrassing. She used to control it around me though because I would not tolerate it. Though I always suspect that she believed the lies she was telling. So we struggled with that at first and I thought that was the only issue. But I quickly needed to take over making the arrangements for my dad's care and health, she simply wasn't capable of it. He required so much care that he was put in a skilled nursing facility, which I arranged for him close to my house. I knew almost right away we had bigger problems with Mom. She didn't want to go in to see him and when she did she was impatient to leave. My dad acted as though that's what he expected from her and was okay with it. When he took a turn for the worse, and was not expected to make it, there was no emotion from my mom. I was with her in the hospital for him the night he passed. There was absolutely no emotion then either. It broke my heart. As soon as he passed she had her purse in hand and stood up and was ready to leave. There is no tears until she saw other people crying.

Since then, I have noticed that that is what she does. She mimics. Not very well, but she definitely mimicked what she was seeing and hearing emotional wise. But she's progressed to where she doesn't really do that anymore either. The other thing we noticed, was the paranoia. We constantly had to reassure her that we loved her and wanted her there. That has progressed as well. Now she will swear if she hears us talking about her, saying nasty things. Thinks we are stealing her money and after her for everything she has. Her words. Calling us names, and saying she just wanted to die or was going to kill herself. It amazes me, that when I've taken her to the emergency room after having made those comments, we never received any help. I switched her doctor to one up here, and they gave her a diagnosis of delusional. But it's so much more than that. I can't count how many times I've called them and told them what was going on, because when I take her for the appointments I can't say anything in front of her because she loses her mind. Not in front of the doctor still, when they're around, she's pleasant. And she denies everything. My autistic son lives with me, but he wants to move now, despite the fact he knows he can't live on his own. He simply cannot tolerate the paranoia, the nastiness, and he especially hates her listening at our doors constantly.

I should add at this point, that shortly after my dad passed she had an accident, which led to them finding a very large tumor in her colon at the e.r. . She had also gone from 160 lb to 90 lb a few months before she moved in with me. Again, there was no real emotion from her about it, even though she was told it was most likely cancer. I took care of her all through that, I took care of everything. It turned out not to be cancer, and I had hoped that after that she would recover physically and mentally. But she did not and it got worse. She has been in and out of the emergency room ever since. And lately her paranoia and delusions have gotten worse. I catch her watching p*** for some reason, and she says some very bizarre, very cruel things. Her paranoia is next level. I don't think she brings in enough money from social security for a nursing home, but I cannot take care of her the way she needs now. I feel so guilty and I hate to say it but I have my family I need to take care of, and I can't do that right now. My son and i's mental states, I would say we both have borderline depression if not PTSD. We are afraid to leave our rooms in our own house because we don't know which Mom we're going to get. I found this site yesterday through research, and have reached out to them. I'm hoping they can help us.

I wish the doctors could have at least told us how to handle my mom better, I didn't know you're not supposed to argue with them. I've been trying to reason with her this whole time which I suspect made things worse. I am truly at my wit's end.

thebadguy

As a side note, the house here and my dad lived in has been condemned. She has neglected paying any of the bills or anything but refuses to let me help with finances. However I have managed to work out with the bank a deal, and have someone willing to buy the property as is. However she is fighting this as she wants to move back into it. It is absolutely unlivable, I see now I should not have been trying to reason with her and explain. So now I'm trying to come up with something else, just so she understands she cannot go back there.

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thebadguy

Thank you. I used to use her name the bad guy because that seems like what I am in this situation. According to her that is. My son is 24, but he has autism, and the adult content makes him anxious and he walks in and sees her watching it in the living room. Don't blame him, makes me feel extremely awkward as well. She always seems surprised that it's on when I point it out...

I am her health proxy, as I was my dad's due to my medical background. But the POA I have is limited, trying to look in to a durable POA, but I would have to do it without her permission. Her paranoia is so extreme that she's carrying her purse around clutching it to her everywhere, let alone signing a power of attorney like that.

I appreciate the advice to get legal help, I have to find a way to do this at no or at least low cost. Without this situation I would not be financially struggling, but there's not a lot left over after bills, and now I'm careful not to spend it because more than likely I will have to pay for her medications. She runs out of money by the middle of the month, I'm not even sure how, I think phone scammers are getting to her.

Unfortunately late afternoon yesterday, while I was out taking care of the animals, she was in my room, I found my papers gone through and the place I keep spare cash open and missing some. My son was not at home. And now I think she has the power of attorney papers that I do have. I am just shocked at how fast and bad her paranoia got. I'm getting so frustrated, the next time she tries to leave I'm tempted to just let her go. But I don't want her to hurt anybody trying to drive.

Also I was informed by a friend that in the state I live in, the children are responsible for their parents. I'm not sure how far that extends. Does that mean if she gets out of the house and drives and has an accident, I am responsible? So many questions...

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thebadguy

I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some advice! I have reached out to them here at ALZ connected, they're being very helpful as well. Looking forward to tomorrow so I can start reaching out to other agencies and try to get help. I will also research getting some legal help...

Thank you again, I didn't think you were accusing of anything, if anything sounded that way I do apologize!

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place. Boy, do you need it.

The very first thing you need to do is to change your Wi-Fi password. Do it now. Then come back and take the steps @Victoria2020 outlined to protect your son. Young men with autism have a reputation in the law enforcement community for porn as a special interest. If the state police track inappropriate content to your home's IP address, it will be assumed he is the perp. Allowing this behavior puts him at risk of arrest and potentially jail time or court ordered treatment with other sex offenders (if you're lucky).

The second thing you need to do is to consult with a CELA. It doesn't sound like mom is willing or capable to give you a DPOA in her current state. You may need to obtain emergency guardianship with a plan to take over all her affairs. This is more expensive and time-consuming than a POA but will allow you to take next steps in this situation. IME, I have an aunt and a friend who were forced by circumstances to obtain guardianship of a LO, the judge will order an evaluation for competency. If you are awarded guardianship, which I would expect given what you've shared, she will be paying the costs.

I would talk to the CELA about qualifying for Medicaid and consider transitioning her to a MCF or SNF depending on the rules in your state.

Your mom sounds like she needs a workup with a neurologist who specializes in dementia asap. It is possible that she has some treatable condition that could be reversed with appropriate care. Even if she doesn't, there are medications that could help with her more challenging behaviors.

That said, no doctor is going to tell you how to manage the caregiving aspects of dementia. IME, they give a diagnosis and perhaps meds to help her function as well as she can at this point. We found adding a geriatric psychiatrist to dad's team more useful then the neurologist once we had a firm diagnosis. The folks at this site are helpful, there are books and videos for specific challenges like not driving and dealing with hygiene refusal as well.