Need a shoulder

CorrieG

One of the most difficult things about this caregiving stuff is that my family, every family, has other challenges in addition to our LO's diagnosis. It's just so much.

I have an anxiety disorder. I was a nervous kid who grew up to be a nervous adult. Because I’ve dealt with it so long, I am able to work through panic attacks but I still get them and my DH’s diagnosis didn't calm me down any.

We were at a nice restaurant with my sister and her husband while I was quietly freaking out. I still feel a little mad at myself like I should be able to snap out of it, but I I try and do all of my therapy approved methods to calm down.

I was freaking out because my 19 year old daughter who is 1,500 miles away was asked to be out of her apartment by the 1st. She hasn't packed nor has she found a place to live. Her landlord is texting me instead of talking to her. I have guilt that I can't support her more and am frustrated that she's not stepping up. I'm also so concerned that with her ADHD, that she's not ready to be on her own but I don't think living with us is a good idea, either. (Have you noticed that so many kids have some sort of diagnosis? I'm beginning to think none of our brains are 'normal.')

Through all of this I remembered that my husband sees porcupines in the house and thought he had to work this morning even though he hasn't worked in 8 months. I accept that his brain lies to him and it’s not his fault he feels this way even when I'm frustrated. Why can’t I give myself and my daughter the same grace?

Even without dementia, our brains 'lie' to us in one way or another. I feel I'm having a heart attack when I'm not. My daughter has difficulty with executive functioning, misjudges time and deadlines. Maybe I can accept that it's not our fault we feel this way. It doesn't mean we don't have to deal with it or it's okay to let others pay for our foibles but it might make me more patient and empathetic to our plights.

Ed1937

Corrie, I'm sorry. And I understand because I have a son with mental illness. He is currently living with me, but he wants his own place. The problem is that he is on disability, and has been since the year 2000. He can't afford his own place, but he wants to move, regardless. He won't shut up about it. He thinks he can make it on his own, but after paying rent, he'd have about $100 left for the month, and he smokes. And he eats. And he needs soap, etc. So I know it's difficult. You are not alone.

Mint

Corrie I am so very sorry you are dealing with all of this. I have a dear nephew with ADHD inattentive type (IADHD). Sounds like your daughter may have that type also. Know how concerning this can be for those who love and worry about them. You might want to look up adults diagnosed with ADHD as anxiety is frequently associated with it. Many people with the inattentive type are not diagnosed til they’re older, some way older, they’re grandparents. Many who get diagnosed when older become aware of it after someone younger in their family is diagnosed. There does seem to be a hereditary factor involved. My nephew was not diagnosed til he was 21 as due to lack of hyperactivity and a good family support system he fell through the cracks til older. When they start having to live on own and take on adult responsibilities this is when more problems can show up such as your DD is having trouble with. This is when we started seeing anxiety and panic attacks in my DN. Your DD actions are typical for someone with IADHD. Your daughter, just like your DH is doing what she is doing because things in the brain are not working as they should. She has no more control over certain things than your DH does. Some people with this problem work better with deadlines and under pressure so hopefully at last minute maybe she will get it done. Hope you find a way to give yourself and DD same grace as you so kindly give to DH. Understand why it is so hard with all the curves being thrown at you.

harshedbuzz

"Normal is a dryer setting."

I don't know if there are more kids with issues, or just more kids with issues being identified and, presumably, helped. That said, these sorts of alphabet soup conditions do tend to run in families, so you may be seeing more kids than in families where mom and dad are neurotypical themselves.

I grew up around quirky people, so my husband's anxiety wasn't off-putting compared to my mom's ASD/ADHD/Anxiety tribe or my dad's less charming collection of addicts, folks with bipolar disorder and the occasional psychopaths. It wasn't until I was in my mid-20s that I realized not all families have aunties who double check for locked doors several times each night or that there were families who could bury a grandparent without making the load and/or fighting.

It sounds like your daughter may be one of those people who has an ADHD+ presentation. I find myself surrounded by ADHD-- I was raised by a mom with combined type plus anxiety (LOL, @Sayra mom was 81 when she was officially diagnosed), my late sister had a hyperactive presentation, her daughter is primarily inattentive+ childhood trauma and struggles mightily with executive function and yet is very successful in a very demanding career position, DS is also inattentive but his is flavored by ASD and GAD so he seems more immature than anything else.

What you are describing is a classic feature of ADHD-- pathological avoidance disorder/behavior which has its roots in anxiety. This sounds like a little apple not falling far from the tree to my ear. Another common part of poor executive function is difficulty understanding time. I suspect she knows on some level that she has a week to right this ship, but it's just too big a project for her to break down into manageable bites, so she does nothing.

Did you cosign the lease? Because, if you did this could have legal ramifications for you. Is there someone-- a sibling, aunt, you-- who can go to her and teach her how to get herself out of this corner.

HB

CorrieG

I really appreciate your comments about a non- dementia issue. I did not co-sign as she is living with her best friend and her mother. She wasn’t diagnosed until she was 17 which made me feel really unprepared. She just started having panic attacks. I’m going to look up ‘inattentive ‘ adhd as I didn’t know about it and it sounds exactly right.

It’s difficult because I ask if she needs help and she never says yes. She always says she is doing well and feels fine. Meanwhile, she’s not showering, spends most of her time holed up in her dirty room, drawing on her iPad, and listening to music. I had to fly out there to get her to go to a doctor. She’s so amazing in many ways but like my DH’s condition, sometimes I’m just at a loss and there’s no easy fix.

She doesn't communicate with my DH at all and he doesn't need to notice or talk to her either. I talked to them both about it and neither is angry or having issues with the other- it just doesn't occur to either of them to talk to each other, I guess.

My sister just moved in with us and she was actually a care advocate for dementia sufferers as her job! We have a bit of sisterly tension that occurs whenever we're together but I know she's going to be an amazing resource. If I can get the time off work, I could go help my daughter if things don't improve.

harshedbuzz

@CorrieG

Parenting adult kids isn't for sissies. Is the bestie's mom the landlord? Are they splitting up for some reason?

That sounds more like an ADHD+ presentation. It sounds like there's some depression in the mix which means she may be internalizing the messaging about her dad's condition more than you realize.

HB