Preplanned divorce? Thoughts?

Planner_of_things

Would anyone divorce their spouse before a Alzheimer's diagnosis? I am the person at risk: My father, 6 of his 8 siblings, my half-sister (22 years my senior) all passed away due to Alzheimer's. I am 51 now and am definitely not as sharp as I was with mental math, remembering numbers I've always remembered like CC, license, bank info, or the past in general. Most still say, "You are so smart, purely because I work in tech, but I feel and see the decrease in mental capacity even if they do not."

I have built a nest egg, am 5 years from retirement, currently shopping long term care insurance, but here is the question again, "Would you divorce pre-emptively on good terms?"

My beautiful wife is beautiful and younger 48. Do I set her free and make sure she is taken care of? She is a professional too. Stay friends? Let her find love again before the impending doom? I know there is no guarantee I will get the disease and everyone likes to say, "I'll stay by your side", but I've seen what Alzheimer's does to a person and would rather not hurt my family in the future in that way. It is or can be just awful.

Selfish of me? maybe so? Has anyone done this?

Quilting brings calm

Believe it or not, most cases of dementia are not hereditary. I would not divorce her(yet) but I would do the following:

get that long term care insurance

get the legal paperwork in order - durable POA, medical POA, wills, trusts etc.

clearly communicate what your wishes would be for your care, and at what stage, - as in a facility so that she could be your wife and not a 24/7 caregiver. You can always put in writing that you want her to divorce you if you get this diagnosis.

Lastly…. Please remember this - life doesn’t go as we think it will. Your situation might be nothing like your family’s because you lived differently than they did ( more education, better health, etc) . We lost our 31 year old son unexpectedly this spring …. My 80+ year old parents are still doing strong when their ailments etc mean they should be gone by now. That certainly wasn’t what we thought would happen.

jfkoc

Long term care insurance...financial matters etc right now. Divorce? I would not rule it out but certainly not at this point.

toolbeltexpert

Planner I agree with quilting, hang in there plan good things live life.

Like you I plan for the worst which can cause me not to live life like I just talked about.

I sold our farm home of 30 years to pay for dw's care, that will cover 5 or 6 years maybe more. How Long will this go on, 13 yrs so far, I detected it very early because of some Alzheimers training I got, about 13yrs ago.

I lived those yrs very fully,maybe in denial? But it did get worse so I did plan. Get the legal things done and try not to be super sensitive to everything you can't remember.

You didn't mention if you've talked about this with your dw?

My dw and I had conversations about "what if" types of things,you know stroke, heart attack that type of things, they were emotional conversations but we never talked about the big D. One thing I say now is, it's one thing to talk about and another thing to implement. We talked about moving on with life, but now here I am sitting next to dw in a mcf, every day. I hate Alzheimers but I love my wife. Moving on is so hard to do!

Ed1937

Planner, welcome to the forum. Sorry you have a need for it, but it's a good one.

Even though there is a family history, have you seen a doctor to eliminate any possibility of a treatable condition? There are more than 50 conditions that when caught early, can reverse any symptoms. Even if this might not be the problem, it is certainly worth checking for. The last I heard is that only about 5% of dementias are familial.

You have some good advice about getting legal things in order, but I wouldn't consider divorce at this time.

M1

Planner, I can only look at this from the spouse's side. I am 15 years younger than my dear partner. We've been together 29 years next month. We've always talked about the age difference--it has figured very little in the dynamics of our relationship, and we have always figured I would outlive her. She started to have problems that I noticed ten years ago. I am heartbroken that I am losing her, but would I leave her? Would I have had her leave me? Would I have wished that we never started the relationship? No way, no way, no way.

Joe C.

Planner, I would agree with others that I would not preemptively divorce. Instead I would have a heart to heart conversation with your wife about your wishes for her should you develop dementia. Tell her you do not wish for her to be tied down being a 24/7 caregiver, that you want her to a complete & full life and find love again if that is in the cards. That being said, I had some very good years with my wife in the early and mid stages of Alzheimer’s. We traveled, remainder social activity and spent time with children & grandchildren while we could all enjoy our time together. I would not swap those years for anything shot of a reversal of her disease.

JoseyWales

I was 48, DH was 51 when someone finally said dementia, so I know the age you're coming at this from.

Talk with your wife. What does she want to do?

For me, I would never divorce my husband because of what "might" happen. Enjoy your days now. There's no sense in worrying about the possibilities of dementia. You can't change its course, so enjoy life. If it happens, you've enjoyed your time. If it doesn't happen, you enjoyed your time and have even more to continue enjoying.

Even knowing what I know now, I would not divorce my husband if I had it to do all over again. Yes, this disease is horrible and difficult, but he's my husband.

Pat6177

Planner, I also can only speak from the spouse’s perspective. I’m sitting here, asking myself what my reaction would have been if my DH (10 yrs my senior) had proposed divorce at any point in the process. He was diagnosed 3 yrs ago but of course had symptoms before. He’s in the moderate stage now. My (sanitized) gut reaction is that I would be hurt and angry if he even considered divorcing me. Granted, my DH is still kind and well mannered, he hasn’t had a personality change at this point. Maybe I’d feel differently if he had become aggressive and nasty. But even though we have not always had a perfect relationship, I love him. I want the best for him and I believe I’m the best caregiver for him. Even if I need to place him, I’m still the best person to supervise that care and would continue to be his wife. Your wife may not feel this way but the only way to know is to discuss it with her and make the decision together.

fayth

Planner, because of the family history you describe I am wondering if you are aware of the Dominantly Interited Alzheimer Network (DIAN) which is in St. Louis, MO. https://dian.wustl.edu/. Perhaps you are from a family with Dominantly Interested Alzheimer's? DIAN is doing cutting edge research, clinical trials, and studies. They also offer much support to persons with AD and their families. My husband's family has a dominantly inherited genetic mutation, although we learned of it fairly recently. Our family has received much help and support from this group and I want to make sure you know about it in case it is relevant to you and your family.