Hung out with my new friend depression for a day.

Just Bill

My wife's symptoms are escalating faster than my tiny brain can keep up with. I have also realized this is going to go on and on for a long , long time. It won't be over any time soon. Every morning I wrestle with keeping depression at bay. I use discipline, work, meditation, exercise, golf, and stoic thoughts to keep the feel good chemicals flowing through my brain. Sometimes a wrench gets thrown into my program and I can't go to work, and I am too tired to exercise or I just cannot muster the discipline to fight the depression. I give in to it. I stop fighting. I make friends with it for the day. I wallow in self pity, think negative thoughts, don't exercise, just basically mope hanging out with my new friend depression for the whole day. I let myself fully experience the emotion without resistance. Like a pendulum swinging the opposite direction and at the same height the next day I felt great with a whole new appreciation for life and the enthusiasm to get back in the fight. This is a cycle that I have experienced before. I think it is part of the adaptation process for dealing with extreme emotion. When my friend depression comes to visit me I don't panic any more. I realize it is part of the process and I enjoy the day off. The next day I can't wait to tell myself to get up, get off my ass and get back to work. Today is Sunday and I am still feeling the mania from Fridays depression. What a strange experience this is.

ghphotog

I hear you loud and clear! I take my DW golfing when I can but the carts are bumpy, it's hot for her and if I'm not swinging well then golf just adds more depression and frustration. :) Hard to focus on my game when I'm worried if she's too uncomfortable or has to pee. That's a difficult one. You can't just leave the hole your playing and go across the back 9 to the bathroom and expect to find your place again. I guess you can just skip a hole to get back to your friends but I hate doing that.

I think I've been depressed for a while, more so than not it seems. My DW will never leave me alone, even for a few minutes. She always demands my attention. She says things that make no sense whatsoever, only to her and I have to have an intelligent response. She's catching on to my "I don't know, hon." as my pat answer. Other times I say, "yes" or "no" and hope one of those was the response she was looking for.

I feel complacent and lazy most times now. Looking at so many doctor's appointments for her and my mom. It's depressing.

And as you said, this will go on for a long time to come. I thinking I'm becoming somewhat numb to the drama and that's a good thing I think but I'm tired.

toolbeltexpert

Just Bill,I am sorry things are escalating faster. It seems like one thing gets us out of wack, and it throws a wrench in the works. As a mechanic when a wrench drops into he Netherlands of an engine or oil pan its never good. Like you, I feel the pendulum swing, I just got back 2 days ago from a visit with family and did a good job of trying to enjoy myself and only 2 days later it's back to the same thing, will this go on forever?, how will I get thru this? Dw didn't acknowledge that I was gone for a week, maybe I shouldn't worry so much. I try not to feed my friend Mr depression when he comes and I hear Alan Jackson singing remember when!

Your right about extreme emotions. It feels like a years worth of grief in just a few hours every day.

jfkoc

I understand too. Hug sent......

dzweifel

For a couple of weeks I’ve not been able to describe my state of mind. Low energy, low motivations. A lot of wasted time doing nothing, watching TV, lost in Instagram. My DW has recently been diagnosed with early stage dementia. I’m reading and learning about it and beginning to alter my responses and reactions to issues that trigger me that she can’t help. I’ve never thought I would suffer from depression, but this seems to describe my current state of mind. Naming these feelings now gives me hope that I can work around and fight these feelings. If I can work around these feelings I’ll be a better helpmate for my DW…

Thank you for sharing and shining a light on this condition. Best of luck to you and all of you out there dealing with this difficult condition.

Ed1937

Those of you suffering from depression have my sympathy. I don't think I ever had depression, but I certainly had my bad days. Lack of motivation and feeling down have increased since my wife passed just over a year ago. Sometimes I think depression and grief are siblings, and hard to differentiate between the two. I have a son who is clinically depressed, and I know what it does to him.

SDianeL

Thank you for your post. When I was a teen I used to tell my Mom I was "bored" and she found stuff for me to do. I realize now I was depressed because that's how I'm feeling today. We went from full time RV travelers to full stop moving into a small apartment after DH's diagnosis 2 years ago. I said to myself "I'm bored" when what I was feeling was depression & sadness. I too allow myself to feel the sadness for awhile but not too long. I hear my Mom saying just put one foot in front of the other and do something constructive. So I do something like arrange the dresser drawers or the closet. Usually the next morning, I get up, make breakfast, we toast our coffee cups to one more day and I'm better emotionally. I know stepping back will not be possible in the future. Don't know what I will do then. 🙏

ImMaggieMae

Bill, you always seem to post the most timely things. My DH also seems to be progressing more quickly lately after things had been going relatively well for the past year or so. I’ve had a several very sad periods during my lifetime so far but I don’t think I’ve ever been truly depressed until these past couple of years. It’s a whole different thing than sadness. It’s the hopelessness I feel about my DH. I am by nature a fixer. I try to make things better. And I can’t fix dementia. I can sometimes make things better for a while keeping my husband’s medications on track and working with his doctors to adjust dosages and timing. But sometimes it just doesn’t work. I feel so bad for him. He reaches out to me with seems like fear in his eyes sometimes and all I can do is be there and try little things that increasingly don’t help. He was the one who was always conscientious about his health, going to the dentist or doctors appointments on a regular basis while I went when I got around to it. He walked or ran miles, exercised and kept in great shape. And now this.

I feel tired all the time. Complete lack of motivation to do anything but the absolutely necessary things like preparing or providing food, getting him showered, changing incontinence underwear. I used to always have something or other to look forward to, things to be hopeful for, even during sad times. Now i wake up halfway through the night feeling angry. Angry at this disease, angry at the lack of doctors and having to wait months for appointments, angry at the cost of a caregiver for a few hours per week to give us a break. Angry knowing that help will cost even more as his disease progresses and he doesn’t sleep well like he does now at night. Angry that all those years of putting aside money for our retirement will probably not cover everything in the end. Angry at friends and the few family members we have who have disappeared because they don’t know what to say. Angry at myself for not being able to pull things together. I guess this is what depression is.

TyroneSlothrop

Thanks to Bill and you other empathizers for posting and replying to this timely message. I am a lifelong optimist, who loves my work, but more and more I find ways to loaf and avoid it. My DW is rapidly changing her personality, picking fights, making absurd claims and judging strangers harshly, all out of character with her old self. Last week she even swatted her granddaughter.

Is there reliable medication for treating this kind of (justified) depression? I don’t usually think of it that way.

Sometimes overwhelmed

Just Bill,

I'm sorry about your situation and the depression.

I'm in year 4 of full-time caregiving, with DH currently in Stage 6. I have spells of crying most days.

This is a tough, ever-changing journey. Thankfully, I have found a wonderful caregiver that gives me a break for a few hours a couple of times a week.

Denise1847

Dear Just Bill,

I understand where you are. I cycle in and out of depression, anger etc. I fight to not think about sad stuff, but it creeps in. For the last month, I just feel my mind is tired. I am not as sharp and then I worry I am getting the big D. For me, the monotony of doing the same thing every day and knowing that is could go on for a long time can be unbearable. I suffer from chronic back pain every day. Today, I had a wonderful opportunity to go our with friends and my DH for the day on a large boat. There were lots of distractions and remarkably had no pain until I came home. I have had chest pain, rapid heart rate, shortness of breath and yet cardiac testing was negative. So it appears that I am having anxiety symptoms and pain because of my inability to cope.

My point is telling you this is that for you to know you are not alone, that your feelings and experiences are normal given the horrible situation we are in. I don't know how caregivers have lived through so many years of this hell, I am pretty sure I will not last that long.

I wish I could suggest something to help you. Just keep fighting for your mental and physical health. We are in a battle.

M1

Just Bill, even if it's a new friend, your post reminds me of the old song: "Hello darkness, my old friend."

Whether to take medication or not is a complex issue. I'm generally a believer--though right now I'm avoiding it, myself, trying to compensate with exercise (shown in studies to be equally effective to some doses of SSRI's like Prozac) and light therapy. But here's the deal: Just like there's so much about dementia that we don't know, there's equally much about depression that we don't know. I firmly believe there's an overlap between stress and depression, and the setpoint of that overlap is different for everyone (likely genetic). But I find that a helpful analogy is that it's like being overdrawn at the bank: if you've got a good balance, you don't think twice when you get that $12 electric bill in the mail and you just pay it. But if you're overdrawn because you wrecked your car, your house burned down, and you were in the hospital with $10,000 worth of bills to pay, that same $12 electric bill can feel like the end of the world. Chronic stress does similar things to the neurotransmitters in our brain, and what antidepressants appear to do is to help us recoup those internal resources to be able to cope with the stressors better. I find that a helpful way to think about it. So: taking medication for depression is NOT moral failure of some sort. We don't feel guilty about taking an antibiotic for pneumonia, why should we struggle or feel guilty about taking an antidepressant?

Sermon over.

Just Bill

Thank you all for your positive comments. People help people, writing for me is very therapeutic. Thank you all for reading and commenting. The saying "it takes a village..." has a a whole new meaning in my life now. I bring my wife golfing with me 2 days a week. The guys I golf with are great. They know our situation and make her feel welcome. She gets a little fidgety some times and leaves the cart to wander. Someone will say "we have a runner" and I'll herd her back into our cart. It really touched me when the guys started herding her back to the cart without even saying anything. Just did it. I really appreciated that act of kindness. Same at work. Everyone knows and treats her with kid gloves. I keep her in my office with coloring books and some computer games. When she gets bored or fidgety and starts to wander people herd her back to the office very politely. The acts of kindness I witness with the people I am around towards her have really touched my heart and give me a warm fuzzy. Just another tool in my depression abatement tool box.

Elshack

I have found a low dose of an antidepressant has helped me immensely. I wonder if anxiety is the flip side of depression but all I can attest to is I feel as if I can face each day. I had been taking care of DH for the past 4 yrs after his brain surgery for subdural hematomas ( brain bleeds ) put him in the category 6 D after he had been MCI for a couple of years prior. I had to put him in memory care last Aug after he broke his ankle and also his bathroom problems became way too severe for me to take care of. I visit him for an hr or so each day and even though it is very $$$ I think I have enough funds for 2 yrs. He is 93 and I am 83.

Starting an antidepressant a few years ago really took the edge off of my constant anxiety and depression. It doesn't make me feel like a blob either. This is just a suggestion and I know one would discuss it with his ( her ) own Dr and ask his ( her ) opinion.

Jeff86

Great thread, Bill, and thanks for it. Reminds me of the Billie Holliday lyric. Good morning heartache…sit down.

I experience this ambiguous loss with profound sadness—daily, though perhaps with varying intensity—but not with anything I’d label clinical depression. Was prescribed duloxetene (generic Cymbalta) nor for its primary use in depression but for chronic nerve pain. Helped some with the nerve pain but as for my mood—nada. No change. Confirmed for me that grief and sadness for me are ever-present but they’re not quite the same as depression. Depression can be ameliorated chemically. Grief? Not so much.

M1

very good point Jeff. agree entirely--you can't medicate grief.

loveskitties

For those who are concerned about taking medication for depression you might want to read this:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/urban-survival/201912/type-chocolate-may-help-prevent-depression

Beachfan

Ditto, M1. Thankfully, I’ve never experienced depression, but during DH’s illness and now that he’s passed, I am slammed with occasional bouts of crushing grief. Sometimes it’s an actual physical ache of missing him, sometimes it’s just a fleeting picture or memory that evokes a quiet cry. Thankfully, also, these moments pass without incident and life resumes.

“We get no choice, if we love, we grieve.” Thomas Lynch

Just Bill

When I say I am depressed, I mean I am feeling the symptoms of depression. I have not been diagnosed with clinical depression. I just read a lot. Despair, grief, lack of motivation, anger, guilt, hopelessness etc. Wad all those emotions into a ball and toss it in the depression bin and that would be the depression I am describing. What heals that depression for me is discipline, exercise, breathing exercises, meditation, feelings of accomplishment for completion of tasks, working, golfing, writing, catching up on sleep, etc. Most importantly living in the moment. Any thoughts of the future are too bleak to visualize. I know I have a 3 step plan as her disease progresses beyond my ability to be useful; 1) Take care of her at home as long as I can. 2) Daycare. 3) Living at a care facility. All bad juju to think about for too long. I don't want to offend any one who is actually clinically depressed. Again, thank you all for your comments.

Beachfan

Sounds like a plan, Bill. You can do it. One day at a time. Best wishes, stay strong.

M1

All worth discussing, Bill, because clinical depression is grossly and vastly underdiagnosed.

maryajoh

My AH just got official diagnosis two weeks ago of mixed dementia and moderate ALzheimer. i suspected it but depressed and cry alot. Trying to take it one day at a time as best I can. I feel alone and isolated eventhough I have great family. Still debating on starting Aricept because mixed review and I dont know if At this point I candeal with any side effects. This site I hope can help me realize I am not alone in my thoughts

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/182238#Comment_182238

maryajoah: welcome. So sorry about the diagnosis. It's terrifying & heartbreaking. You came to the right place. Things that helped me: Get the book "The 36 Hour Day" which was recommended by a nurse. Meet with an Elder Care or Estate Attorney and get a DPOA right away. Learn all you can. The Neurologist put my husband on Memantine. I haven't really seen any difference. I think it has fewer side effects than Aricept but it depends on the type of memory loss. My DH, 78, was diagnosed 2 years ago and has Alzheimer's-Posterior Cortical Atrophy I just found out this week the type. The Neurologist said "Dementia Probably Vascular" at first. I would repost your own new post as soon as you learn more and you will get more replies. Please keep in touch.

maryajoh

Thank you. My DH has same type of vascular dementia mixed with Alzheimer’s. All new to this how do I repost and to where? Thank you for just responding

toolbeltexpert

Maryajoh you should see a yellow ball with a + symbol in it.cluck it add your topic ir question and away you go.