GETTING LOST WHEN DRIVING

jbaity926

My husband still drives. He drives around town, frequenting the same places. He does well with the driving process. He has been "lost" twice (ventured out of town). I have a tracker in his truck and knew where he was at all times. Both times, I directed 911 operators in whatever county he was in as to where he was until the authorities "pulled him over". Then I went to get him.

I am now wary of letting him drive. Do I need to take his license (or let the DMV do that - he's up for renewal)? I'm now "scared" to leave home for any personal outing - even church and grocery shopping - thinking he may leave town while I'm gone.

Can you make a suggestion on what to do?

Ed1937

As long as he has to be renewed, I'd make a note to give to the examiner at the license branch, explaining the problem of dementia and getting lost. Ask that they do not renew his license. But in the meantime, you have to be very careful about him driving. There is no room for error. Please go with him to make sure he isn't making mistakes when driving. The keys have to be taken away from him, but having that done by the BMV will keep you off the hook for it. If necessary, you'll have to take them away, which is a hard thing to do.

Others might tell you to take the keys now, but in my opinion if he's driving with no problem, let the BMV be the bad guy.

M1

I don't disagree with Ed on much, but I do here. I personally would take the keys. You are at risk, if he's in an accident, could he accurately report what happened? Could he remember enough to give a deposition or to testify? if not, he's not safe to be on the road. You could be sued for everything you own.

This is like so many other things with dementia--if you are asking the question, you already know the answer.

jfkoc

I agree and will add that reflexes and the ability to make instant decisions are seriously impacted by dementia.

jbaity926

Thanks for your replies. :)

SDianeL

After my husband completed the 3 hour cognitive test, the Neuro Psychologist said he should no longer be driving. He's wasn't getting lost. She said he had severe visuospatial difficulties and can't tell space, speed or distance. I had noticed he was driving very slowly and had before been a speeder. She said that if he were in an accident even if it wasn't his fault with a diagnosis in his chart of cognitive issues we could be sued and lose everything. She said she would not notify the DMV but that I should take his keys away immediately. He was resistant but I told him the doctor said so and told him we could lose everything. So he gave me they keys and hasn't driven since. Hope that helps.

JDancer

Please, please, please stop your husband from driving. He could easily strike a bicyclist, pedestrian, etc. and not even know it. Driving is a privilege and huge responsibility. Please do whatever you must to keep everyone safe.

Thank you.

upstateAnn

My Dad continued to drive until he took out three cars in a parking lot. Luckily, just the cars were damaged. I am so fortunate my husband voluntarily stopped driving a year ago because it “did nor feel right:” Getting lost is the least of potential problems. Dementia affects visual perception, and I had noticed my DH veering in lanes. I am so lucky he took this step himself. . Get your husband off the road. Be strong.

ButterflyWings

If he is getting lost, he is not reliable to remember what signs mean, which pedal to push, and how to react properly when another driver or pedestrian makes an unexpected maneuver. Please, please listen to the members who are urging you not to be in denial about the severity of his disease and the risk.

I am one who drove with my DH to see for myself soon after diagnosis, and was not impressed. He was not obviously a menace, but clearly could have had an accident and in fact there were a number of dents and scrapes on the car that had been attributed to our son. There were a few red light traffic tickets and also I got additional information that dementia is not just about forgetfulness, and that he would not ever quit voluntarily. So, since it was up to me (it is up to you) -- it seemed wise to quit before someone got killed, not after.

This is just an accident waiting to happen. You may need to hide the keys when he is asleep, and disappear the car. I had to take that route as my DH had no intention of stopping driving -- ever. When I told him the Dr. said, his response was "well, I guess I need a new Dr.".

Just do it.

Here are some articles on the topic. Many with dementia still drive, concerning caregivers (usatoday.com)

Many seniors continue to drive after thinking declines - UPI.com

Gig Harbor

My husband was driving one day on very familiar roads and I realized he had no idea where he was. His driving skills seemed fine but he really never drove again. I said that once he didn’t realize where he was it was too dangerous for him to drive. He was not happy but he did agree not to drive. One question to ask yourself is would you consider letting him drive grandchildren around. If the answer is no then you have your answer. A year later he got lost while walking a route he had walked almost every day for 10 years. That was the last time he ever went for a walk alone. Alzheimer’s truly is a horrible disease.

ButterflyWings

jbaity- I am circling back since my post may have sounded so harsh. If so, I apologize. We are here to support each other, including sharing our honest opinionsand experiences rather than sugarcoating this horrible disease.

The driving thing is one that many feel very strongly about because it is so unnecessarily risky, and puts other innocent people at risk of serious injury or worse. As soon as I understood that, it was just a matter of figuring out how to get the keys and car out of sight out of mind and I went all in for a few weeks until that was done. So, we aren't judging at all, and have done exactly what we are urging you to do. I know it can be hard. But you should not feel bad, mean, or otherwise for ensuring his safety -- and that of others. This is our job.

In trying to think if I'd ever condone a PWD driving, say assuming they are early stages (which is always somewhat of a guessing game) I keep coming up with no. Maybe, only if you are going to accompany him every single time he is behind the wheel, and watch him. But that still would not have helped my DH in MCI when he already was having spacial, time, and speed judgement issues. I wouldn't have been able to hit the brake, or wrestle the wheel from him if needed. When I rode with him to observe, I did learn a lot though.

And I realized his peripheral vision was being impacted because he kept referring to people almost "jumping out in front of him" at intersections. He couldn't see them in the crosswalk until they were pretty much right in front of the car. And this was in broad daylight. After dusk, forget it. I'm so grateful he did not bump a walker or jogger at a stop sign or worse. Curbs? He was always hitting them and I did not know that was a sign that his driving was becoming impaired. Yet operating tons of heavy metal that moves at high speeds.

You would not want him hurt (or others) and as our forum mates have said, the financial cost, legal implications and mental anguish if an accident occurs -- not worth it. Good luck to you. I had to take the sneaky approach, and that is valid too. Please just do what you have to do now that he is getting lost. Its time.

jbaity926

Thanks for your replies. All are very insightful and confirm my thoughts that it's "time". I appreciate your compassionate honesty and advice. I will begin taking the next steps to ending Bob's driving. God bless.

mommafour

MY DH has been a tough one to deal with over the driving issues. He started getting lost early on in his Alzheimer's journey. His driving skills weren't bad, but getting lost was the first indication that he needed to stop driving. 2 doctors insisted he stop. Several family members insisted he stop. He refused. Finally, last year, my son helped to make his car appear to have a problem, then told him it was something that could not be repaired. So we sold the car. I keep the keys to my car hidden and he doesn't ask to drive it. He hasn't driven since his car was sold, but that hasn't stopped his pleading with me to help him buy a new car. Several times per day he insists he's buying a car, wants to go to the bank to take out the money for a car, gets very angry when I attempt to redirect him. Logic and reasoning hasn't worked. So I've been "pretending" to go along with his plan but putting it off to the next week (he forgets each week that I had put it off the week before). Unfortunately, our state does not require doctors to report a patient with a dementia diagnosis to the BMV. My daughter who lives in another state sent in a report last week and now I am waiting for the roof to explode off the house when he receives the notice from the BMV. The BMV will not let him know who reported him. I was planning to do it myself but worried the BMV would send a confirmation to me at our address. He gets the mail each day. I'm happy my daughter did it for me, and he will never know it was her. Hopefully this ends this saga for me and DH. jbaity926, good luck to you. I hope you have an easier time convincing your DH to stop driving. I think my DH was just tougher on this issue than most people.

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cavenson

The driving issue weighs on my mind. DH was diagnosed with MCI 5 years ago. At the time, we were planning a month-long cross-country road trip in an antique car that my DH would be driving. I asked the doctor if we needed to cancel this, and he said that as long as I was with him, there shouldn't be any problems--and there weren't. My DH has continued to drive, and there have been no tickets or accidents--well, one accident, but the other person got the ticket. The MCI diagnosis was changed to ES about 1 1/2 years ago. In the past six months, I have noticed that his driving has become a little jerkier, and I'm feeling less confident about his driving. Driving has been curtailed--only drives during daylight hours to familiar places near our home. I am gradually doing more of the driving, and he says he will quit if I decide he can no longer drive safely. Since he's a car person, I know it will adversely affect the quality of his life if he can no longer drive at all. I feel like I'm in driving limbo. When and how do I make the transition from limited driving to no driving to ensure his and others' safety? I think a lot of us are faced with this dilemma.

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toolbeltexpert

Well I was just looking for a newer car and was at a place that had the car I wanted ,it had been in an accident, they told me the man who wrecked it had Alzheimers and had hit 6 cars. I would do what you have to do.

JC5

DH is driving less and less and seems to be accepting the fact that “I want to drive”. He never drives the grandchildren and I am becoming more uncomfortable with his driving while I’m in the car, he is now forgetting how to get our children’s homes and I just don’t know how to approach him about not driving although we have discussed that possibility he doesn’t remember the discussion! So I totally feel for you .

eaglemom

I certainly don't mean to sound harsh, but he isn't doing fine while driving if he's been lost. Knowing where you are at is part of driving. You know the answer to this question, you just don't want to hear (read) it. I get it, we all get it. But now is the time for you to stop him from hurting himself or someone else.

You know your DH better than anyone. You have to simply say "I feel like driving" whenever both of you are going somewhere. Make it very casual. If he mentions he's going to drive somewhere just say "why don't I take you?" When he objects, that's when you tell him your afraid. Your afraid he'll be lost or hurt. He may or may not accept that - but you've said it outload to him. Your new role is to protect him, and letting him drive, no matter how short of a drive, isn't doing that.

Some men accept it & some don't. My DH walked in the house, handed me the keys and said "help me, something is very wrong." And he hasn't asked to drive again. That was 11 years ago.

eagle

Sometimes overwhelmed

jbaity926, I'm sorry that you're dealing with the driving issue. My husband was diagnosed with dementia in 2019, and one of the reasons he saw the neurologist was because of his occasionally not remembering his way, not always staying in his lane, etc.

The neurologist told him she was concerned about his diminished reflexes, and that she would recommend that he not drive. He was naturally upset. She referred him to another neurology professional, who told him that he could take a driving test, to see if he could continue to drive safely. He refused the test. I called the Azheimer's organization for advice. They said that the keys should be taken away, and that his car should be removed as soon as possible.

Here's what Mayo Clinic recommends: When to stop driving: https://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/discussion/alzheimers-and-dementia-when-to-stop-driving/

"People with mild dementia are at a much greater risk of unsafe driving compared with people of the same age without dementia. The American Academy of Neurology recommends that people with mild dementia strongly consider discontinuing driving..."

"Some people with dementia may decide they no longer want to drive because they are concerned about safety. Others may be reluctant to stop driving, and they may not be aware of a decline in their driving skills."

..."Signs of unsafe driving include:

• Getting lost when driving to familiar places
• Not staying in the lane
• Confusing the brake and gas pedals
• Failing to observe traffic signs
• Making slow or poor decisions
• Hitting the curb while driving
• Driving too slowly or speeding
• Becoming angry or confused while driving
• Getting into an accident or getting tickets"

"If the individual with mild dementia has not shown signs of unsafe driving and would like to continue to drive, your physician may recommend a roadside driving evaluation by a professional such as an occupational therapist..."

This was a difficult time for us both, and a big change for both of us too.

Howaboutnow

I found, the loss of license (Neuro suggested private driving test for DH. He failed) was less profound for DH than for me. For me, it meant an end of an era. It meant complete dependence on me. Very hard dose of reality.

For DH,,,he felt the loss in the moment and now and then after the loss. But it came up less and less. And now never comes up.

The immense relief knowing no one was in danger or threatened by his driving was worth accepting the reality of the new loss.

I agree with others, “getting lost” is the least of the problems. Quick, proper, safe reactions are compromised if not extinct. Those skills are not something one would typically see on a drive together. You’ll know those skills aren’t’ intact when it is too late.

You’ll appreciate the peace of mind when you’ve eliminated the risk to others and to your financial stability (lawsuits).

SDianeL

I'd like to repeat something the Neuro Psychologist told me when she recommended my DH not drive anymore. She said that once it's put into his medical records that he has memory loss, and he's in an accident, even if it's not his fault, we could be sued and lose everything. I used that to get my DH to stop driving. He reluctantly agreed and is still pouting after a year but it was the best decision. It's not just getting lost that is the problem. It's not being able to judge distance, speed or space. He could hit other cars or hit a pedestrian. The only thing I noticed was that my DH was driving too slow for the flow of traffic. Get the doctor to recommend it.

ionamonk

The loss of mobility is difficult for an aging person in general, and all the more so for a person with AD. My DW now limits her driving to a handful of destinations close to home and easy to get to. I am able to track her if she gets lost. Her driving is still fine, but she can't handle more than 3 turns without getting confused. Thankfully she has self-limited so far. I dread her losing that mobility but also want to protect her and others. After reading these comments, I think I will ask the doctor at her next appointment. If the doctor recommends she stop driving, I think she will. Sigh! I hate this disease!

upstateAnn

Do not wait. As others have mentioned, would you strap your three year old grandchild in a car and let her drive away? There are a lot of grandchildren in other cars she might hurt. I know it is hard.Please end her driving now.

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Chammer

MIL w AD who passed away in 2016 was diagnosed after she was backing out of her driveway, backed into a visitors car parked behind her, pulled forward, backed into it again, pulled forward, backed into it again, pulled forward, backed into it again, until the family came running and yelling out of the house! She had previously gotten lost a couple of times while driving to visit a family member out of town and had to be "rescued." She had other signs and symptoms that had been dismissed but it was the driveway incident that pushed FIL into admitting something was really wrong and getting it evaluated. She didn't drive after the driveway incident.

GiGi1963

I realized I was my DH GPS which allowed him to pretend he could drive okay. If I forgot to give a direction he would stop in middle of the road. He also got lost for 3 hours when he went a bock away from our home. He gave up driving when I convinced him we could lose everything or he could kill a young family. He still thinks he's a great driver but knows he isn't able to do it. Still points out a car he would like to buy. So sad in many ways especially for men.

Ed1937

"When and how do I make the transition from limited driving to no driving to ensure his and others' safety?" If he is on a limited driving schedule, it's almost for certain that the limited driving should have been avoided, and the "no driving" should have been invoked. I think "limited driving" is just a myth, and something for us to allow unsafe driving. That could get you in legal hot water quickly.

harshedbuzz

@ionamonk said: The loss of mobility is difficult for an aging person in general, and all the more so for a person with AD. 

I disagree. Both of my parents have had to stop driving. Dad because of dementia and mom because of the death of an optic nerve that impacted her death perception. At the time, they were living in a 55+ community that I chose for them because it is very walkable. Less than a mile to the clubhouse with gym, pools, library, clubs and activities and a mere 1/4 mile to a large shopping district with grocery store, banks, pharmacy, banks, liquor and beer stores, hair and nail salons, bagel shops, restaurants- Italian, Steakhouse and Japanese, a men's clothier, and 2 nice shops for women.

While dad struggled with the loss as being representative of his autonomy and manhood in the context of losing control of most aspects of his life, not driving didn't make his world any smaller. He wouldn't have chosen to go anywhere but dinner out or the liquor store. Previously, he'd been a real motorhead. The very last conversation I had with him before he died was about which car he wanted me to bring to the MCF "in case I need to go somewhere". I promised him the red Ford and said I'd leave it in the employee parking lot. He liked that.

For my mom, it has been devastating. Much worse than for dad. Driving was never her thing. She only learned to drive in her thirties to start teaching and would generally let anyone else do the driving. She'd spent years as a caregiver making a list of all of the things she would do and places she would go when the burden of caregiving was lifted. Not that she was planning anything crazy-- a trip to the bigger mall or the outlets, visiting her great grandson, prowling thrift shops, meeting friends for lunch, driving to exercise classes when it's too cold to walk. That didn't happen because she can't drive now. She could use Uber, but it chafes to pay for transportation so she doesn't. Instead, she relies on me to take her to her many appointments (3 maybe 4 this week and she'll be angling to get her hair done) and keep her entertained which means my life in stage 8 isn't exactly as I'd envisioned it.

For @jbaity926 and others wrestling with this-- one point to consider is the progressive nature of dementia. My mom had an accident not long after she blew out her optic nerve-- FTR I asked the neuro-ophthalmologist if she was OK to drive and he said sure. She does not have dementia. She said the brakes failed and she plowed into a big SUV at a light which hit the minivan ahead of it. No one was hurt, but she totaled 3 vehicles that evening. Not even 60 days later, she had a similar accident. Both accidents were on the state road that connect her town and mine-- she was never more than 3.5 miles from where she lives now or my house which I bought from her 25 years ago which is to say very familiar roads.

The lady she hit in the second accident sued her. She didn't appear to be catastrophically injured, but whose to say. She was a fitness instructor. Did she have to miss work? Did she have lingering pain with some activities? About 4 months after the accident mom got notice that she was being sued. Because mom has no record of dementia, the insurance company stepped in and handled everything. But she still had to give a deposition some 9 months after the accident with a trial date set for almost 18 months later-- so almost 2 1/2 years after the accident due, in part, to COVID. It normally would have been a year. Had it been my dad? I don't think he could have given a rational deposition 9 months after something happened-- he couldn't reliably say what he'd had for lunch. Going through the lawsuit was hard for me as a by-stander and my mom felt just terrible about all of it.

HB