When is the right time?

raebuck

My husband has early onset alzheimers - he's currently 63 and was diagnosed three years ago. He has been declining rapidly, and we have entered a phase where some hygiene issues have become untenable. I have researched and toured several memory care facilities, and submitted a deposit for one of them. My grown children don't want their father to leave our home - neither do I, but there comes a time. Although I am doing the heavy lifting on the caregiving, the kids seem to want to eke it out until the bitter end.

When is the right time to move your loved one to a care facility, or is there never a right time, and you just keep moving forward with inhome personal care? Who ever thought we would be in this position?

ButterflyWings

raebuck, if you are the primary caregiver, the right time is when you feel that it is time. Congratulations to you for taking the steps you have taken. It sounds like you feel it is time for placement, to provide both you and DH with the best quality of life. You both matter.

As much as we love our adult children, if they are not there 24/7, they don't get a vote when it comes to making a decision on how you spend your time and the rest of your life.

It sounds like it is time -- it is important that you be just his wife again and let someone else take on the multiple personal care roles and round-the-clock shifts that it sounds like you have been holding down. How would they cope if you were to become overwhelmed by all that you are handling? Not to wish anything like that on you, but caregiving is super-hard, super stressful, and takes 1/3 of caregivers out before their PWD LOs. Sobering.

It may be that they are desperately wishing to keep things the same, as they see their DD declining, but that is denial. You didn't cause his disease and cannot cure it. Keeping him at home will not change his decline, as you know.

One thing I have read many times on these boards is, that if you are asking, it is likely past time. And you have made such good progress, I wish you all the best as you continue to put plans in place in your own timeline. Because you are the best judge of when to make the move.

Ed1937

I always felt like the right time is when life at home is not safe for the PWD or for the caregiver. There are many things that can make things unsafe, and one of those things is simply stress that could cause a heart attack, stroke, or other health problems for the caregiver. For the PWD, their lack of good judgement or inability can get them in all kinds of unsafe conditions. When the caregiver can no longer provide a safe environment for both of them, it might be time to consider placement. But the caregiver is always the one to call the shots, not their children or friends.

Quilting brings calm

its not just about his safety and medical needs, it’s about yours too. You don’t mention his emotional state, but several people here have had to move their loved one for their own physical safety. Others for their own emotional, mental and physical well being. Many people have neglected their own health being 24/7 caregivers. Hygiene issues are often the deciding factor- especially if the loved one has begun using other areas of the house instead of the toilet for that need.

There have been some other posters lately in the same situation you are- you know it’s time, but the kids don’t. They aren’t the primary caregivers, and aren’t making moves to be the primary caregivers … so proceed with your plans. Accept that the kids may pout and be resentful for a whole bit will eventually come to realize it was best for both of you. Especially once they realize you are still his advocate and are involved in making sure he’s getting good care… while being more available to them than you have been.

terei

You are right …Your children are not doing the heavy lifting. If you are asking their opinions….stop. Move forward + do what is right for you.

raebuck

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful responses. Sometimes it helps to hear what you already know is true! Appreciate your time.

toolbeltexpert

Raebuck I can't add to what's already been said so much wisdom. I did place, it was time. Please think of you as well!

Elshack

Raebuck, I am glad that you are making the move for your DH to go to memory care. The hygiene issues are often the deal breaker for many that thought they could continue with home care. I know for myself my own well being would have greatly suffered if I had continued to take care of my husband. He has been in memory care for almost a year. They change his Depends every 2 hrs and take him to the bathroom several times a day. He still had accidents but I am glad I don't have to clean him up. I know if I had kept him at home, I would probably have ended up in the hospital due to stress etc. You have the final say...not the kids. Noone else besides a 24/ 7 caretaker can understand what we go through. I hope you feel at peace with your decision to place your DH.

Dio

All posts above echo my thoughts. I'd like to suggest that, if you haven't already done so, keep a journal of events that led you to arrive at the decision of placing your LO. It will help down the road when guilt starts gnawing at you. You need not justify your decision to anyone but yourself.

JC5

Such great advice as always !