Patient thinks granddaughter who lives in household is stealing her posessions

u75uk4

Granddaughter who lives in household triggers paranoia. Wife thinks she stealing clothes and jewelry. Does it make sense to remove the granddaughter from the household?

Iris L.

If you post in the Caregiver section, you will receive pertinent responses.

Iris

Jo C.

Hello and welcome; this Post is a bit long, apologies are extended. I am sorry you are facing such a difficult challenge. Rigid false beliefs are "delusions," and paranoia blaming of others and especially one single person is not unusual. I too have experienced that dynamic. The lesson I had to learn was to never argue about such a belief which makes things worse; but to use a therapeutic fib as a kindness to settle things down. The one doing the blaming is truly upset and that false belief is as true to her as the chair you are sitting on.

If your granddaughter is removed from the home, the likelihood is that your wife will begin to blame someone else for the same things; perhaps even you. This happened with my mother and sadly I was the one that was blamed for all sorts of "missing" and "stolen" things that were not missing at all; it was all delusional thinking. NOTE: If the problem is consistent, one can discuss it with the Loved One's (LOs) dementia physician; there is medication that can be helpful with such a problem.

One can, in the moment, quickly address the feelings behind the inaccurate blaming words rather than the words themselves. AND, it is okay if you are not accurate but telling a bit of a fib to get things settled. If there is an actual item or garment she says is missing but you can locate it, the following may help:

Example: "I understand how upset you are feeling because you cannot ( or could not) find your (purse, or sweater, or blouse, or nightgown, etc.); I am SO sorry. This is my fault - I was straightening things up and accidentally moved the (purse, blouse, nightgown -whatever); and accidentally put it somewhere else. I am very sorry for causing you to feel upset and angry and I will do better." THEN: immediately refocus her onto something else - such as a small chore or another activity: or, "Let's go get some coffee and a cookie in the kitchen ," or: "Hey, look at that bird outside; it is acting funny," Or . . . "Did you hear about . . . (bring up a subject such as a person having a baby, or someone doing something new or different); just get her on another topic and away from the theft fixation.

if the item never existed or if it is jewelry she feels is missing one can make a different therapeutic fib: The necklace is in the safe deposit box at the bank to keep it safe; the jacket, or sweater is at the dry cleaners; or the nightgown needed mending or washing, etc. and it is out at the machine or being mended by someone. You can probably find different fiblets to help in the moment and then do that refocusing.

Do not try to argue or point out how wrong she is; that will only cause her to dig her heels in even harder and stick to her false beliefs. Try not to pit your granddaughter against her by arguing, it must be frustrating and hurtful for your granddaughter to be blamed of such things. Hopefully she understands it is the damage to the brain that is speaking.

The Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 hour Helpline 365 days a year; it can be reached at (800) 272-3900. If you call, ask to be transferred to a, "Care Consultant." There are no fees for this service. Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics. They are good support, excellent listeners if we need to vent, have much information and can often assist with our problem solving. Worth making a call and one can call as often as they wish or need to.

One thing that often happens, is that our Loved One can develop a "silent" urinary tract infection. It is called "silent" because there will be no symptoms of pain or burning, but there is often a significant change in behavior to the negative side of the ledger. It is best to have the urine checked and insist that the doctor order a culture as some infections are sneaky and will hide unless a culture is done. Once the UTI is treated, behavior usually calms down.

And as said before; if this is a persistent problem affecting the quality of life, the physician that treats her dementia can prescribe medication that can be helpful.

Let us know how you are doing; we will be thinking of you and so hope that things improve.

NOTE: I would also suggest that you place your Post on the Spousal/Partner Forum; that is a very busy Forum with many people responding and you will get much more input.

Best wishes being sent your and your granddaughter's way,

J.