Frustrated spouse

Kait

My mother had recently moved in with my husband and I, after being told that she can no longer live alone. My husband has been very supportive
and for the most part, we've been a great team. But whenever she tries to help out around the house, and does something "incorrectly", he get frustrated and tells her to stop. I'm concerned because the last thing I want to do is discourage her from participating in daily life. I could really use some advice on how to discuss this with him, and how to keep her engaged in ways that may be less frustrating to him.

harshedbuzz

Kait-

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

You didn't flesh out your profile or elaborate on what "incorrectly" means, so it's kind of hard to make specific recommendations around this.

It's very generous of you to open your home to your mom, but 24/7 togetherness with a MIL is going to be a challenge even for the saintliest among us. My friend had her mom at home in the middle and later stages of dementia and I often swear it went as well as it did because her husband was working overseas/across the country 3 weeks each month with an occasional bonus weekend stop at home. When he was home, he was working in his office and they always had an aide on Saturdays to do things together without mom.

Are her attempts at helping something that creates more work for him or takes your attention away from having time with him? I mean something like putting away dirt dishes which means reloading and running the dishwasher multiple times? Or is it more benign like folding socks differently than he likes? If it's something that creates work for others, perhaps you should redirect her to tasks you oversee like meal prep or something that doesn't impact him like folding towels of laying the table for meals.

If you're both retired, maybe a day program for mom to allow her some activity and him some respite from her disruptions would be best. She's get a chance to engage with others and would likely come home too tired to create messes. It might also be useful to give the pair of you some one-on-one time away from mom on a regular basis if you aren't doing this already.

HB

If your DH doesn't "get" dementia, this is helpful.

Smashwords – Understanding the Dementia Experience - A book by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller - page 1