Hard times

Neelloc

It has been 6 months since my parents had to be placed in memory care. Instead of things getting better, they're getting worse. All the therapeutic fibs in the world won't change how they feel and their confusion and anger. It keeps me awake at night not knowing how to handle it.

They've convinced themselves that they put themselves in Memory Care. The truth is their doctors and social workers at the hospital would not release them unless they had 24-hour secured care.

I haven't been able to take them out to do fun things like go out to lunch because they want me to drive them past their house. Which I had to sell. They offer to pay for gas.

I tried to tell them that once the doctor says Dad's heart is better they'll be able to go home. Maybe in a couple of weeks or a couple of months. Nothing helps.

The phone calls at night when they're sundowning, demanding me to take them home, are breaking my heart. They think they can take care of themselves at home. Nobody is doing anything for them where they're at.

I fear I will never be able to calm them down over this. I worry about them constantly, but I dread talking to them or visiting because of all of this, yet I still see them three times a week which helps them and me. I am honored to be responsible for their care.

Their nurse practitioner came to check on them yesterday. She told me there were treatments for Alzheimer's that we could try to get back some cognitivity but they don't work for very long, and when the meds stop working the person slides downhill very fast! I didn't want to do that.

M1

Hi neeloc. This may sound harsh, but if they are truly in MC, perhaps it's time to lose the phone? If it is primarily being used to drive you to distraction, i would consider it. Either that, or just turn your ringer off .

Neelloc

I do sometimes.

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harshedbuzz

I am sorry you've reached this stage. I agree with the others.

It may be time to let the phone disappear either by canceling the plan, letting the battery die, slip it into airplane mode or sneaking it out of the room. They can reach out to other family members/friends on your phone when you visit. Staff can call you if there's a need.

I would talk to the NP about something to treat the sundowning anxiety and help them settle in. Did you ask about what medication the NP was suggesting? There are oral medications that are meant to improve function and behavior in dementia, but they don't regain cognition and they do nothing to slow the actual disease process on the brain. They seem to work for some folks, while others report that they bring nothing to the party. Side effects can be unpleasant, and many quit them because of GI issues including diarrhea.

Everything about moving a LO to memory care sucks, but it's important to remind yourself that it's the disease doing this to them-- not you.

HB

Anonymousjpl123

I could not have said this any better:

“Everything about moving a LO to memory care sucks, but it's important to remind yourself that it's the disease doing this to them-- not you.”

This may not ease up for a while so so be sure to find ways to hold onto your sanity “. Breaks from the phone, mentally preparing for visits, and most importantly remembering the rational part of you that knows you have nothing to feel guilty about. They are safe and getting care and that is huge.

bjohnsen3869

i just moved my dad to his AL on Monday and made the decision to not bring his phone. He had been calling me nonstop when he was living with his girlfriend. He hasn’t really missed it. I understand the guilt and your desire for them “just to be happy.” Something I’ve realized in the last couple days is that will probably never happen. My dad doesn’t even know what makes him happy, how am I going to create an environment where everything is right and he is completely and totally happy, when no such thing exists? The stress that you are i during is not healthy for you. Don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You can’t sustain this kind of pressure. Make sure you are getting some you time. Get together with friends. Watch an episode of “Friends” or “The Office. “ it really does help. Get some physical activity in and if you need to take some medication for sleep, take it, you need sleep. We are all in the same boat here and I understand completely your struggles. We need to support each other and remind each other we are doing what is best for them AND us.

ESkayP

"The phone calls at night when they're sundowning, demanding me to take them home, are breaking my heart. They think they can take care of themselves at home. Nobody is doing anything for them where they're at."

It's like you were listening in on my phone conversation with my own mother! She also demands to go home because "they" aren't doing anything for her at the facility that she couldn't do for herself. I can definitely understand your angst over that. I feel it too. I also think I may stop answering those angry/anxious calls. I may take the first one and try to comfort her, but she sometimes calls three or four times with exactly the same claims. Maybe I can try letting it go to voicemail. I'm not ready to take away her phone yet, but I have thought about it.

Neelloc

Taking the phone away isn't the answer for us.

For a while, the MC staff were taking their phone out of their room for the night. They just ended up going to other residents' rooms to use the phone.

I have discussed medication with geriatric professionals. They are taking Seroquel. And a few other meds. The doctors have made adjustments, and they don't want to prescribe anything more due to other risks such as falling.

Thank you all.

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