How to Practice Positivity

Wilted Daughter

I know it may be an odd title but I'm struggling with being positive, overcoming negative thoughts/false beliefs/unhappy feelings.

In my situation having mom home is better than placing her permanently in a facility for multiple reasons. It's give and take with regards to 'honoring her wishes' so I do what I can with the awareness that I can't do everything.

I am trying to stop talking about what is and focus on what can make it better or what it can be. This is hard to practice daily. I believe that if I could care for mom in a place (city, state) I would rather be it would be better for me (people, places, things matter). I don't feel love from mom even though she occasionally says the word I feel it's insincere. She's more excited, joyful when speaking with her siblings (another story) and treats me like a possession that should do what she says.

I'm in my feelings now...thanks for reading.

dancsfo

It may be possible that being with her at home is going to slow a decline compared to being in a facility, since at home you can interact. I realize she may not be as loving these days, but I think that's a positive way to look at it.

Wilted Daughter

I strongly agree about looking through lenses with a positive mindset. It makes the view better. Just learned she tested positive for Covid-19 today...I was there when new roommate was being attended to and coughing through the fabric room divider, a few days ago, but today tested negative (3) times. Nurse who called said she's doing okay (clear lungs), physician is coming tomorrow.

Anyway, thank you for your response. Have a nice evening.

Anonymousjpl123

Wilted daughter - I do understand. I had a wretched and very minimal relationship with my mother before my dad passed away and the alz/dementia rollercoaster began. You know having her live with you is the best thing. She may very well see you as a “possession” and that you are just doing your duty:m. My mom does this a lot. The love and gratitude sometimes feels rote and obligatory, since my time/feelings/needs of any kind are not really a thing (which was true before dementia).

I think it’s great that you are thinking about what would improve the situation. It may not be fast, or easy, but it’s good you are thinking about options.

I hope she recovers from covid soon.

mommyandme (m&m)

I hope she gets through the Covid well, sorry for that hiccup.

My mom and I had a loving enough relationship pre dementia. When I became her primary caregiver we had some trying times, of course. I knew she loved me but she’d no longer say it. She would go on and on telling her cats how much she loved them… Not me, I even think that might have been on purpose. Throughout our journey I’d tell her I loved her and she’d condescendingly laugh at me. I knew she loved me anyway and that she knew I was her person even if she didn’t know my name. She and I were in it together, I knew that too.

Positivity is hard sometimes. It’s so much easier to be negative after all. This whole darn journey is hard and negative. Give yourself a break, you’re doing an excellent job and are a fabulous daughter, even though wilted. Sometimes smiling even when you’re not feeling it will lift you up out of the negativity dirt. Sending thoughts of happier times your way.

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graham80

Sounds like she may be projecting some subconscious guilt possibly. I have taken my own steps to try the natural route after I did some research and found that certain species of mushrooms can help some of the effects and also help to prevent me from ending up in the same place. The Lionsmane mushroom is one we are trying, so we'll see what if any affect it has. Because I refuse to just sit back and do nothing while modern medicine fails.

CaringE

Hey there,

I totally understand your frustration so much that I went out and bought myself stress gummies today after searching online like a crazy person for something to calm my nerves while in line picking up my mom's medication from Walmart. I don't know if I feel less stressed per se but I feel like it's a start in the right direction of trying to get some sort of self-care going.

I also am taking care of a mother with dementia, who can be mean and enjoys treating me as a servant as if she was Cleopatra herself on the nile. If anything, I hope this post brought a little laughter to your day as I understand the struggle you face right now on a daily basis of being unhappy while caring for a parent.

Hope your days get better.

Ashley 1

Oh my!! Do we have the same mother?? 🫣

Smilescountry

It sounds as if you are trying to do a great job. When my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers, the first thing that I did was find a therapist for myself! My parents love me and would do anything for me, but there are some dynamics in our relationship that I knew would wear me down if I didn't get help. My parents were teens when I came along, so we pretty much grew up together, and those early years were rough at times. I knew that if I were to be a caretaker for them that those early years would come back to haunt me at times. Therefore, the therapy. Although Dad has Alzheimer's, Mom also has some dementia and could not take care of Dad. We girls felt that it would not be good to bring them to our homes, they had the means to both pay for assisted living, and we found a nice place in the community where they grew up for them to stay. Even so, things get pretty intense for me at times because I am the one who visits them every day, takes them to appointments, and manages their finances. One thing that my therapist has emphasized repeatedly is to take care of myself or I won't be able to take care of my parents. I began by scheduling times to get away, and I volunteer once a week teaching dog obedience classes. However, that wasn't working for me, so this week I am coming out of retirement to work two hours a day doing something that I dearly love. I won't have time to think about my parents for those two hours, and I think that will be very therapeutic for me. My therapist agrees. I came to that decision when I got so worn down that I had negative thoughts that I did not think were healthy. I am so excited to be doing something for myself, yet not be so burdened with a job that I cannot help my parents. My advice is to pay attention to those negative feelings by realizing that you need time for yourself. Do whatever it takes--getting away for a couple hours a day doing something you love, finding respite care, or even coming up with a plan for long term care outside your home.