x

Vranky

🚫

SDianeL

so sorry you are going through this. Has your Step Dad been evaluated for memory loss? Some of his actions are consistent with it. Perhaps if your sister took your disabled sibling first so she won't be placed in government custody, then you and the other family members could intervene for your Mom. You can file for Guardianship of her. Found this site that may help in NY. https://www.elderjusticeny.org/blog/adult-guardianship-basics-how-to

M1

Welcome to the forum. Two suggestions: there is a free 24/7 alzheiners help line, 1800 272 3900. They may have some suggestions for you. The other is to seek the advice of a certified elder law attorney. You are probably going to have to pursue guardianship, which may be costly, but it may avoid adult protective services. That also remains an option. I dont think it would necessarily mean that your sister would end up in state custody if there are family members willing to care for her. But in fact if your sister is standby guardian she is probably obliged to step in if your mother is no longer able to serve as guardian. Probably worth pulling out those papers and reading them carefully.

Your mom and sis are fortunate to have you looking out for them.

Quilting brings calm

I agree that the first thing is to get your youngest sister out and settled somewhere. Does your youngest sister want to live with your other sister or would she prefer a group home with other people like herself?

Then go for guardianship of your mom. It will be a battle because your step-dad won’t want to give her up and/or he can’t afford the financial hit that might occur. It’s also possible he has cognitive issues himself. Does he have someone that can care for him?

terei

Honestly, what I would do is make a plan with your siblings + go up there + just take your mother home with you. Let him know, after you get to FL that mom is ‘visiting’ you for ‘awhile’

Your other sister should just come + take your young sister to her home.

Does your mother have her own finances or are they all tied up with the husband? Somehow I doubt whether he can or will be able to organize himself to fight you legally. Tell your mother she is at your house for a ‘visit’ , at least initially. Get yourself a lawyer in FL that can help you regarding any assets that your mother is entitled to. If you try to do this through the legal system, your mother is going to be months, if not years being neglected, if not outright abused + in the meantime, he will try to obstruct anything that you try to do + possibly bar you + siblings from seeing her.

terei

Additionally, I would NOT discuss what you intend to do with the husband. He can find out what’s going on when you are in FL

ButterflyWings

What Terei said. That is exactly what I was thinking.

harshedbuzz

I'm going to suggest calling the 800-number here and ask to speak to a care consultant. This situation has a lot of moving parts and isn't going to have a simple solution nor is that solution going to come easily or inexpensively.

I would also talk with a CELA about guardianship in NY as that's where she lives. I would not signal your intentions to stepdad as he has control of access to your mom and could make things really difficult.

Can you have a family meeting with the sibs to discuss this rationally?

Are you all on the same page? Are they willing to support you in a bid for guardianship and moving your mom to FL? When my mom's sister obtained guardianship of their older sister, my mom (as sole surviving sibling) was asked if she agreed or wanted to petition.

You mention that they are local to her; are they engaged in her care in any way? Would they support you taking mom to Florida? Are you willing to relocate to NY for the rest of mom's life? Or would she be better served with one of them or in a MCF?

Are any of them willing to take mom in with your youngest sister? Do any of them have a history of supporting your mom/SD & mom as a couple? Do you all, as a group, support getting your sister into a supported community setting where she can ease into a lifestyle without this situation where she is caregiver to the person who is her guardian while your mom is still alive and could make the transition easier?

And where would that be? New York or Florida? While I do think your sister deserves her own life, I don't think it is appropriate for you to move mom away from an adult child with DS. Does your sister receive any services or participate in activities in her community in NY? Are there as many supports and services for your sister in FL? I used to be a forum moderator for a couple ASD support and information sites, New York tends to have more disability supports and services available than Florida. FTR, my parents had homes in FL and MD when dad was diagnosed. Our CELA did not support them staying in FL for a lot of reasons including availability of Medicaid for care in a facility.

The stepdad is an issue here. Is this incompetence something new? Could he be suffering with his own cognitive shift that isn't being recognized because you're all focused on mom and his looks different? I know a lot of men of a certain generation who don't know how to prepare a meal or do laundry and would be insulted if you suggested they figure it out, but they absolutely do know how to maintain their homes and gardens whether DIY or hiring professionals.

What's the financial situation? Is there money to maintain the house and provide care for your mom? Is this a long-standing marriage with mingled assets or did they marry later, perhaps when your mom was already starting to decline? Does stepdad need mom's income/assets to maintain his lifestyle? If so, he will fight you I'm sure.

This is one situation where I wouldn't lead with the nuclear option of having APS do a well visit. As a vulnerable adult, they'd remove your younger sister and family would likely lose control of decisions made for her going forward. This is another thing to discuss with the CELA.

Good luck.

HB

MN Chickadee

Definitely consult an attorney in the state of NY. You or another sibling may need to pursue guardianship of mom and sister. See if the Alz Association has any resources there. In my state you can pay a small fee for a care consultation with one of their social workers. They are good at bringing the family together (meaning your siblings NOT stepdad) and getting everyone on the same page with a plan. I would not say peep to anyone until you get legal advice. Also really important to document things. While everything is fresh in your mind start a notebook of all the signs of neglect.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.