Parent extremely angry

bookworm22 · August 2023

I had a talk with my dad about him possibly having warning signs of Alzheimer’s and dementia. He did not take it well and blew up at me. He said it was bs and that I was being stupid. About 6 or 7 months ago, he couldn’t figure out how to turn the tv off with the remote control. I had to tell him to hit the power button. Around Easter, he mentioned my cousin came over my uncle’s house with his kids and the rest of the family was downstairs with “whatever her name is downstairs.” He had forgotten his sister in law’s name. We went to a basketball game and on the way back he couldn’t figure out which key unlocked the back door. It took him 5 minutes to find the right key. He warmed food up in the microwave and forgot it. I asked did he have food in the microwave, he said no, only to discover he actually did. He’s called an expressway entrance a “get on.” He asks the same questions over and over. These seem to be of concern. I am stunned he was so angry when I brought it up to him. He says these are a normal part of aging but I think otherwise. What does this forum think?

Quilting brings calm · August 2023

There no point in using the words Alzheimer’s or dementia. They either refuse to believe they have it, or don’t really understand what it is. Most of us here use vague references to ‘memory problems’ that happen ‘as you get older. Then we explain that sometimes that’s caused by vitamin deficiencies etc and that the doctor can check with blood tests. Anything to get them to a doctor and get them on something for their moodiness.

It’s definitely cognitive related- but it could still be B12 or thyroid issues or a urinary tract infection. only a doctor can tell

harshedbuzz · August 2023

OMG. My late father has a twin!!!

I made the same rookie mistake fairly early on and it set the process of getting a diagnosis back almost a decade. Hopefully your situation will come to an earlier resolution.

Initially, I shared my concerns with both my parents in 2008 and was met with their "it's a normal part of the aging process" mantra. TBH, I'd suspected something was up with dad a few years earlier when his already difficult personality to a shift to the even darker side. I suspect my dad was somewhat aware of the changes I was seeing and had a valid concern that I would take steps to clip his wings so to speak. Mom was seriously in denial at that time, not wanting to face the changes a dementia diagnosis would bring to her golden years. She ascribed my "accusations" to not liking him. Things got worse and over time, and he developed anosognosia which is a condition in which a person impacted is unable to perceive a change in their cognition. Long story short, I wasn't able to get traction on a diagnosis until mom almost died as a result of him being her advocate.

Your next steps will be determined in part by whether you are next-of-kin/POA. If he has a spouse or other POA, you'll need to get them to push for a diagnosis. If you will be in charge of the process, I would reach out to his PCP and outline what you have observed and share concerns. If you don't have HIPAA clearance, this will need to be a one-way conversation. Sometimes it's helpful if you can attend an appointment with him-- discretely hand off a bulleted list of concerns for the doctor to see ahead of coming in. Sit behind dad out of his sight-line so you can communicate non-verbally with the doc when your dad is talking.

It would be best if he saw a neurologist or memory clinic, but the critical thing is to get the bloodwork done to rule-out a treatable cause that just looks like dementia. My dad had mixed dementia; one was caused by a vitamin deficiency related to his alcohol use. Had that been identified and treated when I first raised my concerns, he would have had a much better quality of life for 8-10 years before his Alzheimer's kicked in. Mom's life would have been way better, too.

HB

M1 · August 2023

Yep, i did it too and about got my head taken off. There's a condition called anosognosia-they can't tell that they have deficits. You do need to have him evaluated and you may need to let the doctor know ahead of time, by phone or in writing-most docs know to take it seriously when the family complains. You need to get power of attorney for him while he can still sign, sometimes you can approach that by telling him that you are updating your papers too.

Welcome to the forum, this is a good place for support.