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Ponypower50

I am new to this forum. My DW for the last 5 years has been losing her memory. I am her full time caregiver. The doctor says she is in the late stages of dementia. My wife doesn't know my daughter or son. She doesn't know my name either. She doesn't speak and no conversations. I have done everything known to mankind to help her. I have taken her to over 50 doctors and therapy sessions. Now I feel I have exhausted all my energy. I feel isolated, lonely and depressed. I am going to my first caregiver support group tomorrow. It may sound selfish but I need my life back. I am not deserting my wife, I am 70 years old in pretty good shape and miss companionship and meeting new friends. I need to get myself back on track. Thanks!

Sandias

Ponypower - First of all, welcome to the online support forum.

Secondly, YOU ARE NOT SELFISH. Just the opposite. You have given 5 entire years of your life to taking care of your wife. That is huge. Nobody understands how difficult and stressful caregiving is until they actually have to do it. It is the toughest job I have ever done. When my Alz mother was living with me, it was like I was working and living in a one-patient mental institution 24/7/365 without any break. I was close to having nervous breakdowns from burnout.

Stress and burn out from caregiving are so common and so real. And caregivers often neglect their own health. You MUST reclaim at least a sliver of your former life back. The risk of the caregivers dying before the ones they care for is very high. Don't do this to yourself. If you get sick or worse, who will care for your wife.

I am so glad to hear you will be going to your first caregiver support group tomorrow. They should have resources or information to help you.

Any chance you are a veteran? If so, there are benefits that you can look into to help your wife.

We all need to have friends. No one should judge you even if you want companionship from a nice lady friend. No judgement from me.

One other thing, if you haven't already, you should really consult with a Certified Elder Law attorney. It sounds like your wife will soon need to be in a care facility. A good CELA can help you structure your assets so that you won't be left destitute if/when your wife needs to go into a nursing home.

SDianeL

Ponypower - so sorry you have been going through this for 5 years. I'm 2 years in and am exhausted. We know how you feel. It's terrifying, exhausting and stressful, with isolation and a sense of helplessness that nobody can understand unless they have go through it. Glad you are going to a support group. Isolation is bad for us especially as we age. We need interaction with others. I'm looking into support groups in my area but I only have one afternoon per week respite care so it's challenging. Let us know how the support group works out.

Ponypower50

Thank you both for the kind words. I will post a followup of my meeting tomorrow.

Ed1937

Pp, welcome to the forum. Local caregiver groups can have a lot going for them. I think the biggest benefits over an online group like this one is that you have a chance to meet new people who will understand what you're going through, and you can get local information.

Online groups like this one might give you more "talk time", and they are available when local groups aren't. And you might talk about things that you wouldn't in a person to person group. Both groups have advantages.

I hope tomorrow's meeting goes well for you. When you're in this position, you need all the help and understanding you can get. Please let us know how things are going for you.

Ponypower50

I attended my first Dementia caregiver support group yesterday afternoon. I was overwhelmed with the support from the group. It's sad to see so many people dealing with the alzheimer's disease. I came away with a few ideas on how to cope with the everyday challenges. I received a few contacts to help in watching my DW. I met a few friends and will be attending the next meeting in a few weeks. I think this group will help me get my life together and strength for the future.

Ed1937

It sounds like you found a good group. Good for you! That can really make a huge difference. Just don't forget that we're also available for you whenever you might need a boost.

nannyritch

Thanks so much

Sandias

PP, that is wonderful news. There’s help and there’s hope. You deserve to have a life too.

Joydean

Pp glad you found a good in person group. We need all the help and support we can get going down this horrible path. Best wishes to you.

Gig Harbor

Hi PonyPower,

Congratulations on taking that first big step. The support group will become your lifeline and some will even become good friends. My group started in 2016 with three of us and we have an average of 7-10 each weekly meeting. Some leave when a spouse dies but some stay. Some come to a first meeting and are so terrified about what they hear that they stay away for awhile before they venture back. Don’t hesitate to reach out and ask people over for coffee. Many are just waiting for someone to make the first gesture. You need to keep yourself healthy if possible because if you can’t care for her your family will likely have to place her.