Trying to get my mom to stop driving and except my son moving in and helping her

GrannyRae

My mom is living in a new city for about 3 years since my dad died. She is scared to drive too far and complains all the time about it, which is fine with me because she was not driving safely before. She was going 25 in a 45 speed zone. She only drives on a back street that runs from her house behind major stores and restaurants.She was going a few times a week to a local grocery store. The store closed so now she is going to Walmart. Problem is it is always very busy with lots of cars and people walking around. She is still in the early stages but getting worse. She has several times lost her car and I am afraid she is going to run over someone because she is not attentive or fast in responding. She insists she is fine and just is forgetful and functioning fine alone. She is refusing to give up driving even if we promise to bring her to the store when we can when she needs to. She is also refusing to let anyone stay with her to help her. She really needs to be monitored but is fighting us and throwing tantrums in our attempts to do so. I am trying to do what is needed without her having meltdowns and shutting down. She claims she is going to die if anyone moves in or takes her driving privileges away. She is also refusing to take her supplements and new medicines. She says she is taking them but the bottles stay full. I feel like I am dealing with a stubborn tantruming child. Right now she lives alone but we are trying to change that. She has already been the caregiver. She cared for her sick sister for 8 years, then her husband, then my dad who had Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. So she will not let anyone care for her or even help her. Even when she was struggling to care for my dad she wouldn’t let me help or get her help.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Do you have power of attorney for her? You are going to need it. And you may have to disable her car, then remove it. Read about anosognosia-she really thinks she's fine and does not recognize that she is impaired. The driving is very, very risky.

A certified elder law attorney can help you with the necessary paperwork. Important to do it while she can still sign, sometimes it works to approach this by saying that you are updating your papers too.

GrannyRae

I have full power of attorney for her. She has not been driving past a few blocks on a 25 mile per hour speed zone which was fine when she was going where there was almost no people, but Walmart is way to busy and crowded so it is no longer safe. Plus her reflexes and awareness is getting worse. She admits her reflexes are deteriorating so we are going to scare her into submission if possible and take her keys to make sure she doesn’t go anywhere. We are going to monitor her more to see if she is slipping in other ways as well. Change has always been an issue with her. She never changed her old house kitchen for over 50 years or her living room. She complained for over 2 years that I made her move after 51 years in her old house. I moved her kicking and screaming for several months before she broke down and excepted it, but took another 3 months to actually move her into her new home. She has chronic depression and will break down if pushed too hard too fast.

jfkoc

If you want someone to dig in their heels tell them they need help.

In your case I would ask her if she would be willing to help out her grandson by letting him "stay" with her for a while That maker her the "helper"..

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Emily 123

Hi GrannyRae,

Your mom's behaviors aren't deliberate-they just seem that way because this disease can present initially as poor memory. It affects so very much more than that. Most people with dementia can have conversations and outwardly seem ok, and so the temptation is to interact with them as if they can still reason, have good judgement, and understand that they are having losses.

Dementia can progress from mild cognitive impairment as people age, but something like a move will bring the issue to a head faster because they have lost or are losing the ability to retain information. A familiar environment and doing the same routine every day provides a lot of structure, and a move takes that away. That means that it takes weeks or months of repetition and routine in a new environment to adjust. The atrophy their brain undergoes will be progressing, so they are unlikely to get back to a pre-move baseline.

You will need to work around the disease and make keeping your mom calm a priority. That means agreeing with her train of thought, but doing what you need to do behind her back to keep her safe.

She's already overwhelmed and having catastrophic reactions. Trying to scare her or make her see reason will only provoke more. That's going to be emotionally exhausting for you both, but worse for her because she's losing control of her 'self', and she can't do anything about it. I would maybe take a look at the links I'll post, read the forums, and keep asking questions--this is a great group! Use the magnifying glass in the upper right hand side of the page to hunt for specific threads like 'driving'.

If she doesn't have a diagnosis, it's time to get her to her provider for an assessment. (A diagnosis will allow you to activate the POA.). There can be other causes that need ruled out. Many of us take our loved ones in for a visit, saying it's just for something like insurance purposes. We give the provider a heads up about the purpose of the visit and tell them that the person will shut down if they think they are having a visit for a cognitive assessment.

The car needs to go. Park it away from her and tell her it's in the shop. If even SHE's noting her reaction times are bad, she's an accident waiting to happen. What if some kid runs out in front of her, or she runs a stop sign?

Books: https://alzconnected.org/discussion/65171/books-about-alzheimers-disease#latest

This helped me a lot!

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half

YouTube:

5 losses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0

Teepa-10 early: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqmqC-702Yg

Teepa-multiple videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX

Tam Cummings assessment tools/Alz Disease checklist https://www.tamcummings.com/tools

Anosognosia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nw3YUDQJuY

Stage 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg

Stage 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIkTO4d8YyI

Moderate stage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs

Talking to a person w/ dementia. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww

Talking to a parent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiUpztj2DkQ

How To Convince Someone With Dementia They Need Help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncKhXQtnyfI

Stepping Into Dementia’s Reality: Advice From Teepa Snow | Brain Talks | Being Patient:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOCZInnLQd0

Best wishes, & welcome...

BadMoonRising

Please. If she has not had her eyes fully examined in the past year, this should be the first step.

CaliforniaGirl-1

All of us have spent months or years trying to explain, trying to get them to understand the consequences of their actions and get a parent with dementia to agree to:

-stop driving

-move somewhere safer

-accept help/housecleaning/an aide/a driver

-stop talking to strangers on the phone or giving out financial information

-let us pay the bills

And I have friends going through this exact thing at this moment. The 2 previous responders who said that while in some ways your parent seems to be able to this, they can't, are absolutely correct. They may look and sound like your parent at a normal place but they have a diminished capacity and really can't do that anymore.

The hardest thing is giving up getting them to agree to things and explaining everything because of course we love and respect them. But a stubborn toddler is a very apt description.

If your parent has dementia and you have PoA and they are an unsafe driver (not everyone with a dementia diagnosis is, until it develops). Take a way the keys and disable the car. You can report them and have them retested. But make sure to get the keys because if their license is suspended and they are still driving their insurance won't cover them. Lots of people with dementia won't stop driving when their license is suspended because they don't understand or believe it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. If you search the discussion group you will see lots of information and hints on this topic because it is something that many people go through and it is very difficult and heartbreaking.