Time to discuss anxiety meds with my DH

justbreathe2

My DH who has been diagnosed with MCI is good with me handling everything. Although I am seeing more anxiety in him. He gets so frustrated when things don’t get fixed, or any delays. Today, trying to resolve his computer problem with him interrupting me with constant talking and repeated questions. I suggested to him that I would really like him to try an anxiety med. He apologized over again for his frustrations and is proud how I take care of things, but he does not want to take anything.

I left a message for his Psy.D to call us. He will not talk to me without DH presence. We are still waiting for a 6 month followup appointment from Neurologist at our April visit…and that was rushed…only 15 minutes.

I feel so alone in this disease. Hoping Psy.D will suggest a med to Neurologist and will talk to DH about it. I see things are slowly fading. What stage do LO reach when they no longer remember their spouse? He has no memories of us.

M1

Does he have a primary care doc? They should be able to prescribe in this situation. And my suggestion would be NOT to talk to your DH about it--as you saw it triggered "not wanting to take anything." Just tell him it's a new blood pressure med, new vitamin, anything--you don't have to tell him it's for anxiety.

It's very hard when a LO loses their memory of you as a couple. I've been through that/am still going through it, she knows she loves me but that's about it. And yes, the day will come when he doesn't know your name, or even know who you are. I suppose the same things happen with a parent, but it seems to me especially hard when it's your partner/spouse, as it's the life you built together that no longer has any meaning or relevance for them.

BTW, from what you are describing, I'd worry about him being on a computer with internet access. Pretty risky, one click and you're scammed. Back in the early days, I came home to find my partner on the phone with "Microsoft" who had called and told her there was a computer problem. She had just given him remote access to her hard drive when I got there. That was the end of her computing days.

Ed1937

I think when they lose any connection to you, it's pretty late in the game. But from the other things you said, it doesn't sound like he is there yet.

M1 is right about not discussing the reason for new meds. If he asks what they are for, it is just a vitamin deficiency or any other reason you can think of. You will not be lying to him. You will be responding to his need of not becoming upset.

He is also right about computer access. Add to that phone calls that need to be monitored, as well as the mail. There are just too many very well thought out scams that anyone can fall for. And it's much easier for someone with a compromised brain to fall for it. Post any other concerns you might have. Someone will offer suggestions and comforting words.

justbreathe2

Thank you M1 and Ed for your comments. I will need to rethink how to handle anxiety meds. I started doing his pill box a several months ago and he rechecks me every time. He knows exactly what he takes and purpose.

You are right with phone and computer. He wants me to handle everything on computer lately. I have always done the bills and I watch everything like a hawk. Sadly, some of his friends no longer check in with him by texts or emails, so he is losing interest. He has always been aware of scam calls, etc. but still a concern as his brain deteriorates, and definitely a worry.

DH losing our memories is a heartbreak everyday for me. Things he bought me on trips, jewelry have no purpose for me now. Some friends and family, I feel are tired of hearing me talk about my DH and MCI and avoid me. I try to work on myself and not talk about it. I understand, they want happy conversations and are uncomfortable. But he is on my mind everyday and some days I am overwhelmed. Exercise, yoga, and music does help some. I pray often and want to be stronger for him. Thank you for listening.

Drapper

It is very upsetting when your friends and family start spending less time with you and your DH because of this horrible disease. I have realized that there are friends and family that will be there and those that just don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with it. They slowly disappear from your life and it is painful. I have come to accept it, and to really appreciate those that are still in my life.

its hard to always be happy when you are going through this. I have found that the utubes by dr natali/Careblazers have been helpful.

I do tell my DH that meds are to make him feel less stressed which he seems to accept. Although that may not work in your situation. Fiblet may be best

Also , I write a confidential note to his dr/neurologist when we visit letting them know what is going on so that we don’t need to fully talk about somethings in front of him. That is working well.

harshedbuzz

@justbreathe2

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found us.

I have a couple of thoughts on this. Firstly, why is he seeing a clinical psychologist? Once MCI/dementia become and issue, the ability to benefit from what this professional can offer is gone. It takes self-awareness (the opposite of anosognosia), empathy, short term memory and significant executive function to recognize and issue and work through or around it using strategies from a Psy. D.'s toolbox. I would transition him to a geriatric psychiatrist for medication management.

Dad's geripsych was the most valuable person on out team after my mom. Office visits with him always made dad feel respected, we were never rushed and he was a wizard in the art of managing psychoactive medication creating a cocktail of meds at low doses that improved quality of life while minimizing side effects.

If he can't deal with computer basics, it's time his access was cut. He can only get into trouble with it. My dad day traded away $350K in the months before he forgot how to use it entirely. I'd begged mom to make it go away, but she didn't want to deal with his wrath and was happy to have him occupied so she could have a break. She paid dearly for that.

HB

Deb2322

Every time I read posts on a new topic, I learn something knew about a behavior I hadn't yet thought of. Today my LO told me he hadn't had any emails on his Yahoo account. I asked him if there was someone he was communicating with or a contact he was looking for and he told me that is how he is selling things on Craigslist. Yikes! Now I have a new worry-people coming to our home, him being scammed or robbed. Hopefully when I look into it today I won't find a listing for Wife for Sale😂

Iris L.

Instead of whatever was being done at the psychologist's office, consider spending that time following Best Practices. It will be more beneficial.

Iris

ButterflyWings

I'm glad to see the advice our forum mates are giving regarding a new doc. One that will not discuss anything with you, without your DH present is a red flag. They don't understand dementia. Your DH is not a reliable source, and you can't be put in position of having to contradict and discuss everything about him, in front of him. It is asking for trust issues etc. with someone who may be paranoid due to his disease.

I did have a couple of people push for HIPPA permission early, but DH was right there to say yes this is my wife, you have permission to discuss any and all, with her. Do you have DPOA's in place? That is key asap.

The geripsych and our diagnosing neuropsych team have been outstanding. Also, receiving his MyChart access was a crucial way to email and or read and communicate in writing other than just phoning or waiting. I like what Iris suggested, which is an active quality of life and health approach you can work on immediately.

And I hear your loneliness and isolation. Dementia really is so isolating for the caregivers. Spouses and partners especially. I'd call the Alz Assoc 1-800# 24/7 to talk with a Care Counselor if I were you. You need an outlet and someone to bounce things off of, and like most friends and family it sounds like yours don't really want to know the real deal for many different reasons, which is understandable though it hurts. Wishing you well.

justbreathe2

ButterflyWings, thanks! My DH did the testing with the neuropsych first then we saw the Neurologist for 10 minutes when he diagnosed MCI. Neither one suggested a geripsych which I will soon look into. The only reason I called the neuropsych is because he is all I have and is great with my DH. Right now I can discuss my concerns with my husband present, but I know that may change. Our healthcare facility lacks doctors here…one Neurologist at our facility, so hard to get appointments, etc.

Yes, we did all your suggestions before his diagnosis…DPOA, My Chart, and I have control of accounts, with those being tagged for any large withdrawals, Alz. Assn. My DH has made decisions on his own with stop driving, flying, computers. His frustrations is with others not getting things done, unexpected things, noise…he is aware how it upsets me when he is frustrated and feels bad. We work on keeping him busy, healthy eating, exercise, etc.

justbreathe2

Thank you Drapper for your kind and helpful comments. My DH is in early MCI. Yes, that is a great idea to pass notes to Neurologist and right now talking through things with him sometimes works. I will look into your read you suggested.