My mother is either lying or confused about things she does

zackyle

Hello, my mother is 85 and has been diagnosed with dementia. Her main issues is that she has very poor hygiene and when I ask her about brushing her teeth or changing her disposable underwear as well as eating and taking her medicine. She insists she is doing these things however I can tell she is not because the toothpaste and brush have not been touched and I haven't had to purchase underwear. I do have cameras in her living room and kitchen and can see her taking her medicine out of the alarm box we have and saying out loud "I don't want these" and puts them in a cup of water. She has also completely stopped taking care of her house as well and gets upset when I try to clean. As a daughter and the only child, how to I push these issues with her. I am getting zero help from her doctors.

Emily 123

Hi there and welcome,

Can you clarify the issues with her doctors? Has she seen a specialist? In terms of managing behaviors...mostly it will be up to you, but the boards here and Youtube are great resources. It sounds like she needs more oversight. The disease has probably moved forward a bit, so that she's losing her executive ability. Every person with the disease is different and so is every mother daughter relationship 😏

For instance, my mom was amenable to having a maid service come in and clean but, like you, the hygeine issues became a real sticking point. Eventually it became too much for me to handle working a 40 hour week and keeping up. She was always independent, and didn't want to keep living with me (we were waiting for the covid vax to come out), so we found a dementia-focused AL for her. You may want to start thinking about if that or a care home would be a good fit for your mom, or if she would accept a daily drop in from a caregiver.

Here's some things I found helpful--mainly they helped me understand how my mom was being affected by the disease and gave me patience and think about what would be good work arounds with her.

The magnifying glass at the top right will help you find threads by topic.

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half

Teepa-multiple videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX

Tam Cummings assessment tools/AD checklist https://www.tamcummings.com/tools

5 losses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0

Anosognosia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nw3YUDQJuY

Stage 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg

Moderate stage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs

Talking to a person w/ dementia. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww

Talking to a parent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiUpztj2DkQ

How To Convince Someone With Dementia They Need Help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncKhXQtnyfI

Stepping Into Dementia’s Reality: Advice From Teepa Snow | Brain Talks | Being Patient:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOCZInnLQd0

jfkoc

Sorry to say but your mother really is not able to live on her own now. Please, no more discussion with her ...no questions...no reasoning. She cannot longer answer or remember.

Now is the time to get all medical and financial ducks in a row and to get your plan B established.

I know my post is likely not what you want to hear but you do want to be ready when the other shoe falls, and it will.

-Judith

Quilting brings calm

Your mom is not doing this to be difficult… or to lie. Her brain is telling her she did these things already. She can’t tell the difference between doing things today or yesterday or last week. She may not even be able to figure out how to do it. She also can’t process that she needs to take the pills or what they are for. She’s never going to be able to do so, and in fact, will get worse. She’s functioning on the level of a child… and children often say they’ve brushed their teeth, showered, etc. if you want to ensure she does x,y,z, then you have to stand there, watch and help her do it.

In addition, she should not be allowed to cook as she might light the fire under an empty pan, or no pan… or put her hand in the burner. etc etc for anything that you might consider dangerous around a child.

This disease sucks.

BassetHoundAnn

Quilting is right. When my mom stopped brushing her teeth, or taking showers, or washing her hair, or changing her underwear pads, or doing her laundry or changing her bed linens, and it grew to be too overwhelming for me to struggle with her everyday to perform basic hygiene, I knew it was time to get her into assisted living or memory care. That's what you need to plan for. She's not lying, she doesn't remember and she lacks the executive ability to do these things on her own. Things will only get worse in the coming year. Make sure you have medical and durable powers of attorney. Start touring facilities where you can move her. Get her on the waiting lists. The paperwork you need to get this plan into action will be overwhelming. Start getting the ducks in a row asp.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

MN Chickadee

Her mind is compromised by this disease, she truly believes whatever her reality is. It's different than lying or denial. You will have to find workarounds and/or move her to full time care. She needs 24/7 supervision now. Someone will have to literally be hands-on for personal care. You will need to be involved in turning the shower on, getting her into it, prompting her on what to do and products to use etc. Same for teeth brushing and anything else. This is inevitable with dementia and a very hard time for caregivers to adjust. If she isn't having toilet issues yet this isn't far behind and she will need assistance with toileting and changing Depends. This is often when families have to move their LO to full time care. The medication issue can be dangerous, she cannot be trusted with them. A caregiver needs to give her the pills and watch her take them and then they need to be locked up. Also lock up any over the counter products. A tube of ointment can be confused with toothpaste, mouthwash can look like a beverage, and much worse. It's like babyproofing the home. Some pills be crushed and hidden in a tasty treat like a shake or pudding to help make the process easier, but do consult a pharmacist because some cannot be crushed or cut.