Father in Law.. need advice

JeriLynn66

First post and I’ve read all the forums and comments. FIL came to live with us in January 2020 after losing his second wife. He was 94, already having memory issues and couldn’t manage finances.

He chose to go to Independent Living facility where he had friends. They’ve either passed away or gone to MC.

We lost my DH to cancer in December 2020 and there are no other family members. I am POA.

He’s 97.5 years old now and has advanced in this journey. His recall time is down to about 3 minutes before he begins to repeat the same questions.

I arranged for assistance with showering but when the attendant comes, he declines and states he doesn’t need help. He thinks he “washes up” every day. He doesn’t. I have his underclothes in baskets in the bathroom.. he cannot remember. He will not allow me to assist with shower. And even though I am an RN and know how to distance from situations; I don’t want to shower him.

He refuses to move to AL at the same facility and gets VERY upset to discuss it.

I feel he needs to move upstairs to AL and I feel like I am absolutely failing in my duty to care for him.

He says (repeatedly):” I eat good, I sleep good, I like it here and you fixed this place for me and I like the people. “ And the residents love him.

Do I leave him alone or do I move him up to AL. ??? This is almost unbearable..

signed, Wits end with worry and guilt..

SDianeL

If he's not showering I think he should move to AL. My DH is stage 4-5 Dementia. The reason they don't shower are: 1. they think they just showered because they lose track of time. 2. It's too overwhelming to shower. There are many steps in showering. I got my husband to agree to shower 2x a week on the days he gets a newspaper. On those 2 days I get is shower completely ready. Towel, body wash, wash cloths, even turn on the water to get it the right temperature. AL caregivers should know this tactic so that might help him. They also use rewards like "after you shower, we'll get an ice cream" -- Read the book "36 Hour Day" which gives lots of tips to get them to do things you might try before moving him.

Marta

You do not say whether FIL has a diagnosis of dementia or what stage he is in. If he does have the dementia diagnosis, the ship for AL has likely sailed, and MC would be the appropriate level of care, now and in the future.

JeriLynn66

Marta, he does not have a “diagnosis “ but is probably in Stage 5. Knows me, my name. Knows his birthday, SS number (which scares me) and his military rank.

Recognizes his “friends” at facility but doesn’t remember anyone’s name. He’s ambulatory with a walker, gets himself to the dining room and activities in the facility. He is continent with bowel and bladder.

I am afraid if I move him he will have a downward spiral.. that’s my fear

Marta

It doesn’t have to be a downward spiral. Yes, there will be a period of adjustment with perhaps some new behaviors. Moving him does not cause progression of the underlying brain pathology - it progresses all by itself.

Safety is what should be driving your decision.

I am sorry for the loss of your DH. You have had a lot on your plate. Glad you found us here.

M1

Echoing Marta--that's exactly what I was going to write; safety drives the decision making. Remember (as Marta also said), at 97.5 he's going to spiral down at some point, regardless. I would not discuss it with him. Probably better to move him now while he still has some cognitive wherewithal to adjust, frankly.

JeriLynn66

Thank you each for your responses. You have helped.

Quilting brings calm

Move him to the MC that his friends moved to.