We made the move

mrahope

I just wanted to thank all of you who made recommendations or comments on moving with my DH to another place about 200 miles away. In short, we did it, and have been here about two weeks.

We are very lucky in that DS and DIL have really stepped up and helped us: they've brought food, helped unpack, mounted DH's TV set and much more. They live about 2 miles away, so it has been easy for them to come here. DIL, especially, has been much more patient with DH than I ever expected. She's even taken him to a dental appointment.

These things said, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with DH, but so far it has not. He does seem much more fatigued and sleeps more than he did most days at the other place. He seems to have gotten used to the new house, but I have noticed subtle things. This week for the first time I watched him not immediately know how to open the car door from the inside.

As for myself, I am just beginning to accommodate to all the changes that have happened. A smaller area means things are close and convenient, but a much longer wait for medical services.

I am hopeful that we've made the right move. If nothing else, it's good for others to see and appreciate what my DH is like now.

Ed1937

I'm glad the move seems to have gone well. And it sounds as if you might have a lot more help and understanding there. That's priceless! I hope things continue to work out well for both of you.

Pat6177

Mrahope, thanks for the update. I’m very glad it’s going well. And glad to hear that DS and DIL are stepping up. As Ed said, it’s priceless.

M1

Yes, very glad to hear it. If it makes things easier for you then it was absolutely the right thing to do. Keep us posted when you can.

toolbeltexpert

Mrahope I am so glad you made it safe and things are going so well. I bet it's so good to have the extra help. It is good to see things can work out.

White Crane

So glad your move went well and you are getting more help! What a blessing!

ElaineD

You are doing amazingly well! I never want to move again!

The Top Ten most stressful events in life is as follows:

1. Moving.

2. Going through a big break-up or divorce.

3. Getting married.

4. Having kids.

5. Starting your first job.

6. Changing careers.

7. Sending your kid off to college.

8. Starting college yourself.

9. Dating someone new.

10. Getting a new pet.  (what, getting a pet?)

Elaine

mrahope

Thanks, all. I appreciate the encouragement as we walk down a new road. And, yes, it IS stressful but honestly not as bad as what I was experiencing in the old place by myself.

Laurie1282

Your story sounds very similar to mine! My HWA and I just made a cross country move from Nebraska to Florida. We left a large old home on an acre lot and now have a very comfortable smaller home with a small yard 5 minutes from our son and his family. We have owed our home in FL for a couple of years, so it is not entirely new for my husband. We spent the last two winters here. I feel like he has made the transition as well as someone in the moderate stage of Alz can make and am very proud of him. I am incredibly happy and relieved to be here and know I will be a better caregiver plus have more help when the time comes.

I'm sure your move will benefit you and your husband as well in the long run. Good luck!

mrahope

So good to know I'm not the only one to do this.

ButterflyWings

Good for you for giving it a try. Being closer to loved ones now and in the future is important.

Elaine's list on the Top 10 Most Stressful Things In Life-- they missed one: Dementia Caregiving

Jeff86

BW, here’s the response I wrote but forgot to post:

Thanks for the list, Elaine, of the most stressful things. Whoever made it up, however, clearly did not have a spouse with AD!

Denise1847

Wonderful news!

harshedbuzz

@mrahope Thanks for the update. I'm glad the "kids" have exceeded expectations and hope it continues.

FWIW, I moved my parents when dad was diagnosed in the middle stages; previously they lived 200 miles south in a gold resort and spent winters in FL. He was angry about the move initially (mostly the loss of autonomy and inability to control my mom) and sometimes a little confused about where he was exactly, but I don't think the move hastened his decline in any meaningful way.

@ElaineD I don't know where you found that list, but I am seriously side-eyeing it. Getting a pet is Top 10 Stressful? Maybe stick to domestic animals. Dating stressful? Maybe if you're already married to someone else or otherwise doing it wrong.

HB

Joydean

So glad your move went well, being close to family sounds like a blessing for all involved!!

gpaul

I too need to move to be closer to family. My DH is in the early stages so he also would be aware of For Sale sign, packing boxes, etc. I'm just not certain as to how to go about all of this. I have contacted a realtor here in NC who is on standby and I have a realtor in PA who is also on standby. I'm concerned that once DH finds out the plan to move, he will be adamant about not leaving our present home. I don't know how to discretely make these plans and keep it from him until the last hour.

mrahope

Hi, gpaul,

I didn't try and keep it from my DH, because I knew it would be impossible from the get-go. I kind of adopted a "water wearing away at a rock" policy. I would tell him how hard it was to keep going up and down steps, and how noisy our neighborhood was, etc. We'd been talking about this for months to years. Despite this, he was angry and oppositional throughout the process and even threatened that he would keep an apartment in our old location (our daughter still lives there). I just let that one lie there. I told him to go ahead and arrange it, etc. knowing this was well beyond his capacities. I was afraid he'd end up fighting me to drive to the new location once the movers left, so I asked DS to drive with him, while I followed in our car. That never happened.

I think my philosophy on this was to keep him as informed as possible (given limitations), and also to stress (repeatedly) that I needed to have backup unless I became ill and unable to care for/help him. He'd often say I hadn't told him things, but I kept at it. TBH, it was the most stressful part of the move.

Please do not give up hope. Change can be made, even though it is really stressful.

harshedbuzz

@gpaul

With my dad, who was in the middle stages, we acted without his input and behind his back.

He was just aware enough that he was "slipping" at that point and terrified to lose his autonomy. He was still capable of bullying my mom, who was in deep denial, into believing what was happening was "a normal part of the aging process". He knew enough still to be wary of me as the person to take charge of this insanity, so he worked hard to offend me in hopes I'd leave him alone as I had done in the past over his more toxic behavior. My mom nearly died with him as her advocate; changes had to be made.

He slipped into a psychotic episode and was hospitalized and then sent to rehab. During that time, I convinced mom to move. I and set up an apartment using stuff from the house in MD; we moved dad from rehab to the apartment "until the doctors OK's him to go to FL for the winter". While in the apartment, I supervised the repair, staging and sale of the house in MD. I handled the sale and supervised the move of the contents of the house to a storage unit near me. Mom wanted a house, so I found her one. She wanted dad to participate, so I sent him to tour it with a realtor and his brother and let him think he picked it.

The weekend after settlement, we moved the contents of the apartment and storage unit into the new house while she and dad stayed at a lovely hotel nearby. When it was completely unpacked, I drove them to the new home. A few months later I repeated the process with their home in FL. This was sold turnkey, so my niece and I packed up their personal stuff in a PODS and shipped mom's roadster north.

At no time in any of these moves did dad see his homes listed for sale, boxes being packed, movers, prospective buyers or realtors. There was a period of time when he got agitated by his stuff missing, so I'd show him pictures of it in the storage unit which calmed him down.

I really think keeping him out of the process was best for him and way easier for me.

HB