Moving LO into MC. Advice needed on how to comfort my father (the primary)

LittleVolcano

I'm not the spouse, my father is, but I'm the daughter of our LO. My father made the very hard decision to move Mom into MC (severe dementia. Probably ALZ. Falling fast.). There's a very pleasant, small, 6-bed, local residence style care home near us. It's highly recommended by my Mom's geriatric specialist, as well as our neighbors who's mother is there as well. And there's an opening now, just when we're realizing that Mom is falling faster than we can catch her.

What do I say to my father? Please tell me all your positive stories about how you moved your spouse into MC and it was the best decision you made, albeit of course the hardest (if it all went sideways, please don't share just now. I need words of encouragement right now, and if it all goes wrong, we'll deal with that then).

Also feel free to include what you said to or did with your LO to help the transition. I'm doing my own research as well, but personal, real world, stories I think help my father more.

I'm feeling positive about the decision (even though I'm still gutted as well), but my father is of course crushed, for good reason. But I need to speak to him in the language of a spouse, not a daughter at this time, so thanks in advance for your help!

Edit: And if you would like to speak to my father "directly" feel free to word your response as if you're speaking to him and I will print them out, with your permission (names and personally identifying info removed), and give them to him. He's been resistant to reaching out for caregiver support, so I will bring him the ones I feel would resonate with him most.

M1

Wish I had words of wisdom to share with your dad. Many threads on this say that placement will help him go back to just being a spouse instead of a caretaker. Maybe that will help, and there is some truth to it, in my own experience. Now i take picnics and we have drawing sessions, we take short walks. I still have to help her shower (she won't let anyone else), but it's not 24/7.

although it's counterintuitive, I would not discuss the move with your mother ahead of time, at all. She won't remember it, anyway, and it will only induce anxiety and resistance. If she asks once she's there, you can come up with some excuse about damage to the house, or that she needs rehab for some ailment. Needing physical therapy for her back has worked for my partner for three months now after a change to a new MC (she was in another facility for a year prior to that and has absolutely no recall of it).

Joe C.

LV, I placed my wife 21 months ago in mid stage 6 of AD and it was the best decision I could have made for both of us. DW is social, enjoys participating in activities and loves having people around, both staff and other residents. At time of placement DW no longer recognized our house as her home so transition to MC was pretty seamless. I did not tell DW about place beforehand, rather just took her into the MC and allowed staff to take over. She has never once asked about home and is generally happy in her surroundings. When DW was home I was often the bad guy because I was the one trying to get her to shower, take medications, go to doctors appointments, ect. Now she is happy to see me when I visit (even though she no longer recognizes me as her husband) and we can enjoy the time we spend together. Good luck.

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Ernie123

I had to place my DW four years ago. Overall my experience was much the same as Joe C. Step back and let the staff settle in your mom when the move happens. I have seen many others come into the Memory Care facility during that time. My comment would be that the transition to care is usually far more difficult for the caregiver left at home than for the patient moving into care. It certainly was on my case. However, knowing that may be of comfort for your father, knowing his pain is worse than his DW’s. Rationally we may understand remaining at home as a couple is impossible. But the emotional strain of separation to find a better place of care makes that transition so difficult. Following the move expect that your father may “crash” after many months of stress and strain. Suddenly being alone with the burden of caregiving lifted may suggest relief but feelings of grief, guilt, loneliness, anxiety overwhelm any relief at first. I was counseled to accept that the responsibility of care was gone from me, shifted to the professional staff at the facility. I soon saw her care was amazing. She was treated with such thoroughness and compassion. She responded to the pleasant social environment and activities. Seeing her adjust so positively helped me in some ways, but I was still very lonely and , with hindsight, grieving. Now, four years in, I still visit daily. She sometimes recognizes me as familiar. I take her for walks in her wheelchair. She is very well cared for by dedicated staff. I see her smile at the PSW’s and that is worth a million dollars to me. Making the transition to care is the last difficult sacrifice your dad must make for the benefit of your mom. Yes, it will be hard for him but reassure him at is the best choice for them both in the long run.

harshedbuzz

BTDT. My situation is likely different than yours. Everyone's situation here seems to be the same but different.

My dad and I never shared an easy relationship which complicated my ability to advocate for placement as mom questioned my motives. I tried to appeal gently at first but had to ramp things up when that didn't work.

What I said to my mom first:

Dementia is going to kill dad. I can't change that. But it's also killing you and I don't want to lose you to dementia as well.

When that didn't work:

You are trying to do the work of 5 full-time MCF aides- and are failing. Dad is not a getting the care he deserves because you are no a person with whom he will cooperate in the role of caregiver. He won't submit easily to showers, changing of clothes, taking his medications as prescribed, eating meals or abstinence from alcohol because you are not the boss. Worse, he has lost his loving wife, because you can't be 2 people at once.

And when that didn't work:

He's killing you and he's not even benefiting from your martyrdom. When this kills you or incapacitates you to the point that you can't go on, I will put him in the very first place that will take him. I have already made arrangements with "BVSNF", and they will take him on-the-fly if I need to place him. If you die today, he will sleep there tonight.

The above, plus dad's murder-suicide ideation was enough to get her to agree.

My mom really struggled emotionally with this which led to a kind of inertia. I grilled everyone I knew who'd had any experience with MCFs about local options. My husband and I had toured a dozen places in the months before. I wanted a fully fleshed out Plan B in my pocket. I had narrowed the field to 3, I took mom to tour my favorites. She picked one, he was interviewed and not offered a room. We ended up at my first choice.

I shopped for his new room. We were using a fiblet that this would be a high-end private rehab facility, so I shopped for linens and decor to replicate a nice hotel. My husband and I set the room up. I also shopped for some new clothes and labeled all of his stuff ahead of the move. I delivered about 10 days worth of things to wear plus toiletries and had those ready ahead of the move.

The day of, I created a story of taking dad to see a new doctor and drove him there along with mom. It was an awful day and not something I would have let mom do alone. We did drop off just as they were having afternoon ice cream and an activity. The activities lady took him away and settled him in with 2 of the more personable residents and shooed us away.

That night I brought mom to my house, and we had dinner before driving her home. In the next 10 days, while dad settled in-- an ugly process that included threats and accusations (YMMV)-- I went with her on all visits to the MCF and maintained boundaries so that he couldn't get her back to his room or other private area and excoriate her. On the few occasions he got ugly, I spirited her out of there. After about 2 weeks, this behavior was gone and she was able to visit alone without him being nasty.

I also made sure I had her over for dinner or out for one a couple times a week. She found eating alone difficult and I wanted to make it fun for her. I still do. My mom moved back to the area when dad was diagnosed and has no real social circle here. She's 85 and doesn't have any really left where she used to live so that's not really an option. I'm it with DH and DS and occasional visits from my one niece. I also cook extra portions and bring her meals for those times when she really doesn't feel like making dinner for herself. It was lemon chicken & pilaf, chili & cornbread, and tomatoes from the local farm this week.

Dad got truly remarkable care at the MCF. He saw the staff there as professionals who were trying to help him get better and he was the model patient/resident. He did his PT, ate well, let them shower and change him. With this taken care of, mom was able to visit and just dote on him. We always brought some sort of treat-- maybe a serving of a favorite meal from home, a milk shake or even a strong hot coffee and donuts. He wasn't big on the activities, but he did enjoy the music programs and a few of the even family events held monthly with a DJ or some other professional entertainment. The only picture I have of him smiling in the last 5 years of his life was at their Valentine's party.

Wishing you all the best.

HB

LittleVolcano

Thank you so much to everyone who's responded so far. I'm definitely going to be sharing your words of encouragement and advice with Dad.

My gut says that Mom won't have too much of a problem with the transition (knock on wood). She doesn't know she's home now—either that or she's just saying "I want to go home" as a way to express general discomfort and confusion. Either way, she can do that anywhere. The recent near-blindness from giant cell arteritis is what we believe has really hastened her decline, and, yes, I certainly believe that being surrounded by professional caregivers will help her more than Dad and I can. We've also rallied a medical team that can come to either our house or the facility, should she need things that we can't take her in to the doctor for. And I have an appointment with palliative care as well, to focus on quality of life.

Me and my brothers are definitely going to stay close to Dad, because, yeah, I'm pretty sure he's going to crash. But I really hope that, with the more unpleasant tasks out of his hands, Mom will be happy to see him when he visits. I know that when I'm trying to get her to do something she doesn't want to do and she gets annoyed with me, then Dad is usually able to swoop in and be her hero (and vice versa—we go back and forth being good cop bad cop). I'm hoping that since the facility will be doing all the bad cop stuff, Mom will be nice to Dad for however much time she has left (the disease has taken chunks out of my father for 5 years now. I just want the disease to lay off of him for long enough to where Dad can have many good memories with her again).

Anyway, thanks again to everyone for your support. I really wish Dad could've found the support in this forum that I have over the years. I'll sneak some over to him today. :D