My Mom

Jadmyfav06

Hi. I'm new to this forum. I place my mom in a MC facility in May. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I still have guilty feelings about it that I'm trying to work through. She seems to be doing well right now. She is 74 years old. She has scoliosis and osteoporosis very bad but she is able to walk. She walks bent over and crooked. What is making me very sad is, tho she is physically well(no major problems), she is drastically declining with AD. She was diagnosed in 2016(was symptomatic for 2 years prior). I think she is in stage 6 of the disease. And the sad part now for me is that when I go visit her(2 to 3 times a week), she doesn't seem to recognize me anymore. She won't laugh with me, try to talk with me(she can't really use words or phrases/communicate much anyway) anymore. It's like I'm not even there. Is this normal for AD patients in facilities? It just makes me so emotional and I'm sad when leave from visiting her now. I feel like I'm losing her even more. My brain made the decision to place her in the facility, not my heart. So this is very tough.

Anonymousjpl123

Wow welcome to the forum and I am so so sorry you are struggling with this. Reading your post helped me so much. While I realize how hard it is watching your mom decline, please believe me that no matter what you did the decline would happen. It may look different.

I remember seeing memory care facilities and thinking my mom was way too soon to go there.

now, 11 months later, sometimes I visit her in AL and see her and realize she looks just like the people I “feared.” This disease causes the progression, not where we place our loved ones.

the more I care for my mom the more I realize on some level my desire to keep her from progressing is about me, not her. Focus on your mom being safe, comfortable, and cared for. Making the decision with your brain not your heart was 100% the right thing to do. In fact, it’s what I’m striving for in my decisions for my mom.

welcome to the forum you will find a lot of smart, good, first hand advice here.

M1

Welcome jad. Yes, unfortunately it's very common, but it is not the placement that did it to her--it's the disease progression. It's almost impossible not to want the "real" mom back---and you may get glimpses here and there, but there may also be mercy for her in the not knowing.

Not to be a "downer" here, but I would caution you against deceiving yourself that she is physically healthy. She has a fatal illness, and unfortunately with scoliosis and osteoporosis, she is at very, very high risk for falls and broken bones (my partner in MC also has severe congenital scoliosis, so I understand how painful that can be). Have you thought to yourself or asked the facility about a hospice evaluation? They may think it is too soon, if she is still ambulatory, but you don't have much to lose by asking. I'm sorry it's all so hard.

Jadmyfav06

Thank you for your suggestion. I had thought of hospice while she was living at home but not since her admittance to the facility. I'll look into it.

Peonie60

Hi Jadmy, this is a painful journey and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with it. I hope knowing that others have experienced it helps you a tiny bit.

My mom also doesn’t know who I am. Her short term memory is gone so she also doesn’t remember I’ve been there to visit. At this stage, we have to live in the moment, doing what we can to make our moms happy right now. I take her cookies, take her for short walks inside or outside, play music that she likes, look at photo albums or picture books. Sometimes I read to her, the same book chapter over and over. If I can make her happy in that moment, then it’s been a good visit for her. It’s heartbreaking for me, but this is all I can do for her.

Take care.

kwdenniston

Hi Jad. Like the others, I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm facing the same guilt you are, especially since I promised my dad as he was dying that I'd take care of mom. Unfortunately our emotions come to us first and logic second. I've had to learn to push the emotions to the side and think what really is best for her and not what she wants. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done and believe me, I fail some of the time, but I keep trying and it is slowly getting easier. We are programmed to be fixers, and we can't fix this.