Mom wants to change her will

Chris1300

Hello,

Please bear with me as it's my first time posting. My mom is 91, and was recently diagnosed with moderately severe dementia. My dad died of pancreatic cancer in March, and this is the first time she has lived alone in 68 years. We have noticed signs of forgetfulness and unreasonable paranoia for the last couple of years, but as long as my dad was there to provide balance and stability, she did okay. She functions well in a continuous care community in her own apartment and has a small dog that she takes appropriate care of. I and my sister-in-law check on her twice a day and walk the dog. My question is, she has become very focused on her financial affairs, and the trust and will that she and my dad made up 10 years ago. She is now bringing up a niece and nephew that she was never particularly close to and wanting to leave them significant amounts of money, this would involve changing the trust. When she was diagnosed with dementia in June, the neurologist said that she should not be making any financial decisions. When she brings up this new idea of leaving money to her niece and nephew, I have assured her that I and my brother will respect her wishes when she is gone , and that she simply needs to write down what she wants to happen. She has done this. But she will circle back around to this issue almost daily and wants to see her lawyer to change the trust. I guess my question is, do I tell her that the doctor said that she has dementia and can't make these kinds of financial decisions? Will it make a difference if I tell her this? If we take her to the lawyer, then everyone in the room will know she has dementia except her. Any suggestions for how to handle this?

Thanks!

Chris

mommyandme (m&m)

Hi Chris, welcome but sorry for these struggles and… the loss of your dad! This is all very hard.

My first thoughts are one…not to take her to the lawyer. second… don’t try to reason with her about what her doctor said. third…wonder if “therapeutic lies” (fiblets) are in order at this stage and with this issue. Possibly tell her she’s taken care of all that and her niece and nephew are accounted for and are included. If that’s not an option or even if it is, maybe the lawyer can be informed of what’s going on and a phone call from the lawyer might reassure her and possibly make her feel she’s had that appointment. More fiblets but maybe they’ll help? Financial paranoia is pretty common with our demented LOs, at least for a bit. She may move on from this obsession and validating her feelings until she does could help everyone.

Again sorry for all your dealing with.

harshedbuzz

@Chris1300

This sort of behavior is fairly typical in the middle stages of dementia-- being detached from reality (she may be thinking of these two cousins as little kids, she may think she's got enough money to make a big difference in the lives of all her family) and being hyper-focused/paranoid about money. My dad did both and it was very tiresome.

It sounds like she is beyond competent to make a decision to re-write the existing trust although that's the lawyer's call around legal matters, so I wouldn't risk taking her in. My mom would have liked to have dad's will re-done. Dad wrote it right after my late sister died. He wrote it so my sister's kids would get a share of the estate but specifically excluded my son. At the time he died, my one niece was in prison again and he hadn't seen her in 10 years. His lawyer tried to get dad to reconsider but he wasn't having it. The CELA refused to participate but someone less scrupulous might be happy to take mom on as a client especially if she was showtiming.

I also wonder if she's in the right living situation. She may have too much unstructured time alone which is leading to her paranoia and suspicion. IME, a PWD living in an IL or AL setting tends to be ignored and marginalized-- at best, my aunt was bullied by other women-- by other residents who aren't interested in interacting with those who've had a cognitive shift. She might do better in a MC unit with more dementia-informed care and activities to structure her day and keep her too busy too ruminate.

HB

Chris1300

Many thanks to both of you for your thoughtful replies. I have avoided using the term dementia with mom, out of not wanting to distress her; if she's had an obvious gap in her memory then I might mention that she has "memory issues" and I refer to the neurologist as her "memory doctor". But she is still sharp enough to look at her copy of the trust and see that her nephew and niece are not in there; she's capable of looking up the lawyers number and calling herself. She might not bring it up at all later today when I see her but be totally fixated on it again in the morning. I really want to just say to her, "Mom, the neurologist said that you have dementia and cannot make these types of decisions, it's best to leave things the way that you and dad decided 10 years ago". Would that just ramp her up? If I just listen to her it seems like I'm agreeing with her. And she's is not so far gone that she's easily redirected.

I agree that she needs more human contact. But if she moves to AL or MC she will have to give up the dog. After losing my dad recently (and she's not forgotten that) I hate to do that to her and I'm sure she'd resist.

What is show timing?

harshedbuzz

@Chris1300

I think it's important to remember that dementia is about more than memory loss. Even in the very early stages there can be significant changes in personality and losses around both executive function and empathy. She may have already developed anosognosia which is a common condition where in a PWD is unable to appreciate their losses in cognition and ability to function. In their minds, they're just as sharp as capable as ever.

Anosognosia is why trying to explain or reason with PWD is futile. Her reality is that she's just dandy and you stating otherwise will just feel like you're gaslighting and can't be trusted. Showtiming is when PWD gets it together briefly, usually around doctors or family who see her only occasionally, making it appear she is much more with it than sheis. Dad could showtime like an Oscar contender.

I suspect you feel she's more capable than she actually is. Part of this might be related to the subtle scaffolding your dad provided before he passed and some of it might be some remaining skills like being able to read. And part of it is likely the rose-tinted goggles we loving family members wear. If she still had the executive function of someone who isn't living with dementia, she wouldn't be discussing the Will-- she'd have called her lawyer, scheduled an appointment and gotten herself an Uber to take her on the appropriate day and it would be done. I have a friend who needed to obtain guardianship of his dad at a point where dad (a retired scientist) had enough bandwidth to actually hire a lawyer to defend himself. My friend still prevailed.

I can't really say whether a PWD should be told. My dad's neurologists both told him he had dementia and that he could no longer drive or manage his finances. He had mixed dementia and one form was somewhat amenable to treatment with an abstinent lifestyle so him knowing made sense. Had he just had Alzheimer's I might not feel that way. Early on when my mom was still in her angry phase she would remind him not just that he had dementia but that he couldn't do what he wanted because of it. It didn't go well and she soon learned to couch the "memory issue" as something that we hoped would improve when he brought up driving or his finances.

When dad became hyperfocused on his finances-- and with good reason, he'd lost $360K daytrading earlier in the disease which he blamed on me-- I removed anything money related to help him stop ruminating on it. Medication helped a lot, too. In your shoes, I might disappear the documents and anything like investment or banking statements that could be triggering this. Do you have the legal ability to act on her behalf? If not, you need to fix that asap.

It sounds gut wrenching to take the dog away on top of everything else. I can appreciate that would be a painful decision. I would keep a close watch on things, many PWD do eventually lose the ability to properly care for their pets who suffer needlessly.

HB

M1

Chris this has also been an issue in our situation, and continues to be, although less so now as the dementia advances. My partner was always very finanicially savvy and did well for herself. She started having signs of dementia nine years ago--and one of the first was when she couldn't figure out how to open a bank account for a nephew, when she had routinely opened and closed multiple accounts for her business for thirty years (she was a custom contractor). As the dementia advanced, she ruined an existing will (unbeknownst to me and before i had invoked my powers of attorney) by making undated, unsigned, handwritten changes to the original. After a sister's death in the winter of 2021 and when she was a solid stage 4, she wanted to write a new will, and with the help of a long-time accountant who was very familiar with our situation and her wishes, we did so. But then there were a few further tweaks she wanted to make (sub-clause kind of issues), and when we went back to the attorney to make these adjustments, she took me aside and said she didn't think she could approve any further changes because it wasn't clear that my partner could remember them. I couldn't disagree. I took that original and hid it, and gave her a copy, telling her it was the original. that was over two years ago--and to this day, now in her second year of memory care, she will ask me if her will is up to date and if our cabin tenant has paid his rent (he's never missed a month since 2008).

Long way of saying: I would just listen to her and not respond, if you can. Distract, reflect, whatever you have to do. By the way, since her dementia diagnosis is recent: do you have power of attorney? You likely need to have it. If you talk to the attorney about anything, that should be it.

Anonymousjpl123

Just want to second what others have said about power of attorney. This diseases progression can be quick, it is definitely something you want to do now while she still can. Perhaps you can talk to an attorney and explain the circumstances first. thats what I did. By the time my mom and I went in, he knew the situation and was able to handle it accordingly.

In our case, since I too had just lost my dad (causing my moms rapid decline after a 60 year marriage), I told the attorney well in advance she was still cognizant enough to understand POA and what was being signed in the will, but barely, and that’s why I had recommended no major changes. He knew what to expect going into our meeting. He was able to lead the conversation with her in a matter of fact way that kept things simple, without disregarding her feelings.

My mom had contemplated changing the will, but I was able to deflect her. If you cannot, maybe you can tell her that you want to be thorough and go a step at a time. Tell her you want to get all paperwork updated, then make any changes. it may seem like it won’t work, but it might. These fiblets are key, especially in the advanced stages. You know your mom best in terms of the timing, but these are the right things to be thinking about.

Chris1300

I so appreciate the detailed replies and the examples given of your own situation. HB, you are so right about the rose colored glasses and the wishful thinking. I am still grieving the loss of my dad and now am watching my mom disappear while she's still here.

I have one sibling, and since I am an RN and he is in business, I handle to medical stuff, he handles the finances. My parents have a trust they made out 10 years ago; my brother is the executor of their wills. He also has POA ( I have POA for healthcare), but when he talked recently to Mom's lawyer who drew up the trust, the lawyer said the POA was for property only. This makes no sense to me, as they do not own property and didn't when they made the trust. Mom is suspicious of my brother and now me, and I doubt that she would sign a new POA at this point. She would notice immediately if anything financial was taken out of her apartment, even though she doesn't have the executive function to understand her bank statements she tries to balance her checkbook. I seriously need to take a class in creating fiblets, I'm way too honest. Tactful, but honest.

Thanks again everyone

CaliforniaGirl-1

I want to echo what others have said. One of the toughest things about dealing with a parent with dementia is getting out of the habit of trying to explain and convince them of things and get them to agree, Those capabilities are gone. Even if you do explain, they won't remember. Try and deflect her, or get her to write down her wishes and keep a copy you can show her.

A reputable lawyer will not take instructions from someone who can't understand what they are doing in terms of PofA and Wills and Trusts. Good elder attorneys are used to working with the person to do their best even when they have some neurological deficits, if they can understand what they are doing and why. But sometimes the ship has sailed and they can no longer give a lawyer valid instructions and you need to pursue another path.