Trying to help mom cope with dad

Oana

Hi, Just signed up. Dad probably started showing symptoms about 6 years ago, but seems to be accelerating last 18 months. My mom is overwhelmed, feels uncomfortable talking about him to any friends/ family about this besides myself. She has distanced herself from everyone and has no patience with my dad. I listen to her complain about him daily, but have no real good advice. Was hoping to find an in person group for her? I would attend with her a few times. Hoping that if she hears from others in the same situation she could share and maybe be more understanding.
Thoughts?

Ed1937

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear that dementia has hit your family too. Absolutely check out local forums so you can both attend. If you can get her to go to a meeting or two, she'll probably start talking more about it. She actually needs to talk to someone who can understand. You can also send her to this forum. She doesn't even have to sign up unless she wants to post. She can read all she wants. I have a feeling if she reads a lot of posts here she will sign up because it is really a good forum.

ButterflyWings

Oana - welcome, and I am sorry that you need to join us here. It is a good group of fellow travelers on this dementia journey though.

Here are a couple of items for your mom There are some important things to learn that can make the shock and pain a little easier for all.

1-Some bullet points about the things he may be experiencing, and how to handle them with compassion:

https://www.vha.ca/2021/compassionate-care-strategies-using-the-7-as-of-dementia/#:~:text=The%207%20'A's%20of%20Dementia%2C%20or%20anosognosia%2C%20amnesia%2C,opens%20in%20a%20new%20tab).

2- A free e-book article most of us swear by as probably the best there is, to understand the dementia experience (that's the title too).

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Lola V

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/180094#Comment_180094

I can vouch for this. I wasn’t going to sign up, until I saw how caring and helpful everyone is. So glad I came here!

harshedbuzz

What you are suggesting was the single most useful thing I did for my mom when dad was diagnosed. She's not a tech savvy person, so this place wouldn't work for her, but an IRL circle of others who are in the trenches with her? It was awesome.

She used to blow off my suggestions around validation, redirection and de-escalating his agitation meaning I'd get a call to come over and throw cold water on the pair of them. But when her peers supported, shamed, and commiserated with her, she rose to the challenge and really grew in the role of caregiver.

This also helped.

Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)

HB

CindyBum

Butterflywings in the another thread posted this. Maybe it will help you find some resources for your mom?

 I don't know if you have seen this link on the ALZConnected Resources tab, (Solutions Center) above - but maybe it will help to input your zip code and see if there is anything or anyone that interests you. https://www.communityresourcefinder.org/

Oana

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/180125#Comment_180125

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/180108#Comment_180108

Great suggestion on the book! I read this weekend and giving it to my mom tomorrow, I hope she reads it, will share if she does.

SDianeL

Welcome. You are in the right place for help. A nurse recommended that I get the book "The 36 Hour Day" and it helped me so much. That book and this forum is my lifeline. My DH was diagnosed 2 years ago. My sister also has dementia. I told them about the book because they were calling my sister "stubborn" and after I read the book I told them she wasn't stubborn, she had dementia and can no longer reason. Someone on this forum posted something that helped. It said "you can't reason with someone whose reasoner is broken" or something like that. A group would help her I think if she's not able to do this forum. There are many videos online you can have her watch if the group doesn't work out. Please stay in touch and keep us posted.