Parent diagnosed in January

LBS

Hi I am new here and feeling completely overwhelmed! My mother was diagnosed in January but the woman that tested my mother felt she has had Alz. for awhile.

I am one of four siblings and 3 of the 4 live in the same city. We have divided up between us each taking a day or a portion of a day to help my mom. Errands, outings, a meal etc. She is getting increasingly more and more demanding and I feel I get the brunt of this because I give the most time. My mom wants absolutely nothing to do with eventually living outside her home and I understand her feelings with regard to this however, none of my sisters are in a position to handle her care if her progression becomes as bad as it sounds nor do I! I still work as does my younger sister and I now spend the winters out of state. Each of us has limited time and it's been working well so far but none of us will have the time to give 24 hour care!
My mother has always been very demanding prior to getting this illness but this has increased exponentially. It isn't easy caring for her especially when it's often never enough. I am happy and willing to help but I also have a very full life with my own family, husband, work, my adult children and my 5 grandchildren. They are all extremely important to me and I want to be able to spend this time with them. I am finally at a point in my life at 61 that I have actual time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I could elaborate more but feeling completely overwhelmed! How on earth do we navigate this? Help?

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome @LBS.

I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

The bottom line is that you and your sibs will likely need to move mom into a care facility fairly soon. The person with the diseased brain doesn't get to make decisions that completely upend the entire family's lives. can you and the sibs have a frank conversation about next steps? Once you head south for the winter, the onus of care will be on only 2 people and I am sure they'll burn out and potentially feel resentful. It might be better for family unity to make this happen sooner rather than later. Does anyone have her POA?

She has a wish to stay in her home, but unless she's also got a fully fleshed out plan to do so-- LTC insurance or nearly unlimited liquid assets to pay for round-the-clock care-- it's just a wish.

I can appreciate that she doesn't want to move. You won't be doing this to her, the disease is the one taking away her autonomy. You and your sibs will need to use work around fiblets to make it happen. You may find she does fairly well with a structured schedule full of dementia-informed activities and staff waiting on her.

HB

LBS

HB,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to me! It meant more than you’ll know. I really appreciate the suggestions and thoughts. It helps me to make some sense of our situation!

Thank you again!