“Make friends with grief”

Jeff86

Yesterday was a hard day. I attended a memorial services for a work colleague who took his life two weeks ago, ending his suffering from major depressive disorder. A devastating loss of a wonderful, gentle man, only 42 years old, who left behind a wife and two young children.

The pastor offered a couple of thoughts that are relevant for those of us who are in the AD caregiver trenches.

The first is to make friends with grief. We can’t get around it or avoid it and it doesn’t go away. So we have to learn to live with it. This is the ambiguous loss and anticipatory grief that Pauline Boss has written about with such profundity.

I say of grief that it always walks with me. Sometimes a step or two behind me, sometimes a little in front of me, and sometimes right by my side. It is always present.

The second takeaway from the service of relevance is no what-ifs. No torturing ourselves with thoughts of what if I only did this or that, if I tried this medication or tried that doctor.

All the psychiatrists and medicines and ECT treatments couldn’t save my colleague and friend from his mental illness. And all of our love and caregiving cannot and will not save our LOs from the devastating progression and ultimate fatality of AD.

So, fellow caregivers, be kind to yourselves. We are all doing the best we can in a losing battle. And if you find it hard to make friends with grief, perhaps you can make peace with it.

Ed1937

That's a powerful post, Jeff. Thank you.

Denise1847

Thank you Jeff! So true.

A. Marie

Very wise words, all of them. Thank you for posting this, Jeff.

harshedbuzz

Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your colleague. Thanks you for taking the time to share this post.

HB

toolbeltexpert

Jeff I am sorry for your friends loss, I have known to many that found death the only peace they could find. It's hard is all I can say.

M1

So sad Jeff. Sounds like the speaker/pastor gave a very thoughtful speech. Thank you for this.

Mint

I’m so sorry for your loss. Depression is another hard disease, for those living with it and those that love them. My dad fought this battle and lost it too. Thinking of all of you.

Joydean

Jeff so sorry to hear about your friend! Thank you for sharing what the pastor said about grief. They are words to ponder for sure.

Beachfan

Jeff,

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. The officiating pastor was wise, indeed, and you are so right about his thoughts/advice being relevant to AD caregivers. I’d like to think that variations on those themes helped me to navigate over the past 13 years. I’ve often said that I have grieved the loss of DH, little by little, since his initial diagnosis in May, 2010. Along the way, I hoped for the best, but planned for the worst. And for as long as I’ve known DH, I was always determined that, however long (or short) we were together, at the end there would be no regrets. We were in no way the stuff of a Hallmark movie, but he was my first, last, and only true love and I miss him with every fiber of my being. But I eased into losing him and found peace along the way. Know that I am thinking of you, Jeff, and everyone still traveling this heartbreaking journey. There is life after Alzheimer’s.