Dad (primary) starting to sound impatient with me (secondary)

LittleVolcano

Hello!

Secondary caregiver/daughter here with questions about some new family discord that's forming between me and my father, who's the primary for my mother who has moderate/severe dementia ("probably" Alzheimers) as well as recently diagnosed giant cell arteritis.

Recently Dad has started sounding impatient with me, and I'm trying to figure out how to be sensitive with him, but also retain my boundaries that it's not acceptable to get snippy with me, no matter how exhausted he is. Background: We've been scared that we were going to lose Mom over the past couple weeks, so tension over that is high right now. I personally feel like she's leveling off, but I think Dad is still on edge.

I don't have time for a long explanation, unfortunately, but he's started to give me this impatient/sarcastic "I got it!" vibe (as in, "I can care for Mom myself, and you can go do your sissy self care and caregiver therapy crap, ok?"). And I know how exhausted he is (he's not taking care of himself right now no matter how much he says he is), but I can't let him talk to me like that, because I'm at the end of my rope too. Do I have a right to request that he speak to me respectfully? Or do I have to suck it up (which, I'll be honest, I don't have the energy for) because he's the primary and is getting the worst of it?

In the past, I felt like we were a team, but now that we're approaching 24/7 care issues and he has to make the decision between a board at home facility vs bringing in caregivers to the home, I feel like he's getting mad at me for trying to get information about either choice (he's starting to make decisions without telling me, which is absolutely fine, but, I don't know, I just feel like I"m being pushed away, which is also totally fine, but I refuse to be treated badly in the process based on how much I've contributed all these years and especially now).

Anyway, I"m not the first person to be in this situation. I posted this in the spouses forum as well cuz I want their input too.

(And we are trying to either bring in more care or place Mom in a local board and care. I've been trying to get as much information for Dad about each scenario as possible because he gets panicky and doesn't know which choice to make at this time. But in the interim we'll be pressing our once a week caregiver to see if she can contribute more hours per week, which will hopefully release a little pressure)

Thoughts?

Quilting brings calm

i think you might be stepping on his toes, so to speak. You are wanting to make decisions and do research that he feels are his to make. I certainly wouldn’t appreciate my son trying to overrule me ( or think he has a vote) in my spouse’s care when the time comes - as long as I was capable of making the decisions. It’s also possible that you are doing and then mentioning self care and therapy which he has absolutely no time to do for himself. He may think that’s a little inconsiderate

why don’t you just ask him what he needs from you instead of doing what you think he wants? ‘ Dad- do you want me to research facilities or would you like me to stay with mom while you go tour a couple? Or maybe you have some other thing you’d like me to do so you can do something else?

Is it possible that he thinks you are getting ‘a little snippy’ with him? As both a daughter and a parent of adult sons, I can state that parents don’t take kindly to their adult offspring acting disrespectfully toward them or implying that they are old. Even if they are

Lastly- maybe he just needs some time alone with your mom? Too many ‘cooks in the kitchen’ might be stressing him out.