Both parents have dementia

mpang123

I'm new here. My dad has dementia and recently fractured his spine and fractured pelvis. Went to rehab and now slowly recuperating. He wants to drive again and I'm terrified of it. He uses a wheelchair but he's learning to walk while pushing the wheelchair around. I feel he is a flight risk. My mom also has dementia. Her memory is declining fast and gets confused about many things. I have a handful taking care of both my parents. I don't live with them but I visit them 2 or 3 times a week. I give them rides to doctor appointments, do their grocery shopping, take them to banks or places of business, and help with administrative duties. They are stubborn and I'm trying to take care of them as best as I can. I look forward to getting support and insight to how to help my parents.

mpang123

My mom is trying to take care of my dad but they both have dementia. I found out my mom has been messing with my dad's med box. She can't understand what meds to give him and as a result, my dad was given wrong doses or not taking meds he needs. I told her not to touch his med box anymore and I will fill it myself weekly. If needs be, I will take his meds with me and just leave the med box filled for the week.

housefinch

It sounds like they need more support assisted living at a minimum but potentially memory care. They both sound like they can no longer live unsupervised safely. And no driving again. I’m sorry. See what other people think. That’s my first thought reading about their functioning.

mpang123

My dad is in palliative care but not yet hospice care. Right now he just sees a palliative social worker and doctor to monitor his progress. When he qualifies for hospice, more services will be offered. My dad has been refusing home health care. My mom thinks she can take care of dad but her dementia affects her memory and confusion. I suggested hiring provider services to take care of both of them but they say they can't afford it. They have properties and assets but they won't use them for their own care. My nephew is the beneficiary of their will. I wish they could set aside money for their care so I could be relieved from being their soul provider.

JeriLynn66

I’m sorry you are dealing with this… it sounds to me both parents need more supervision. Who has the POA for healthcare and finances now?

mpang123

We talked to the palliative care doctor about POA but she said it's too late cuz of their dementia. Otherwise my nephew could have POA. He is listed in their will. I can't have any assets because I am disabled and have Medicaid. I'm gonna ask the doctor again about why they can't get a POA. It would help a lot.

Emily 123

Hi mpang,

They have to have the capacity to make the decision about the POA--if they both have been diagnosed with dementia then they would legally lack the capacity to make that call.

Nephew could pursue guardianship, then have control of their finances to provide care for them.

mpang123

Ok. I will see what could be done.

mpang123

My mom drafted the will and made my nephew as beneficiary of most of my parents assets. My nephew is assigned to provide for me financially when my parents pass. But the arrangement is based on a trust basis. I have to trust that he will support me when I need it. However, the will has not been revealed to my nephew officially but he knows about the plan. Nothing is finalized yet. I'm not sure if my nephew has the power to make decisions for my parents medically such as placing them in homes when the time comes. There's still some planning to be done.

mpang123

I plan to consult with the palliative social worker about my concerns.

mpang123

I'm in a dilemma. My dad is 88 and my mom is 82. Both have dementia. My mom doesn't want me to relate anything about her to my sister or other people. She tells me I'm betraying her by sharing information she confides in me. I really wish I could share my parent's well being with my sister so she can help me with my burden. My mom doesn't want my sister to know about financial issues and I can't tell her how my parents are doing... especially not the bad parts. I want to discuss certain concerns I have about their well being with the palliative care doctor and social worker but I'm afraid my mom will get very upset. I want to discuss to the care team confidentially but how do I do that? It's not fair that I'm stuck in the middle. I'm the one trying to care for my parents while my sister lives in Michigan and I can't freely communicate with my sister or the palliative care team because my mom doesn't want them to know anything. There is much to discuss. I can't do this by myself.

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