Feeling resentful/tired

Cindy Rybkowski

My 92 year old mother with dementia lives with my husband and me. We both have full time jobs. I've had to hire a caregiver while we work 40 hours/week. I am an only child, so no siblings to help. My only child (daughter) lives on the east coast. (we live in CA) I just find myself so burnt out....resentful, tired. I do the morning and evening routine with my mom during the week and everything on the weekends. My husband and I can't go anywhere together....one of needs to stay home on the weekends while the other run errands. My husband is 66 and I'm 62....I feel like we're losing so much of our life right now. I believe my mom is in stage 6, but I'm not ready to put her in a skilled nursing facility yet because she still is mobile and likes to get out of the house. Although her walking is very limited due to a very bad arthritic knee. I also have her with hospice and they do bathe her once/twice per week which helps me out. I guess I'm venting, but it's nice to know there are people out there that understand.

times2

I also am an only child and my husband and I take care of my dad at home. It is tough. We are fortunate that I am able to work per diem but I do at times resent that we can't do all the things we want to do because of our responsibilities to dad. Life gets in the way of our plans sometimes.

A friend of mine had something posted on his FB page that really kind of hit home to me...

"One of the secrets of life is learning how to care about/for something/someone without toxic guilt. Toxic guilt is the feeling of being overwhelmed with guilt where you become paralyzed or self abusive. These states do no one any good. Be responsible for yourself, care for others, learn and grow from the bumps in the road, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn and move on with your life."

I take this to mean that we need to take care of ourselves and not feel guilty about doing things for ourselves. If taking care of yourself means bringing in a home health aid/companion so that you can have time for yourselves, then that's what you should do and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. If you get to the point where you are so burnt out that you resent what you are doing, what is that doing to your relationship with mom? And what is that also doing to your relationship with your husband? I know you said you're not ready to put her in a nursing facility, but what about an assisted living facility or a memory care facility where she can still go on outings?