I Did Exactly What I Shouldn’t Do

Jami Boyle

The most productive thing out of my mouth, after dinner, last night was not for my DH, it was for me. But it triggered him into a juvenile stance. I told him I wanted him to know how much pain I am in. You can imagine the downward spiral this caused. It was like I was desperately trying to hold on to something or create something useful to hang on to… but for me. I lost him. I didn’t convince him, couldn’t locate compassion in him and was left with a deeper GRIEF for myself only now with a pouty man walking around. And to think I had such a good day, guided meditation on surrender and a practice run on an electric bike. I even went to the library and got a new book to read aloud (I read, he listens. Our cheap entertainment for years.). I also got him some local, hand-packed French Vanilla ice cream, his favorite. I was really trying to be more kind to him yesterday, more go with the flow, more special moments together. Then I did that and it back fired. God help me.

Ed1937

Jami, you're doing a great job. I doubt there's anyone here who hasn't made things worse for themselves during this trip. I hope you can have a good day today.

M1

Jami, sounds like what you did is what any of us would do in a "normal" situation--you sought comfort from your spouse, you have likely done this a million times in the past. It is a bitter lesson and a huge part of the loss when you realize that you can no longer do that. This is the aspect of the disease in which you lose the relationship way before you lose their physical presence. it takes a lot of time for the change of the dynamics to become more automatic.

It is somewhat similar to divorce (been through that too, a long time ago)--whether you are the initiator of the separation or not, you can no longer communicate or act as a couple. In this case it is the disease that has changed your partner out from under you, and it is very, very painful. Don't blame yourself.

Beachfan

It’s over; he’s probably forgotten already. Don’t beat yourself up. Start fresh today. Stay strong.

toolbeltexpert

All the others articulated it well about this loss of the person you've relied on when you needed him. I learned that my dw wouldn't remember anything after a while. Now it's only a minute or less.

I know how hard you worked for that good day, it sounded so much like what I used to do, now my dw is in a mcf and I still work for her to have a good day though it's much different now.

Your doing great!

Stewart

upstateAnn

It is so hard to realize your DH is no longer emotionally available. It is not his fault to be unable to comfort you. It is not your fault to want and try to have what is no longer there. I am still, months afte4 the diagnosis, still grappling with this. Beat wishes.

Jami Boyle

Thank you all. Looks like I’m back to tears today

SDianeL

Jamie, you are human. When you are in pain you want comfort. Sadly our DHs can no longer give that. One of the worst things about this disease is my DH's loss of emotion. No empathy, no sympathy. Zero. You will still do these things because you're not perfect. You're doing a great job. If he had emotions he would tell you that. My husband's daughter told me yesterday that she was sorry I was having to go through this with her Dad. I said that he would do the same for me. I sincerely believe that. Someone on here posted something that helps me. You can't reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Your DH does not know how to process your pain or feel empathy for you. Plus he won't remember it later so forgive yourself and work on tomorrow. We're here for you.

Denise1847

Hi Jamie. We all have made the mistake of trying to share our feelings with our spouses only to be totally shocked by their reactions. As others have said, the good news in that he doesn't even remember it. You are in need of expressing your pain to someone, whether it be a friend, a counselor or the forum here. This is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. Some days, I don't think I can take another day, but then I snap out of it and forge ahead. Hang in there. You are doing your best and that is good enough.

gampiano

Hi Jamie,

I started to tear up when i read your post, as i saw myself! Sometimes i just rant to the air and of course my husband is in the room. He feel the anger {or not} and walks away and goes to bed. Then i feel terrible for the rest of the day. This is worse for us than it is for them, because we have memory. I also realize now that in the past few years when we would have "spats", he would always act as if nothing had happened and shrug things off. Now i know that that was dementia 101. We are holding up ourselves, our spouses, our household and all that it entails. And, I might add, that there are millions of us, getting little support, who are holding the healthcare system together. Why wouldn't we break down once in awhile?

In your corner,

Maureen

Jami Boyle

Wow, your words Maureen speak for so many. Yes, we are holding things up and because of that we have it harder. “Feel my pain!!!!!!”

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m exhausted but I managed to test ride an electric bike again today AND, when I came home, I watched 3-4 episodes of Teeopa Snow. It was so beneficial. Thank you again for your raw, honest, emotion. One freaking step at a time

Deb2322

Jami-

Your post made me aware of another dementia component-thank you so much! I've noticed when I am sharing/looking for a response/ranting a lot of times he just sits there or walks away. I wondered if he was TRYING to get me to leave him. Now I get it. I don't like it, but I can find a way to handle it.

JC5

Not sure what stage DH is in but really does it matter? I keep excepting him to be him and even though I intellectually know he will not be that person again , I haven’t accepted that and I get upset with him then after realize how absurd that is and then the guilt. Working on it each day

Babey49

I know what you are going through. My boyfriend is losing empathy and I realized a while back that it would continue to get worse. I have gotten to the point when we have a disagreement, I no longer expect him to understand. His mind is changed, and I know will continue to get worse. I have managed to learn to detach myself during these situations. I ask myself will his behavior burn the house down or harm someone physically. If the answer is no, then I let it go. Usually, he forgets and moves on.

FAHNJL

You didn't do anything wrong. I have to ask myself a hundred times a day - what is the next right thing? I have yet to have a perfect day. 😂