Caregiving and working full time

Anonymousjpl123

Hi everyone - so far my mom is fine on MC. Waiting on appt with neurosurgeon to see if she’s a shunt candidate. She calls 10 times a day but is still so disoriented and relieved she has a safe place with her crucial and precious belongings (books, pictures, paintings) she is ok.

Now I’m worried because I had to take off last Thursday and Friday and now Monday Thursday Friday of this week. It’s been a lot with her. I’m not taking FMLA because I really think I can get through this now.

I know there are full time caregivers and for me, burnout and job loss make sense in that scenario. But I’m getting my mom great care. Im the only immediate family caregiver and it still feels like a lot.

I have a job I love and feel worried they are getting frustrated my performance has suffered and I’ve been so overwhelmed. Any advice on finding some balance?

Emily 123

Hi,

Your PTO is yours to take as long as they grant it. But if your PTO has been used up and you're declining to use FMLA it's leaving them with a gap to fill.

Sounds like you should have a conversation with your direct manager. I wouldn't assume frustration on their part. Better to discuss what their expectations are.

Once you know then you can better plan what a good balance might look like. with mom in MC she should be having a lot of oversight.

Anonymousjpl123

Thank you @Emily 123 for the perspective and response. I did talk with my boss and she was very affirming - take as much time as you need, etc. It’s just the past 3 weeks have been where the problem is - several crises with my mom required me to take off suddenly, before she switched to memory care last Friday.

This week is really me trying to shore things up for her - see what neurosurgeon says, get her settled, etc. I technically will still have 1 day left of PTO after this week.

I have like 4 weeks of unused vacation days. so that’s where I wasn’t sure when FMLA kicks in (since I could technically use vacation days).

It’s so much am I missing eligible to the time as much as it is me praying I can find a way to let the professionals take over now that she is getting very high quality top notch care. This kind of took over my life.

Emily 123

Not sure of your HR policy, but many places would expect you to drain your vacation days before starting FMLA. Can you check your policies online? Otherwise, your manager will know.

Sometimes for your own sake you need to step back and let the process move along. You can’t be there for your mom if you’re exhausted. Some of those vacation days should be used soon just to take a breather here or there. Understanding how the disease affects our loved ones helps. This forum was a huge help to me because the more I read, the more I realised that some things weren’t unique to my mom, and that some behaviors weren’t fixable, they were a manifestation of how the disease progressed.

What did you used to like to do? I like being outside. I found that taking a walk around dinnertime really helped.

Anonymousjpl123

i think they will expect that - they are not questioning whether I am entitled to the time, it’s just me figuring out how the work will all get done. Today, with mom settling into MC so beautifully, I finalized meds/paperwork and actually got a haircut and massage.

I pray she can stay in MC because she seems so much happier and I can envision returning some amount of focus on my own life.

i love your idea of a walk in nature every evening. Im going to try to get back to the gym.

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Anonymousjpl123

Thank you so much for the sage advice @Victoria2020 . It is so so so true. She is better in MC but now, as she is coming down from the hospital visit, is finding all the things she doesn’t like about it. Most importantly that she doesn’t have a lock on the door, which I totally get.

And you are 💯 spot on about work. I have finally stopped talking/freaking out about my mom the past 2 days I’ve been back. Im so grateful to have this job because people have known me before the crap hit the fan with mom so to speak.

My biggest fear now is how tomorrows appt with the neurosurgeon will go. I had to fill out a pre questionnaire for my mom and (maybe I shouldn’t have done this) asked her some of the questions. According to her, her health is a 90 on a scale of 0 to 100.

I’m actually now more terrified she’ll end I’m up back in AL and I’ll be walking that horrible tight rope again. my friends pointed out to me that having to move her from one floor to another won’t be such a nightmare, and I have to take things one day a time. #truth.

Here’s praying she gets a break tomorrow and that I do as well.