Anniversary?

CorrieG

So, our anniversary is in a few days and I'm considering not celebrating it. I just went all out for his birthday which was a lot of work. My DH often gets depressed because he can't buy me anything. (I guess Disability money isn't 'real money' that comes from a job and besides, I control all of the money, anyway.)

Also, he is often unpleasant- a 13 year old rude and belligerent boy to me. He has a crush on my sister and is very awkward (not physically, only verbally) about it. Except for hugs, I feel physically repelled by him and I just don't feel like celebrating.

However, if he realizes what day it is, he might become upset. Maybe order door dash and call it good.

ghphotog

I'd call it good. My DW doesn't about those days anymore but I try to still do a little something but I'm never in trouble anymore if I forget or am late. :)

In your case I wouldn't feel like celebrating as well. Order out and call it good. Maybe get a card and keep it hidden just in case he asks for it, otherwise see if it will blow by unnoticed.

Howaboutnow

I would say do whatever feels more bearable to you. Our anniversary is tomorrow. I may mention it, i may not. Reason for: it would give us 20 seconds of connection (or at least for me, he doesn’t remember our history). Reason against it: I’m not a celebrator in general plus I’m not all that into marking passing time anymore…life seems like it’s in a cruel holding pattern ever since dementia.

I’m sorry days like this can be difficult or disappointing. I’ll reiterate, do what would feel best to you. Honestly, maybe that means getting some alone time doing something you can enjoy independently.

Ed1937

I'd say do door dash. Maybe later on, put on some music that you both like, and try to make the best of it.

ButterflyWings

Add my vote to the Door Dash column. Especially after knocking yourself out for a birthday recently? It might allow you to enjoy the dinner and downtime, too. I've bad a bit of luck thinking "staycation" rather than "vacation" to avoid having the rest of life be totally on pause, while dementia progression carries on.

Dinner and a movie or music at home can be a beautiful acknowledgement of special days though they are also bittersweet given the reality of this journey. DH has not known what day it is for a long time. So, if anyone is to commemorate anniversaries, birthdays etc., it is all up to me. So, sometimes we celebrate for no reason, and other times I may come up with a flexible plan that won't wear me out or disappoint anyone, if it falls through since Alz is very unpredictable at my house, even though things have calmed down some now that we are in late stage 6.

Treat yourself, and I like the card or giftcard surprise in your back pocket in case your DH remembers and expects a gift. I would not bring it up if he does not, though, yet you still can order something good to eat and just create a nice peaceful evening that you would enjoy since caregiving is tough, and anniversaries are special even if everything else in life has changed.

tiredandlonely

Birthdays and Anniversaries are non events for us. I put them on my DWs calendar so she is aware and always ask her if she wants to go somewhere to celebrate but she rarely leaves the house (usually only for doctor appointments) so she always declines. Not the way I want to celebrate but she’s happy/content so I just persevere, knowing that I at least made an attempt.

CorrieG

Thanks so much for your comments. I think it will be door dash for us and I have a gift 'standby' in the wings if it comes up. It's funny, because after I posted this, he came into my room and said, "Sorry, I'm so rude and I mess up all of the time. I'm really grateful for you and I really do love you a lot." It doesn't erase what I've been going through but it does remind me who my husband is without the dementia and alleviated my apathy a bit.

M1

Our 29th anniversary is right around the corner, but all holidays are nonevents now for my dear partner. Doesn't know them, doesn't miss them. I feel it's best not to bring them up at all. I take her treats here and there, but not with any reminder of any special day.

Jeff86

DW no longer understands birthdays and anniversaries. In some ways, acknowledging/celebrating is a painful reminder to me and means nothing to my DW. So, for us at least, less is more.

White Crane

Our 56th wedding anniversary was June 10. I had thought about making reservations at a nice restaurant and going out to eat but decided against it. The menus don’t make sense to him anymore and the prices really upset him. I ended up ordering a pizza, giving him a nice card and a big hug. It worked for us.

toolbeltexpert

Corrie we celebrated my dw's bd June 8, 2 times, once was friends from church at the memory care and then 3 days later on her bd the mcf celebrated it. I did cake ice cream and pizza for everybody. She really didn't acknowledge it either time. Then our 45 anniversary June 17, I mentioned it but got no real acknowledgement. We are some where deep in 6. I vote for a small no fuss if anything. Sorry this is so hard the days and years go by and mostly we are all alone.

Stewart

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