MC question

M1

I'm musing about ways to help my partner be more social (there may not be any). But one thing that strikes me--even though she now has one foot in stage 6, she can clearly distinguish who has dementia and who does not. She gravitates to the staff and avoids the other residents, as if she's afraid of them--and some who are "wanderers" or "gatherers" she will even warn me to stay away from. I find this interesting. There are a couple of women residents who still have intact language and social skills that I could see her getting along with--but she is very reluctant. I'm curious if others with LO's in MC have experienced this or have thoughts about it. She is much more likely to want to help the staff than to do anything with other residents--so maybe the best role for her is to find more "helping" roles. Not sure, just thinking out loud.

harshedbuzz

@M1

This sounds very familiar.

Heading into dementia, dad had been almost hyper-social but in the MCF our efforts to get him out of his room were largely futile. The staff tried. They set up a table with all the guys thinking maybe he would feel more comfortable with me. They set up a putting machine in hopes he'd try that. The DON sent personal notes inviting him to the musical programming. They even locked him out of his room to try to engage him.

Nothing worked. He also interacted almost exclusively with the aides. His main day-shift aides were immigrants from South Asia; dad's Master's was in Asian Studies and he enjoyed discussing history and hearing about what it was like when they were growing up. It's funny how he retained that niche of information and interest.

He was freakishly verbal and would constantly comment on "the crazies who live here". He made observations not only on the wanderers and those who were clearly in much later stages, but also the residents who seemed to be a little less impaired than he was. There was beautifully coiffed and dressed lady I initially pegged as an employee; he said "she looks normal, but when you talk to her, she's as crazy as the rest of them".

HB

jfkoc

There are posters here who live out in the country. Since I could never do that I have wondered about the differences in people and theri need to be "social".

You and your partner live on a large piece of property. Your spouse has spent a lot of time on improvements. She may be quite content not chattering away just for the sake of it like some of us are.

If true then I think her role as helper may continue to suit her.

I do think about her creative side and wonder if some "table top building" might be up her alley...a bird house or just some tounge depressers to do something sculptural.

-Judith

M1

thanks for the input from you both. HB, that sounds VERY similar to where we are now. We are both definitely extreme introverts, and there is certainly no changing that. It does intrigue me that she can identify dementia in others --but apparently not in herself. Judith I was delighted to see that when i got there today she had had her drawing pad out and there was a half-finished, adorable kitten---it was the first thing I've seen her undertake independently in ages, so that was a real thrill. The bird house or other tabletop building is also a good idea. We have a workshop full of tools, and I don't know if she would be content with a little kit--but hey, I'm game to try anything.

Ed1937

M1, I think some people can recognize others when they have dementia, but just can't seem to see themselves there. If she feels more comfortable helping the staff, I say don't worry about it. She has always been the boss, and maybe it makes her feel just a little higher up the ladder than most others there. If it's not hurting anything........ (you know the rest).

I'm glad to hear she took it on her own to draw a little. It sounds like night and day compared to the other place.

HollyBerry

My mom used to talk about "the girls at work," meaning the aides and AL staff, as if they were all her coworkers. She never really developed friendships with other residents and also went mean girl on a couple ladies who were farther along the dementia road than she was. The nursing supervisor found this pretty typical but absolutely didn't tolerate the mean girl stuff.

My mom also got to a point where she didn't want to go to activities any more, but she did like to be asked. Maybe the personal contact of being asked is enough?

White Crane

A dear friend of mine, who was a retired nurse, had Alzheimer’s. After she went to memory care, she thought she was still working, and had to spend nights there because she was on call. The staff went along with it, and she spent her time checking on the other residents and “helping” the staff. It worked out very well for her, and she was quite content.

toolbeltexpert

M1 you had mentioned in an older post about you and your wife being introverts. And you related how your dw had a hard time socializing, you got me to thinking because my dw is also an introvert and she also has had a hard time. She smiles at folks but rarely if ever joins in. When she gets in a social setting she starts saying she's having a hard time breathing and that's the clue she can't do this. Unfortunately she's lost the ability to crochet, so now it's just looking at pictures in a book or watching tv or sitting outside, not now of course. I wish I could find something she could do as well.

The activities here are good and some she gets into. The music is still the best thing that she enjoys.

Stewart

Jo C.

Hi M; Your Partner has had her basic personality prior to onset of dementia; she seemed to naturally be more of a loner in personality and also a bit happily isolated where she and you have lived on your beautiful property. It appears she has not changed from her basic self re that. My LO also did not interact with others in care; though she probably did not recognize "dementia," she could recognize others who were "different," and wanted nothing to do with them. She did engage with some of the staff which was more her comfort zone. It must also be said that my LO was similar to this in her private life pre-dementia; she did not accept all and sundry into her life; she was picky about who she chose to closely engage with.

Perhaps, because your Partner was a "hands-on" person in her highly successful profession, and since she will interact with staff, could they ask her to work with them and actually set her to doing "work" with and for them? Whatever she would be interested in doing would take her out of her room and engage her a bit with staff and possibly, just maybe, in the course of her "work," she may communicate to a degree with some of the other residents. Still; it appears she will want the solitude of her room much of the time.

As for putting together kits or projects for her to work on, that sounds like a possibly good idea; she has always been a hands-on person in her profession, building and creating and she is amazingly artistic.

Note: When I had such concerns, I also remember a Social Worker telling me that I was measuring my pushing for increased activity for my LO based on MY OWN feelings for what I would want for myself and I did not have dementia. She explained that my LO was exactly where she wanted to be, in her own comfort zone and was not feeling deprived nor in a negative situation; she wanted the isolation and not engaging. It was fairly true, my LO was reasonably settled and not showing signs of being deprived. Of course the Social Worker was correct; but it still took me time to understand it. Once I did, while I looked for opportunities to softly have my LO engaged whether watching entertainers who came in to the facility, or doing a craft once in awhile, but no longer made it a push. She was fine and in fact, was not even interested in watching TV even in her room; that train had already left the station while I was busily trying to buy tickets to somewhere for her. She was no longer operating in the real world but though limited, she had a world of her own that she was comfortable in and being alone was part of that.

May your caring and loving attempts to engage your Partner in more activity and/or connections be successful to whatever degree brings her comfort.

J.

GothicGremlin

Yeah, this is what I've seen with Peggy as well. She doesn't know now that she has Alzheimer's, but she'll warn me about some of the others in memory care. She'll point at someone and she "she's really bad." She's introverted as well - unless you give her a stage, then she'll sing as if she were still in her old band.

While she was still in early to mid Stage 6 she'd spend most of her time with one of the staff members who has similar musical tastes as she does. Now, at the tail end of 6/beginning of 7, she doesn't really do that.

But what you describe is very familiar. I wish I had useful suggestions, but I don't.

M1

Judith's suggestion about art kits was inspired--I went for lunch yesterday--she will only sit at a table where we are by ourselves, won't sit with other residents--and then we painted rocks for a couple of hours, I took a kit that I had originally bought for my young granddaughters! I told the activities director about it--they are going to do the same activity today, and she hoped she could get my partner to go with her. We'll see--but I doubt it. I guess I have to be content with helping her find things to do in her room, for now. Helpful to know that others have seen the same behavior towards other residents though.