Am I doing the right thing?…..because it feels awful

bjohnsen3869

My dad 82 with mid stage Alzheimer’s has been in AL for 3 weeks. He was absolutely loving it until about 4 days ago. His girlfriend of 20 years ,with whom he lived with until I moved him to my house about a month prior to AL. I am his MPA. I’ve had to have several discussions with her about what not to say when she visits and not visiting so often. I have ring cameras in his room. She thinks I’m trying to eliminate her from his life and that I’m blaming her for things. I encouraged her to join an ALZ support group as this has helped me tremendously. She must have done that because I can see that her demeanor and conversation was different. She did everything right and I appreciate that so much. Every time she visits he is happy to see her and doesn’t want her to leave. After her visits though, he is very withdrawn and extra confused. The AL called me yesterday and asked if she could hold off coming for 2 weeks to see if that makes a difference. When I requested this of her she got very upset and accused me of ganging up with the AL facility to keep her away from my dad. She said some really hurtful things to me. I truly just want what’s best for my dad. I know this is incredibly hard for her. She loves him and I know he loves her but he isn’t the same person anymore and I can’t make her understand that.

I don’t have siblings to discuss with or back me up. My best friend is probably tired of me running to her every time something happens and asking her what to do so I’m reaching out here. This is what she said to me. I chose to text her because she can be very nasty when she gets mad. I’ve known this woman for 20 years(not 23). We’ve always got along up until a few times since my dad has gotten worse and worse. I’ve taken care of her when she is ill, helped her with everything, even though she has 4 sons. I don’t understand.

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M1

I wonder if she has early cognitive issues herself?

I am sorry you are having to face dealing with her--it's all hard enough as it is. But you are POA for a reason. You are doing the right thing, and I would just block her texts for the time being I think. You can take the high road without descending to personal attacks; she obviously can't. Another alternative would be to reach out to her sons, if you have that kind of relationship.

Have to also ask, does she have a financial motive of any sort? These often lurk in the background. Maybe she doesn't want his money spent on AL so there's more to inherit?

harshedbuzz

@bjohnsen3869

I am so sorry you are dealing with all this.

Given that Brandee has been a part of his life for 23 years and given that she is actively taken steps to interact with your dad in a less triggering manner, I feel like this could have been handled better.

This is such a sad situation. Others who have been a your shoes-- with a PWD who has a long-term girl/boyfriend have mostly had issues with their parent being dropped the minute they're no longer the fun companion they once were or when the adult child invokes the POAs and they can no longer benefit financially from the arrangement. This woman hasn't done that. When you talked about steps she could take to better interact with your dad, she took them.

I can appreciate that Novellus will want to communicate exclusively with you as legal representative, but this could have gone better if the DON sat down with both of you and explained their reasoning around this. It is super common for ALs for MC and MCFs to ask families/close friends to avoid visits in the first couple of weeks to allow the PWD to settle into new routines and learn to depend on their new team of caregivers.

I wonder if it would help for Novellus to explain to Brandee that it is almost always the person closest to the PWD who triggers the most upset. When my dad went to MC it was several weeks before he stopped fighting everything and started to settle. In that time, I could visit and would grumble about me stealing all his power and locking him up. But when my mom visited, all hell broke loose. He would excoriate her. FTR, dad and I never had a warm relationship, so it would make sense he would be more reactive with me but it doesn't work that way. There is another member here whose spouse was so triggered by their visits that they were unable to have a real visit for over a year while their mutual friends could visit without incident during or after.

I would ask someone from Novellus to make a call and explain this to Brandee.

HB

SusanB-dil

Hi Bjohnsen - I agree with M1, and I think you are doing all the right things. It sounds like she is not understanding the situation and that it would just lead to arguments if you tried to reason with her. Would it help if the facility told her to please just give it the 2 weeks? This is not at all uncommon in order to let a loved one just get settled a bit more.

Emily 123

I agree with HB. There's an opportunity to smooth this over, and in the long run that might make things easier for you. She must feel like she's being shut out. If he's delighted to see her but she doesn't see the agitation afterwards, it may be hard for her to understand.

I'd have the DON reach out to her and tell her what they've seen and why they requested that the visits be limited for a few weeks while he settles in. Can't hurt, might help, and keeps you from being the bad guy. If she can't deal with it, then at least you tried, right?

bjohnsen3869

Thank you everyone. I will talk to the facility and have them call her but she is extremely nasty when she is angry but I guess that’s why they get the big bucks.

she is due to inherit money in the WILL. But, I tried to get her to move in to an assisted living with him that had a nice 2 bedroom with a huge, normal size kitchen and she wouldn’t do it. I tried having home care and she didn’t want someone in her home. Then, she text me a month ago and said she couldn’t take it anymore.

i feel like I’ve offered lots of options. She just wanted me over there taking care of him all the time. I have a 10 and 13 year old. I can’t do that.

Emily 123

Of course you can't. And you did give her lots of options. Sounds like she wasn't ready to move in with him, so hopefully she'll be reasonable and limit her visits for a bit.

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bjohnsen3869

Thank you all very much. I can’t imagine how hard this is for her and how she misses the life they had together. Honestly, the life they had together has been gone for a couple years now. I hate making her feel worse. My goal is to do what’s best for my dad. I can truly say that if the situation was reversed. I would stop my visits and let her visit. I just want my dad to be content, as much as he can be, at this stage.

Ci2Ci

Respectfully disagree with another comment about blocking text messages. You do want to know what the GF is thinking/doing, in case you need to intervene. You can elect to respond or not, but I think that you want to know what she is doing. ...If she is genuinely a positive person in your LO's life, she could be an ally for you (too). Always nice to have extra eyes watching LO's care. But, she definitely needs to PARTNER with you and act in your LO's best interests.

bjohnsen3869

Well, the GF ignored my request for the 2 week trial period but was stopped by the facility director when she attempted to visit. After that, The 2 week trial period went great. He was not aggravated, anxious, and was socializing. When the GF came to visit at the end of the 2 weeks, which was Tuesday, he became withdrawn, hateful to staff and residents, and just overall pissed. When I went to visit him yesterday he told me he wanted to get the f out of there and that the place was stupid and he wanted to go with Her(he can’t remember her name) and her people(her 4 sons). He said give them the money and they said they can do it. Says he doesn’t belong in a place like this and that he wants to go places and do things. He was very confused the whole time he was talking to me about it and had a few moments where he would say, they are really nice here, then would snap back into his rant. I felt like he was coached about what to say. On her visit, Tuesday, they sat outside and not in his room where I can hear and see with my ring camera.

I don’t know why she is fighting me. I feel like, at this point, she has lost sight of what is best for my dad and just wants to win control. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I’ve been empathetic and sympathetic. She lives in a house that is mine and my dad’s and I’m paying all the bills(with dad’s money) and I’ve told her she can stay as long as she wants and I will continue to do that. She totaled her car that my dad had purchased for her back in May and I bought her a brand new car(with dad’s money). When she got the insurance check for $22,000 she was going to sign over to my dad and I was going to deposit it in his account but since, at that point, my dad had no concept of money or paying for stuff, I told her to keep it so that she could take my dad on outings and not have to use her own money to pay for it.

im not a bad person. I’ve done everything for this woman. Bought her iPhone, Apple Watch……with my own money. I’ve taken care of her when she had Covid. Taken her to the ER when she has blood pressure issues……..her 4 sons did nothing.

Quilting brings calm

You need to talk to a certified elder care lawyer now. You need a legal opinion about paying for her to live in your and your dads home with your dad’s money. You mentioned medical power of attorney, but you didn’t mention a financial power of attorney. I don’t know how much money your dad has, but AL and MC are very expensive and the costs raise every year. Should your dad run out of money, Medicaid has a five year look back and money you’ve spent on her could be considered gifts. That could preclude Medicaid paying for an amount of time

You also do not want this woman taking your dad on outings. She may not bring him back or he may refuse to come back because she’s talked him out of it.

Emily 123

It sounds like he needs more time to settle in. From what you write he isn't really remembering actual instances as much as he's being coached. She's not acting in a manner that's best for your dad despite her best(?) efforts. Whether she just doesn't understand, or can't help herself, she's undermining his peace of mind. I don't doubt that it's hard for her to see him like this, and feel that he'd be happier in his home. But he's got no capacity to understand the situation or that she had reached the end of her ability to care for him. She may feel refreshed since she's had a little bit of a break, but she made her choices last month about the support she could offer. Just because she's come up with some half-formed plan to use her kids to take care of your dad doesn't mean there's a workable plan--this sounds like wishful thinking on her part.

I agree with QBC. Protect his assests. I would be very concerned that the coached conversation is now including her never-interested-before sons and that your dad is mentioning money. You've been kind to treat her as you think your dad would like her to be treated but she has to adapt to the situation for his sake, or not visit.

JeriLynn66

I had to re-read the entire thread 3 times… I’ve been following but I still had to go back..

the first time my heart was in my throat.

by the third time I was shaking and had to step back to catch my breath because I was angry and afraid.. I am so sorry this is happening.

In my mind: it’s time to do whatever it takes to keep your Dad safe from this person, see an Attorney, get her out of your house, bar her from the facility, get a restraining order, anything else the Attorney advises but she wouldn’t be visiting my father.. good luck and please forgive my rant.. and I will be praying for you!❤️

housefinch

Agree with @Emily 123 and @JeriLynn66. I don’t post super often but had to after reading this thread. This GF makes me very uncomfortable. She sounds like she is either personality disordered, a con artist, or something. I would be very concerned about his being coached, as hard as it might be to believe he could remember things. I would seriously consider legal advice and potentially a formal restriction of her ability to visit. I would definitely be protecting his assets and figuring out how to stop her accessing more money while taking steps to protect yourselves and him (your physical safety) before she has learns she no longer has access to his assets. I also don’t know if she would be considered a common law spouse in your state.

My skin is crawling, I have goosebumps, etc. She has already disregarded the facility’s request not to visit. I would ask the facility to always have security discreetly nearby whenever she visits. She escalates easily and sounds unsafe, IMHO.

bjohnsen3869

Thanks y’all. They have lived together for 18 years but have never shared a checking account, an insurance policy, nothing has ever had both of their names on it. They lived in her house that she owned with her ex husband for 16 years. He just gave her money for her to pay utilities. When she sold it, she had to give half of the proceeds to her ex husband and she kept the other half. My father and I purchased the new house closer to me that they lived in for the past 2 years…..she is still there. All of my dads financial accounts have mine and his name on them. She has no access. I have MPOA, POA, and HIPPA rights. I have all of the legal documents I need. She legally has no power. I don’t think the common law marriage will be an issue. We are in Texas. In Texas it says for common law marriage to apply that the couple must have legally shared assets, shared bank account etc,; made it known to others that they had planned to marry in the future. None of those happened. In the 20 years they been together he has never put her as an emergency contact or as a MPOA or POA and made it know that he would never get married again as he was married to my mother when she passed from cancer.

I would love at this point to kick her out of the house and just be done with her but, I told my dad and her long ago that I would make sure she was taken care of no matter what u til my last breath. Integrity is very important to me and I can’t abandon my principles just because she is being so difficult.

I did speak with the facility and we have both decided that the best option for my dad right now is to suspend her visitation for at least 2 months I had the administrator of the AL facility contact her yesterday the administrator contacted me today and said that she did get a hold of her and spoke to her and that she was extremely angry and accused the facility, and me, of trying to prompt my dad to cheat on her and that she doesn’t want him talking to any women and being in pictures with women I guess she saw the news letter and it showed s’more day and my dad was sitting next to a woman. Picture is attached. She said she was going to tell her sons and that the facility, me included, will be stopped.

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mommyandme (m&m)

bjohnsen,

OMGOSH! Sounds like GF has some cognitive issues herself. I’m so sorry!

Emily 123

That sounds like a solid plan.

The female to male ratio in any AL is crazy. You'd be hard pressed to get him in some type of photo where he isn't surrounded by women, LOL! He looks like he's having a nice time.

I'm sorry for her--but she gets a 'bless her heart' from me. She had some very reasonable choices which would have allowed her to stay with your dad, but turned them down. ''...he isn’t the same person anymore and I can’t make her understand that''. It could be that she's having some cognition issues of her own.

I think it's honorable that you will see your promise through, but her family will need to take responsibility for her affairs at some point. I would still clarify things with an attorney. What if one of the son's decides to move in? What if she can't maintain the home? You do hear these horror stories of owners who can't evict when it becomes necessary.

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bjohnsen3869

Well….I went up last night because he walked out the front door and said he was leaving. When I got there he was yelling at me that he wanted to go with her and them and wanted to know why she hadn’t come visit. I told him she came Tuesday and he disagreed. He was very aggressive toward me and I kind of blew my top which I know isn’t goo dot Alzheimer’s patient. I felt like he was going to hit me. So, I accused myself and said I just need a minute. I walked down the hall and took some deep breaths and when I returned a care giver was about to open his door. I must have had a funny look on my face because she asked if I was ok. I said I didn’t feel well and proceeded to faint right down the side of hr body.

Emily 123

bjohnsen,

It sounds like you've had enough. Your body is telling you to take a break.

Can you talk to dad's provider and getting on some meds to help him with the settling in process? If that doesn't work then consider moving him into the MC. Talk to the nursing director to see what they think--whether dad's still a candidate for AL or if he's a flight risk because of trying to leave.

You have your own kids to worry about.

I would cease interactions with your dad for a bit. No visits. Take some down time.

bjohnsen3869

I moved to memory care and I. Honestly scarred to visit right.

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bjohnsen3869

I can’t stand that he looks like a shell of a man. Like he has finally given up and isn’t wanted anymore. He has lost his will to live.

MN Chickadee

Give it some time, you have both been through a lot. He only left his home 2 months ago and has had a second move in the middle of that. The adjustment is a process. It took my mother a few months of just one move to settle in at memory care. This phase is very hard, the weeks after I moved her were the darkest of my life. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing this for him, not to him. Your are living up to the duties he chose you for and giving him the care and safety he requires even though it is hard and sad. I would wait to visit for a couple weeks. Let him get used to his surroundings and staff and take some time for yourself and your own health. If he is combative and angry the facility may ask you to work with his doctors on medications and that would be an appropriate course of action. And I would also get some legal advice from an attorney on his lady friend in order to avoid more complications down the road. Hang in there.

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Malka

This woman, who loves him, would want the right thing for your dad. Call his lawyer and find out who is his POA and make sure her name doesn't appear on any other of his papers (deeds, bank accounts, etc.). She might be named in his will, but she is not a blood relation. You are his daughter and you are doing the correct thing for him.

I hope you are being kind to yourself. This is a long haul and it seems you are doing a very good job.

M

bjohnsen3869

Again….thank you all very much. Victoria, I think you are correct in your diagnosis. Lol. My mother was not a selfish woman, AT ALL(opposite of the GF) In fact, she was too giving and many times got taken advantage of and abused because of her kindness and general people pleasing/caring nature. I’m just like her(the GF preyed on that). I see it and I’m afraid. She had many times in her life that she had complete mental/physical breakdowns. She was wonderful, bubbly and full of life and love. The hit of the party. The one everyone wanted to “pick” as their partner. But, she couldn’t sustain that “give/be/do everything to/for everyone” for long. She would be incredible for about 6-8 months and then have a mental/physical breakdown. She would be in bed and sleep for 3-5 days usually taking a sedative to allow her to “turn off.” Even though it was always mental, she would be physically ill every time. Everything around her would have to survive on their own for a bit. She was on an antidepressant, as am I, and had gone to many doctors and therapists over the years. She got better with age and was just leveling out when she got cancer at 60 and was dead at 62. I think, her mind and body just couldn’t sustain the person she wanted to be.

I see myself going down this same path. After fainting at the AL I had an episode like this…I did have Covid but I was in bed incapacitated for 3 days. I’m the end all, be all, until I’m not. My body just stops. I’ve been to therapy over the years and it did help but it’s been several years since I’ve been. I’m going to start seeing someone again. In 2017, our home was flooded by 6 feet of water during hurricane Harvey, that’s when I started these bouts every 6-8 month breakdowns. My best friend was diagnosed, and is a survivor of, breast cancer in 2020, i I nursed my grandfather on his death bed by myself his last week of life from pancreatic cancer, my half brother was diagnosed and died with metastatic melanoma in 2021 at age 61. Now my dad.

I keep telling myself I will get it together when all of these things stop happening and it’s not like I’m out of it every weekend. I don’t drink AT ALL. I keep telling myself it only happens every 6 to 8 months, for about 3-5 days, but it is scary and burdensome for everyone around me at that time. It creates unpredictability around me. That is terrible for a people pleaser, such as myself, then comes the shame and the exaggerated mom/daughter/wife/sister/friend/neighbor etc until the next plunge.

I will change this. This is life. I have the tools to handle these things without the mental and physical toll. I just need to sharpen them and maybe throw out the old ones that don’t work anymore. Thank you all for listening and being here for me.

I have only been able to FaceTime with my dad because I am still Covid positive. He keeps asking for me and wants me to come and get him. My son and ex husband’s wife went up to see him so that was helpful. I have the ring camera in his room still. My husband and half brother(my dad’s stepson) are meeting with the GF and 2 of her son’s today to figure out a plan for her to vacate the house and what her future looks like. At the urging of the facility, i have allowed them to enforce that she not come to see him because of the negative impact following her visits. My half brother who lives about an hour away from us has been asking me and asking me if I need help or what can he do, I always say nothing. That’s my fault. I need to ask for help and LET other people help me. I’m not very good at that.

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bjohnsen3869

Thank you so much. I love that. You take care of yourself.

bjohnsen3869

I’m not receiving today……I love that