Question

toolbeltexpert

So this morning my dw and for those who don't know, she is in a mcf. She tells me she has something to tell me but " not here" so we go to the bathroom mainly because she had to go and I wondered if she was going to remember about her question. She got done going and I just followed our routine and she said again she has something to tell me again, " not here" so I close the bathroom door and convince her no one can hear us. She tells me someone tried to rape her. I ask who? She says he's out there. Obviously she can't tell me who. Should I approach the head nurse and tell her? There are only 3 men in the unit. 1 in a wheel chair, a married couple and one man who is always getting hit on by the women looking for their husband and there is one male cna. I don't suspect anyone but!

Yesterday she got to breakfast and didn't have her bra on which is only the second time that has happened but I took her to the bathroom and got her bra on. Is she remembering that?

I hate this disease.

The male cna is very caring for all the residents and what I worry about it possibly causing some trouble amoung the cna's, they don't allow cameras in here so that's probably not gonna happen and I can't be here 24/7.

Has any body who placed been down this road?

Stewart

loveskitties

Was DW able to give any kind of description of the person or details of what she felt occurred?

Perhaps the male cna was just helping her and she felt uncomfortable.

On your visits, have you noticed that she exhibits fear or avoids any of the males?

Without more information it will be difficult to determine the validity of her feelings that something untoward occurred.

I know you want to protect her at all costs, but without more details, the best you can do is reassure her.

I don't know if it is advisable to give the head person of the unit a "heads up" on what DW has told you...it might put them on alert to watch more carefully, be prepared in case she presents a similar situation to them. In a way I feel the male cna needs to know...perhaps he could be accompanied by a female aid when assisting your DW to protect his reputation.

So many issues arise that there is no solid answer for. Hoping that nothing really happened to DW and that she soon forgets it.

Joe C.

Stewart, I have had 2 instances who DW had some involvement with another residents, but both were reported to me by MC staff. One was consensual, DW even pointed the other resident out to me and said, “he likes me”. In the other case DW got close to a male resident (she tends to stand very close to other residents both male & female) and he grabbed her by the wrist and attempted to kiss her. These incidents were witnessed by staff and going forward they would try to keep both parties apart.

I would not totally dismiss your wife’s claims but it is possible she is misinterpreting daily care as something else. I have seen DW upset with particular staff members following a shower, but she also would get upset with me when I showed her when she was at home. Something you might consider is visiting “off hours” and see if anything looks amiss.

Ed1937

Stewart, I'm sorry this happened. You just don't know if it happened or not. I agree that it might have arisen out of typical care. One time my wife had a UTI, and sat on the potty chair with her pants on. I got her up, and tried to get them down for her, but she fought me like crazy, screaming at the top of her lungs. This was in the middle of the night, so nobody heard her. I'm sure if they did, the police would be breaking my door down. She was confused, and spent 3 days in the hospital with IV antibiotics. I feel sure she thought I was trying to rape her.

So I think your best bet might be to let the staff know what she said, and request that male staff not be allowed to help in uncompromising situations. Since she thought this was happening, they should accommodate you.

HollyBerry

My brother says that my mom had a similar situation in AL. She had fallen asleep in front of the TV and incorporated part of a Law & Order story into whatever was going through her head. Of course, my brother didn't figure this out until after he totally freaked out about it. The nursing director handled it really well and all parties came through with dignity intact.

I don't know how I would have responded but chances are, I would have chosen one of the ten thousand wrong ways to handle it. What is your gut feeling about whether anything actually happened? If you mention it to the nursing supervisor they will be required to respond and document.

ImMaggieMae

It’s impossible for you to know what really happened because she is helpless. There are enough news stories about abuse in care facilities to not ignore her comments. I would definitely report it on the off chance that it is true.

sandwichone123

My dh told me that someone had been inappropriate with him. My understanding was another resident, but his communication was so vague and his understanding of the situation so lacking in context that I really had no idea. I did give the staff a heads up. They hadn't seen anything, but they kept their eyes open and he didn't talk about it any more after about three weeks.

I would not necessarily think her perception of "rape" would necessarily meet a legal description, but rather that it reflected her feelings of someone in her space at the time. Of course, one never knows.

toolbeltexpert

Thank you all. Alot of what you responded has crossed my mind. I am just gonna observe. I never thought about a TV show playing but I have heard of that happening thanks for that Holly.

She hasn't said anything again and she hasn't shown any fear towards anyone in the unit. She has been undergoing med changes for a while now and not sure if that's playing into any of it.

My gut says this didn't happen though, it's helpful to hear from everyone of what the consequences could be. I still visit at least once a day,

Thanks again