Peggy chilled my blood this afternoon

GothicGremlin

She had such a good day yesterday, but not today. Prior to an extra "as needed" dose of trazadone, she was so upset, crying, yelling, and speaking mostly gibberish. I know she felt like she was speaking normally, but I could understand almost no words.

Once the medication kicked in, and I was able to keep speaking soothing words, enough that she became calm enough to speak, she said to me, "GG, I can't do this anymore." She said it with so much despair in her voice that it took my breath away.

That was the real Peggy speaking, and she knew what she was saying. In that moment she knew that she has Alzheimer's and she knew what it was doing to her. The only thing I could do in that moment was comfort her.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be haunted by this for the rest of my days.

forbarbara

There are no words to help you with this, I am so sorry for your pain.

BassetHoundAnn

I'm so sorry, Gothic. As Forbarbara said, no words, no words.

Cosmic

Sometimes there is a moment of "understanding". Yesterday we went for pizza with our son (who she doesn't remember) and his wife. LO just blurted out "do you guys know what is going on with me?). Caught us all by surprise. Daughter-in-law had just moved her father to MC and a good friend of ours just moved her brother into MC. We all assured her that we all knew what was going on and we are all here for her, then quickly changed the subject. She had tears whelling up in her eyes and could see the anxiety beginning to set in. So yes they do know at some point that they have dementia but are not totally aware of the consequences.

As an aside she is over the sundowning stage and now around 7pm she draws a total blank about everything. Does not know how to change clothes into pajamas or how to even pull up her underwear. Daytime is fine.

SusanB-dil

'this' freaking 'thing' is so freaking hard!!!! &^%^*&$#(!!!

JeriLynn66

God love you GG… you’re in my prayers right now ❤️

RoseGwen

Sometimes those moments of lucidity are the hardest. I'm so glad for her and for you that the medication works to calm her down. She knows that you are there for her, and I'm sure that your comforting her was much appreciated. I hope she has some peaceful moments very soon.

harshedbuzz

I am so sorry @GothicGremlin

Caro_Lynne

That is heartbreaking to hear; nothing we can do but be there for them. So sad.

Anonymousjpl123

That really sums up the pain of this disease. I’m so sorry. I’m really glad she has you.

GothicGremlin

Yeah ..... 🙁

I almost didn't post this because I don't have any words either. I still don't.

M1

GG,perhaps rather than haunting you,, this can become a tender memory of the last time you spoke to your "real" sister. She may be asking your permission to let go. Bless you both.

Waldorf

My DW said the same thing " I can't do this anymore" numerous times. She passed on August 2nd and got her wish.

MN Chickadee

I remember that last time I saw my real mother in there, late in stage 6 when she was mostly nonverbal. Fortunately her (shockingly) complete sentence was a positive statement but it is still rather haunting. To think they were able to say something with clarity while in the middle of a sea of jibberish is mind blowing. Some brain synapse worked just right in the moment I guess. I'm sorry Peggy is struggling. She is lucky to have you and this disease is incredibly unfair.

Emily 123

I'm so sorry GG.

Jo C.

Dear GG; while there may not be words sufficient, what a wonderful loving sister you are. My own sister died when I was thirteen and I would like to think we would have had as wonderful relationship as do you and your sister had she lived.

I think M1's input is brilliant and very insightful. Please let us know how you are doing, we will be thinking of you.

J.

Quilting brings calm

It’s heartbreaking. To have that moment of clarity causes you wonder what goes on in their thoughts and they just can’t tell you … Mom is still only a stage 4. Up until a few months ago, she’s made comments where I could tell she knew she had cognitive issues. The day she read the Alzheimer’s/dementia wording on the wall in the neurology clinic and asked ‘ Is that what I have? ’ really bothered me. I didn’t answer her.

SDianeL

Oh GG. So sorry you are going through this. My sweet sister was diagnosed 3 years ago. My DH was diagnosed 2 years ago. Watching them struggle is so heartbreaking. Sending love & hugs.

GothicGremlin

Thank you so much for the support, all of you. It means a lot. Of all the things we've been through so far, this was the most difficult to take. When Peggy was first diagnosed, and I began to realize what an Alzheimer's diagnosis actually means, I was overwhelmed. But I got it together and have been mostly fine until now. And now, after a few days, I'm mostly fine again.

Peggy's been through so much already, and she's had so many losses, but she keeps on being Peggy, making lemonade out of lemons. But her desperation is real, and there's not much I can do to help except keep her company, reminisce about better times, bring her treats, and play her favorite music for her. It feels weak.

@Jo C. I'm so sorry about your sister. I'm sure you would have had an amazing relationship with her.

@M1 I've been pondering your suggestion since I read your comment. Like @Jo C. says, it's brilliant. And you couldn't know this, but you got to a core of Peggy. She has always looked for approval (probably because she's the middle kid), and asked for permission (even if not in those terms) when she doesn't have to. So at some level, she probably is asking for permission here too. Obviously I'd understand if she wanted to let go, but ... I have no words yet to express my feelings that follow the word "but". I'm working on it.

What I really want for her now is to be as happy as she can be for as long as she can be.

@Quilting brings calm Yeah, it's exactly that: "To have that moment of clarity causes you wonder what goes on in their thoughts and they just can’t tell you". That's what haunts me.

@SDianeL Sending love and hugs back at you.

Remember that old song Tubthumping by Chumbawamba? "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never going to keep me down." Yep, that's where I am. Well, except for the pubs and all of those different kinds of drinks. I'll skip those. 🙂