24/7 Caregiving for my 84 year old father

resefaison

My brother is my fathers legal guardian since he had a fall and diagonised with dementia and can no longer care for himself. He has chosen to have dad and I live in his home with his wife and 8 year old child. He pushed to have dad released from the rehab facility sooner than the house was ready, (stair lift) handicapped for shower. It has become clear to me that he is not going to offer me any kind of support other than a place to live. I am 100% responsible for my dads care. He has made it clear that his business, his family come first and that dad will be provided with whatever he wants to be as comfortable as possible no matter what. Most of what he has done in the last 2 days since we have been here is make it as difficult for me as possible. I was up last night 3 times with dad, changing bed sheets and pads that he soaks through - This is so much more than I thought it would be. He can not be left alone for me to even go for a walk or drive to the grocery store and his mobility is fair. I know in a few weeks when the stair lift is installed things will get better, I can take dad out of the house then in the mornings to do some activities- I guess I am just venting and will have to find my voice. thanks to whoever is listening, In my brothers eyes he doesn't care about me or my needs. Someone from ND Faimly services is coming next week to talk to me about a grant program availabe for me to receive up to 10 hours respite care a month so i know once I can get through the push of the next couple of weeks I can gut it out.

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resefaison

Thank you Victoria2020- we have an appointment with a doctor and I am going to ask about the condom catheter for at night- time. And yes no one can decide about my life, I went into this thinking I understood the depths of what would be required, after a sleepless night and verbal abuse from dad last night and this morning, it is clear that I will require having regular support - This is so much more than I ever could have imagined. I will talk with Family services and set up counciling for myself

Emily 123

Resefaison,

I can only echo Victoria. You may be past retirement age, but if not, these are working years that you need to be recompensed for, all aboveboard so it's calculated into any future social security earnings. Even if past retirement, you need to be reimbursed fairly. This needs to be paid to you from your father's monies by the POA.

These disposable or washable pads can help--again, needs to be ordered using dad's funds.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=chucks&rh=n%3A3763281&dc&ds=v1%3ADPIjF9nN4rTs%2BTV1PPPxFDkTyrTG4Gm55TIlR64Q%2FY4&crid=1ZNHIRMJNR2G4&qid=1693872818&rnid=2941120011&sprefix=chucks%2Caps%2C146&ref=sr_nr_n_2

Bro sounds like a tool. Not only because of how he treats you, but if dad's verbally abusive, that 8 year-old doesn't need that either.

resefaison

Thank you Emily- yes brother is a tool- controlling as well-

yikes the dysfunctions of a family really show up in situations like this. to update I feel I have found some grounding and speaking up for myself. I have a job interview on Thursday for a part-time position. I am a massage therapist and I love the work, so once some care professionals are hired I will work a couple of days a week. I also am learning to let go and let God (higher power) it is bringing me more ease and reminding me I am not alone.

My brother doesn't view paying me as something he should do, his philosophy is to protect as much of dads money as possible (have me care for dad verses all his money going into a nursing home) so that there will be something left when he dies.

Thanks again everyone- I will update on doctors appt. this week hoping to get the condom cath, and also I think it may be time for sleeping pills for dad-

DIANELYNETTE

Be careful. My brother was very controlling as well. Does Dad have a Will or Living Trust? Who knows, he maybe paying himself as the Trustee? Do you know how much money dad really has to spend on care. My brother was more concerned about not spending her money so there would be a bigger inheritance.

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