DH thinks he should get a job

HangingIn

This afternoon DH turned to me and said “I need to get a job.” I asked him why he felt that was necessary, and he said he needs to keep busy and we need the income. It’s certainly true that he likes to stay busy, but we don’t need any extra income—we retired 15 years ago from the federal government and each have a perfectly adequate annuity. He didn’t remember anything about the annuities, saying he had no idea we had them. He did once.

Most of the time (for now), while he is definitely forgetful, he doesn’t come out with this kind of out-in-left-field idea. There is simply no way he could keep a job. He can’t remember that he put an unfinished bottle of water in the refrigerator, let alone any instructions or duties he might need to perform in a workplace. As gently as I could, I explained that his memory issues would almost certainly prevent him from holding a job. And he nodded and said that he couldn’t not tell a prospective employer about his memory problems, so would probably not be selected anyway.

We had a long talk about our financial situation, with me explaining about the annuities, and I showed him a lot of entries in the checkbook where I had recorded their deposits. He was reassured and thanked me for helping him understand. And it just breaks my heart. For nearly all of our married life, he has been my rock. Now I have to be the rock, and it doesn't come easily to me.

Jo

fayth

My spouse started going to an adult day center. He thought he was working there for quite awhile and said it was 'the best job he ever had'. They had him doing small tasks during the day. Maybe there is somewhere that he can volunteer on a regular basis still?

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M5M

Does he like pets? Could he volunteer at your local shelter?

Ed1937

There should be plenty of places where he could volunteer if he needs to feel like he's part of the community. Any place like Salvation Army, Goodwill, etc. could probably use the help. And there are usually volunteer groups for local town projects, etc. And of course there is the Humane Society.

You should really be concerned with financial matters, and the possibility of him being scammed or just careless with money. Your accounts can take a big hit in a hurry, and since this disease is financially costly, you need to stay on top of things.

It's hard when you have to be the one to make sure things are taken care of, but everyone who is a caregiver goes through that. You will learn to do things you never did before because he always did those things. Youtube comes in handy when you find yourself in unfamiliar territory, and you can always ask for help here.

HangingIn

Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. There's a lot to think about here. I'll do some checking around for potential volunteer opportunities.

jfkoc

Or the conversation could go .........

Lucky us, we are financialy secure for our retirement but I know what you mean about needing to be busy. I always thought I would want to be -------. If you could pick any thing you wanted to do what would it be?

This brings you into a conversation of wanting to be a fireman or a ballarina when you were little to wanting to travel into space or being and architect and what kind off buildings would you design. Etc.

The "reality" is that there is never a win discussion about a loved ones illness and how it is limiting your loved ones life so best to navigate away from those rocks..

I

SDianeL

My DH, 78, Stage 5 going into Late Stage 5 complains about anything I buy because he's worried about finances. He actually curses at the sign at the gas station (but so do I LOL). I explained that we are fine and have money in the bank. That seemed to calm him. Later, I gave my Step Dad money for his 89th Birthday. I told my husband how much it was but later he told my daughter that I gave him $9000 for his birthday!! My daughter realized he was confabulating and just asked him "where's mine?" 😊 So what Victoria2020 said. Tell him you're "OK" but don't give him specifics.

sandwichone123

When my dh retired from his job at about stage 5, he decided he needed to get a job. He was still able to go online and look at postings. I was vaguely supportive, "Wow, you might like that," but did not offer any assistance at all. Eventually he realized it was more trouble than it was worth when he couldn't figure out what to do with the information he found. It was a little scary thinking he might get hired somewhere, but it worked out fine.

ButterflyWings

I like jfkoc's approach to diverting while still discussing in a more harmless way when your LO brings this up. And also sandwichone123's point about not assisting or enabling any job applications, calls or interviews, etc.

Your DH sounds like he has anosognosia which my DH has had since soon after diagnosis. Meaning he does not realize he is impaired in any way, thus the idea of still going to work (after sudden involuntary retirement due to this disease) was a purposeful wandering trigger for him for years. With more progression he has moved on from this actively daily attempt to dress and exit our home for work, but it was deeply ingrained and a headache for me for the longest.

I smiled, distracted, claimed "office is closed, today's a holiday, its the weekend", etc. over and over until we got past that period. Take a deep breath! and don't engage or debate as you know. Not worth it. Here is a good article on anosognosia and how to handle it.

https://www.dementiacarers.ca/when-the-person-with-dementia-doesnt-know-they-have-limitations-anosognosia/

ButterflyWings

Here is another helpful article on Anosognosia: https://dailycaring.com/6-ways-to-help-someone-who-doesnt-know-theyre-ill-anosognosia-in-dementia/

MN Chickadee

My mother also thought she worked at her adult day program. With time she formed a narrative in her mind of the work there. This might be a good time to try an adult day care if there is one near you and tell him they need a hand or someone good with tools or arts or whatever skill your husband may have to get him to go. A good program will have staff trained in dementia who won't bat an eye at a back story.