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Terri 2.0

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Ed1937

This is only my opinion, but I think you should leave. After 17 years of a rocky marriage, I wouldn't expect things to get any better, but there's a good chance it will get worse. It's not your fault he has dementia. Just make sure he has someone to help him.

Jo C.

Hello Terri, from your last paragraphs, it sounds as though this is a CRISIS situation and before it leads to a very harmful outcome for one or both of you, it needs to be addressed right away. Please do not wait. Is it possible for you to go to a friend or relatives house for a few days until a better solution can be found?

Is he still drinking? Are there are insufficient funds to get away if that is what you want to do? There may be Co-dependency issues present, more about that later.

Suggestion: I am not certain if there is an actual diagnosis for the type of his dementia or if he has seen a dementia specialist. Being an alcoholic, it may be that he has Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome which is induced by alcohol over the years. It sounds as though the Zoloft which treats depression and anxiety disorders is not being of much if any assistance at this time. It may be that he will have to be admitted into care; perhaps even into GeroPsych on an involuntary basis to have his dementia related issues and behaviors assessed and medication adjusted.

NOTE: If your husband threatens you, or especially if he strikes out at you, get to a room with a locked door with your cell phone and call 911 immediately. Let the answering person know you are in danger need help and that there is dementia as well as alcoholism issues with your husband. That can be related to the responding officers. If the responding officers can see he is in a bad state, you can request that they call an ambulance to have him transferred to a hospital with a GeroPsych Unit as a danger to himself or others which will permit the involuntary admission to gain the necessary assistance. (It would be good, without his knowledge, to look online and find out which med centers near you have a GeoPsych Unit, just to have such information. Do not use that as a threat.)

Over the years, from what you wrote, this has been a host of challenges and even some confusion for you. I am truly sorry you have been and are dealing with all of this. I can well understand how you wish you had never left where you had moved to, in a far away place. That is understandable.

Yet; you are in the midst of a dreadful state of affairs deeply affecting your quality of life and causing you emotional and health issues secondary to stress and has also reached a point of very real danger. Yet you stay. I understand your confusion on which way you should move that would be best. It is a CRISIS with the potential of physical harm. Please get help now.

I am not certain as to what kind of a support group you have attended; if it is a support group for Dementia while good for addressing that subject, is not what appears would be best to help you find your way out of the impactful set of dynamics you are presently living in. You need help in the here and now.

Of Interest: When there is alcoholism in a relationship; sometimes a Co-dependent relationship can develop in the non-alcoholic partner. From what you have written, this sounds as if that may possibly be an issue to be dealt with. There is much written about this that can be found using Google. It would not be your fault and would explain some of the dynamics; that can be worked with and no longer be part of your life if that is perhaps an issue.

Getting to personal counseling may be very helpful in finding clarity if you have not yet done so. One can also contact the Alcoholics Anonymous office closest to your home to glean information about where there are meetings for spouses of alcoholics; these groups are, Al-Anon. Some AA areas also have special groups regarding Co-dependency which can be very helpful. AA may also have helpful information as to how to get safely out of your setting for awhile or have other helpful resources. One must work their way through and out of Co-dependency to lead to best success for one's life.

I send positive thoughts your way in that you will be able to find helpful assistance right away, and that you will be able to work your own way out of this and have it be healthier and bring peace back into your life.

J.

SDianeL

Terri, So sorry you are going through this. Since he has been diagnosed with memory issues, his Neurologist should be informed of his anger and he needs to be put on medication before he hurts or kills you. Dementia causes more anger & agitation because he is losing control and he can no longer control his outbursts. Although he has always been abusive, he is no longer the same person if he has dementia. Call his doctor and get help. My DH, Stage 5 going into Late Stage 5 became agitated & angry within the last fe months. He is now on Risperidone AM & PM and seems to be calmer. Thanks to this forum, I also have learned to remain calm and not argue with him. You can't reason with him if his "reasoner" is broken. Arguing solves nothing. I read a book one time about a man who had an alcoholic wife. He was complaining to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist asked him "what do you expect an alcoholic to act like?" Answer: They will always act that way. He told the man "you have 2 choices" put up with it or leave. There are no other choices. If you lose your temper and hit him you will be the one arrested and lose everything. I would leave if I couldn't control my anger. Period. Your choice but you will live with the consequences. His dementia will only get worse and your resentment and anger will too in my opinion. One suggestion: Picture him as a patient and you the caregiver, not as husband & wife. Treat him as you would a stranger who had dementia and placed in your care. Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" which helped me to understand the disease and behaviors and tips on how to appropriately react.

Gig Harbor

I agree with those who suggest you leave. In your initial post you said that you know it is not his fault but that it is brain damage. I think his years of drinking caused a lot of his brain damage and that is his fault. Don’t feel guilty for leaving. He won’t be happy if you are able to figure out a plan to do this but that is not your fault. You deserve to have happiness in your life.

Iris L.

It is natural to feel anger towards an alcoholic but it is not okay to act physically on that anger. Do you discuss this in your therapy? I think that you need to continue therapy for your own sake, to deal with your anger. You can never be happy with so much anger. I know what I'm talking about.

Iris

Denise1847

If your spouse is a veteran, perhaps you could call they for assistance and benefits. Also, what about Dept of Aging or whatever they call it where you live. Tell them that you are not able to stay with him because of his anger and your fear of him etc.. Perhaps they can suggest something.

ButterflyWings

(((Terri))) - you can't help him. I hope you choose you. Doubting yourself is completely understandable in this situation. It is a part of the abusive cycle, and totally expected as a result of the constant berating, belittling, criticism and soul-crushing impact that domestic violence has on the victim / survivor.

I know what you are going through. Been there, done that.

You left before, and you can do so safely again. One day at a time. You may save both your life and his, as dementia is only going to escalate his issues (and your pain). He does not need you to enable his downward spiral, and you deserve not to participate in your own unhappiness.

Please read Diane's post again. And please heed Jo C's and Victoria's requests to see this is a Crisis, with a capital "C" - read and heed Victoria's reposting of our forum mate Lady Texan's great list to keep you safe while you think through your next steps.

I hear you, that you are prioritizing him again (worried that you will hurt him in your anger) and this makes sense as you have been his caregiver, crutch, and whipping post for a long time. But, truly, you are in imminent physical danger as well as the horrible emotional violence you are suffering with a stiff upper lip. PWD's have killed many LOs even without a history of family violence or battering. All heavy objects are potential weapons, and the real weapons (hammers, knives, guns) need to be out of the home.

Honestly, as Ed and others have said, just from what you have shared here, you are in more urgent danger than ever before and dementia has just changed the game exponentially. I think you are brave and strong to reach out here with such a clear view of what has happened and the recent escalation. You are in a totally new phase now, and you didn't cause + can't cure his dementia. Please put yourself first for once. Put on your oxygen mask, first. You deserve it. If I were you, I would leave asap. (Been there, done that. No regrets.)

Elshack

There are some similarities between alcoholism and dementia. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. I hope you make yourself a priority before something drastic and terrible happens. You have left before and you can do it again.