Feeling Resentful

Widgetlj

Hello,

I am new to this forum and appreciate having a place to connect with others who understand.

I take care of my mother with Alzhiemer's and it's becoming so overwhelming and I find myself resenting her for it. I work from home and she lives with me but there are constant interuptions throughout the day while I am in meetings. I did find someone to come in a few days a week to get her out and active but most of the time she refuses to do anything.

I have two adult kids that live in another state and would like to spend more time with them but it's just so hard to leave for any length of time. I don't want to put her in MC but not sure if that is wise.

Am I the only one resenting their mother? I just want to run away but clearly that is not an option.

How do you deal with the anger, resentment and frustration on a daily basis? Sorry for the rant, I am at a low point lately.

Thanks in advance for any advice!

jfkoc

You are certainly not the only one who has dreamed of running away. The care can be overwhelming and the frustration/anger lead you to screaming in the shower.

Is there any why you can leave and work from a library? Would a large do not disturb sign on the door mean anything to your mother? Is there anyway to ignore her. OK, that would make her unhappy but so be it.

Can the hired person keep her busy without leaving the house. I know I only left the house about 50% of the time someone was here.

Please do try to remember it is not your mother...it is this God awful disease and she is miserable also.

Emily 123

Widgetlj,

It's ok to be resentful. You sound like me when my mom lived with me. I found that once I had a better understanding of how the disease was affecting my mother that it was easier for me. However, the sense of relief and of having my own life back once we were able to move her to a dementia-focused AL was tremendous. It was much nicer to go back to something closer to mother-daughter than caregiver. Consider if it might be better to have that relationship back than try to keep her in your home and become resentful.

The dementia's going to affect multiple aspects of what your mom can do. While memory may seem front and center, your mom will be losing her ability to use reasoning, judgement, process information and emotions, initiate actions, and have the focus to do multi-step tasks. It may be easier for her to not be as active because she's having trouble knowing what to do, or what order to do things in.

If your mom's not going to be terribly active when her aide comes to visit, why don't you time it to take that opportunity to get out of the house instead? Or schedule some time to go do something you like to do? I liked to go for walks, just to gather my thoughts. I felt like I had no privacy or space unless I went to bed. It was really hard to work a 40 hr week and caregive.

This was hands down the best article I read:

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half

Another poster linked this from the Tam Cummings website (sorry-can't remember who) https://tala.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf

I would recommend browsing the threads here. I don't think there's anything wrong about placing a parent. It would be one thing if they were unaffected by dementia, but the caregiving demands will increase to the point where 24/7 vigilance and care may be necessary. I'm personally in the group of people that think it's better to place once the caregiving burden starts to affect the caregiver's ability to maintain their own sanity/work focus/relationships. Why not look around at some places just to see? Perhaps look at a care home or two if you think that might be a good fit. Consider too, that it might be easier for your mom to adapt to a move a bit sooner than later. You could always set her up for a week of respite care, if a facility you like offers it, to see how she'd do.

matpuvogel

Hello
Over the past year I was watching her and noticing her changes and forgetfulness. So my mom was diagnosed a few months ago with short term memory loss and Alzheimer's (8-12 year old). Since the diagnosis my mom moved in with my husband and I and sold her house.
My sister stays with my mom in the afternoons until we get home a few days a week.

My aggravation comes more when I talk to my mom about bathing. We have set up everything to keep her safe. She still see's nothing wrong with taking a "Bird Bath" in the sink. I also believe she washes her hair by hanging under the tub faucet.
She only wants to eat Junk Food and watch tv all day. Never wants to do anything or go anywhere. On most days she is very Lucid. But when asked certain questions I can see her facial expressions change to confusion.

I'm newly confused!

BookBuffBex

I was borderline suicidal after spending 5 nights with my mother while my dad was in the hospital. I learned from that experience that I could never live with her or be her full-time caregiver. I moved her and my dad into AL last November.

It's hard, but I can't take care of anyone else if I'm not taking care of myself. I refuse to feel guilty for making my mental health a priority. I run the gamut of emotions resentful, angry, frustrated, sad and even wishing my mom would just die quietly in her sleep. It is awful to have those thoughts, but I also know it is normal and that what I really resent is the disease that is wearing my mom's skin.

You are not alone in having these feelings. Everyone's circumstances are different, but I encourage you to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Whatever self care looks like for you, make sure you are doing it and getting the support you need to continue being a caregiver. I hope you will continue to post and seek help when you need it.

JeriLynn66

Some days the resentment, stress, sorrow is just overwhelming.. we’re all here to listen and provide support for the journey.

You can’t pour from an empty cup. And, if you don’t take care of yourself: then what?

I encourage you to consider your own needs as important as your Mom’s.

Keep coming back here and keep us posted on your Mom.. we care.

Widgetlj

Thank you all so very much for the insightlful advice, drawing from your own experience.

I do try and take care of myself, I am a very social person so my friends are a priority in my life ( I am divorced). I feel so horribly guilty when I leave her but I also want to enjoy my life. She is incredibly intelligent (valedictorian in both high school and college) and has been able to hide her disease from other's although that is increasingly getting harder to do.

I will looking definitely look into respite care! Thank you all for the support and advice, it is deeply appreciated!!

ErikaK

You are definitely not alone. My dad has lived with us since 2020 and even though both my husband and I work remotely here at home, we are busy and it gets overwhelming. Coming in while I am in meetings is definitely his superpower. We have a bit of respite care but lost one resource when the caregiver went back to college to get an advanced degree (good for him, bad for us! He came twice a week in the day and could occupy Dad by going for walks or just watching baseball with him so we could get out). Now we get 3 hours every other week for a "date night" which is amazing. Hoping for an additional resource soon before I go nuts.

We are definitely at the stage where we are looking for AL or MC before it's too late, but that search in and of itself is also hard.

Anonymousjpl123

I am right there with you. I did put my mother in memory care, after 9 months of assisted living, and it is the one thing I can truly say I don’t regret.

I question it all the time - the expense of it, why I can’t let her live with me, and lord knows others feel free to ask me that question. But in the end I know that for me, as an only on site caregiver with no family able to help, it would break me.

I know we live in a culture that values at home caregiving, and for women, sometimes expects it. And it can be an amazing and smart choice. But it’s not the only loving and responisible one. Some weeks I see my mom nearly every day, but I still have my own home and that is what allows me to keep going.

I have no tidbits on how to get space from in home caregiving, but I’m happy to give you permission to explore other options without guilt. I hope this helps.