Moving Mom

kmw11

Hello I am new here and also trying to navigate the crazy road of caregiving. I started to notice signs of my mother loosing her memory a few years ago. Not knowing how to approach the conversation and express my concerns to her I just waited for when the moment was “right”. Three months ago my mother called me and told me how something wasn’t right with her memory. I took this moment to jump into action. Since then I have gotten a POA, joint bank account and got my brother and I on her HIPAA.

Now my brother and I have just bought a 2 bedroom house a downsize from her 6 bedroom two hours from me. She agreed to it all and was excited for her new place. It’s 15 minutes away from me so I am able to check in more frequently and make meals/ help around the house. We are now a day away from moving her in when she called last night to ask me why I thought she needed to move. If I thought she was unable to take care of her self and why did I want to rip her away from all her friends and her house. Telling me I just want to control her and she is more than capable of taking care of herself and that she will not be moving. I listened and I just said okay to all this because I didn’t want to start an argument or be on the phone for hours talking in circles.

I have spent the last week after work
trying to get this place ready for her. The last three months answering the several phone calls daily from her, scheduling doctors appointments, managing her bills, arranging buying an house and skipping work while trying to keep afloat in my own life while also walking on egg shells and trying not to take offense to the negative things she tells me I am. I am overwhelmed, frustrated and ready to throw in the towel.

I’m not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s taken me too long not to find others who understand the frustration and I just need to know I’m not alone. If you have any advice on how to navigate any of this I am all ears!

Sorry for the long rant. I wish you all the best!

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FlowerpowerVt

You are not alone!! There are so many people on this board who can offer helpful advice! I am living with my 88 year old mother with dementia in a two bedroom Apt and it is almost unbearable (memory loss, repeats things, anger issues, emotional ups and downs) but you seem way ahead of the game. Moving her closer to you to a smaller place makes perfect sense and I applaud you for doing it so quickly. She is probably just nervous, understandably so, but I think you’re doing the right thing. She may be hard of you - my mother certainly is - but it is a better situation for her in the long run. Good luck. And check back in here frequently.

kmw11

@Victoria2020 Thank you so much for the articles! The anosognosia sounds right on the money. Unfortunately I live in an off grid 300 sq ft cabin with my husband so I don’t have to room for her to stay until we build our home. The plan was to sell her home and use the money for in home care then MC when the time is right. She is in NH and so is the POA. We got the POA from an elder law attorney but told us not to worry about a will since all of her assets are already in my brother and my name. I’m not sure how the POA transfers to Maine where we are moving her. I will definitely look into finding an elder law attorney here and asking about a durable poa, will and speak to an accountant. There’s so many things to think of it’s a bit overwhelming! thank you so much for your advice and words!

Marta

Wow! You have accomplished a lot so far.

Do you have an idea what stage of dementia your Mom is in - e.g. the Tam Cummings stages?

My concern is that your Mom may already be beyond living alone.

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Emily 123

Hey there,

You've got a lot done! Great job!

There's a fairly steep learning curve in understanding the disease and what other things besides memory are being affected by it. I like this video, and the Teepa Snow videos on Youtube will open a rabbit-hole of dementia learning.

5 losses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0

You just don't really know until you're in it. The most difficult thing is that mom and dad still talk and look like our parents. Between the anosognosia and most people's ability to 'cover up' their memory slips, it can be very hard to gauge exactly where they are in terms of abilities. That can often lead to over-estimating what they can still handle.

I like the Tam Cummings staging tool since it's pretty in-depth. It's specifically for Alzheimer's, because AD is fairly step-like. Your person may not exhibit every behaviour, but they will progress through the stages. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

Your mom is probably able to function as well as she can because she's in a familiar place and her routines provide her with a work around for her memory loss. So expect some confusion and disorientation initially because she's going to have to build some new routines and learn to navigate a new home. It will be challenging for her, since her short term memory is fading, and short term memory is needed to store information for reference. My mom came to live with me for 9 months, and every day in my home was Groundhog Day, where she assumed she was visiting me.

The move may take up a lot of her band-width mentally, and getting her in a routine that's the same every day will help her. You may want to make sure she has a way to orient herself--a notebook, notes on the bathroom mirror, etc. Keep an eye on things she would normally handle on her own, like meds, because she may need more support. Something caregivers notice is that the person with the disease is fresher earlier in the day. Towards late afternoon they can get confused easily, so be aware.