Trust issues: venting

mrahope

I am wondering if anyone else has gone through a stage where they absolutely cannot trust their spouse as they once did. I'm so confused about whether my DH's behavior is deliberate or not.

Here are two examples. The first example involves the car keys. For background, DH has been told by two doctors not to drive and yet he tried to do so about two months ago, when he still had a key. Luckily, he backed out, but never left the parking lot. After that incident, I hid the keys and it took him almost 10 days to notice. Then about two weeks ago I noticed that my extra car key wasn't on my ring. I thought I had dropped it and lost it, since I noticed it missing when I was already out of the house. Then a couple of days later, I notice it on his ring. I'm not sure whether it fell and he picked it up or whether he deliberately took it. After two sleepless nights, I told him I simply couldn't rest for worrying about the key and he willingly surrendered it. I gave it to my DS for safekeeping, and now I keep mine in my pocket and under my pillow when I try to sleep.

Then yesterday, another incident happened. He's been having a lot of dental issues and had to have two teeth extracted. In the process, they had to modify his denture. Despite numerous explanations from me and my DDIL (who's a hygienist herself), he is convinced that they have done this without proper reasons. So, when I decided to take a nap yesterday, he called the dental office and was aggressive and rude and threatened to sue them. The receptionist really got an earful and called DDIL right away. In short, things worked out and he later seemed to realize what he'd done and that he couldn't afford to antagonize this office as they could dismiss him as a patient.

Both these incidents are making even basic trust hard for me. How does anyone know whether this is purposeful? I can take the keys, but the phone is another matter. Thanks for letting me vent.

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M1

second everything Victoria said. It's not deliberate. This is what constitutes losing your spouse before you've actually lost the body. It changes the relationship forever, and you are now the caregiver, no longer an equal partner. Very sad and very hard. It's so tempting to want and to hope that the same person is still there--and every now and then you may get glimpses. But you cannot count on it. I'm sorry you are in the thick of it.

Do you have a landline? If so it is problematic. I had to turn off the ringers so that my partner would not answer robocalls. And one day she managed to dial her old childhood neighbor in Texas, told her that I had left her, and that she was moving back to her home town. This all while I was sitting in the kitchen.

jfkoc

No. You can not "trust" your husband. That hip has sailed

1. assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
2. one in which confidence is placed

That said please do not think your husband is being deceitful. He is sick with an illness that distorts reality.

It is hard to accept and to live with this but your preparedness as you go forward will be of benefit to both of you.

-Judith

mrahope

Thanks so much for these insightful comments. He was a person who could move and steer conversations to his liking. He could "work a room" with the best of them. He "thinks" he can get people to do whatever he wants but has no sense of the inappropriateness of his behavior. He's sort of lost the filter that tells him he's gone too far. I have almost forgotten that he used to actually be pretty considerate most of the time. I keep hoping I'll remember at some point.

And thanks for the info about the phone, M1. Luckily we no longer have a landline. Sigh.

SDianeL

Definitely not deliberate. You didn't mention what age & stage your DH is in. Dementia causes lack of reasoning or logic, anger, agitation, loss of empathy & sympathy and many more things. Each day is different. My DH was diagnosed 2 years ago and is now in Stage 5 going into Late Stage 5. I told him the doctor said that since he was diagnosed with memory issues that if he was in an accident even if it wasn't his fault, we could be sued & lose everything. That worked. He gave me his keys and never drove again. Glad I did it 14 months ago. He still pouts about it but hasn't tried to drive. If you haven't already, go to an attorney and get a DPOA. You will need it sooner than you know. I have used it 3x in the last 14 months as my DH can no longer read & understand documents nor sign his name. Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" it helped me understand and gives tips on how to get them to cooperate. You can't reason with him. His "reasoner" is broken. Here's a handout that someone else posted that helped me also: https://tala.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf

Denise1847

It is heartbreaking to realize that our spouses, as we knew them, have left us already. Instead of a partner, we essential have an adult toddler who we must always be on guard to keep them same and do damage control. They cannot help themselves.